more beast on beast action

tiger vs crocodile

Fun in the Bay Area

On the 24th I was finally able to check out Mission Cliffs, which believe it or not got me pretty psyched.  Before climbing I met up with Lucho and we got chai and a bagel, and then I met up with Karl and Audrey for a sesh at MC.  I was a little skeptical about MC, but I think I went there on a good day.  There were no crowds at all.  I know it sounds silly, but I'm actually pretty psyched on gym climbing right now.  Partly because I suck at it, and would like to get better, partly because it's social, and partly because you can get a killer work out in not much time.  At any rate, it was pretty fun.  

After that Karl, Audrey and I drove around San Francisco looking for a place that was open on Christmas Eve.  We settled on the Jasmine Tea House, which was AWESOME!  Going out for Chinese food sometimes seems like a crapshoot, but this was a winner.  We ordered basil tofu, some special with portabello mushrooms and eggplant, and red bean fried sesame balls (whatever they are called - they are freakin' good).  After dinner we blabbed for a while about stuff, and then I drove to SFO to pick Sunsh up from the airport, and then to her parents' house in Redwood City.  

Redwood City was a lot of fun.  Sunshine's mom is super delightful - whenever she sees me she gives me a big hug and a kiss on the cheek and says "I'm SO HAPPY TO SEE YOU!!!"  It's awesome.  And she's pretty much the most laid back, supportive and happy mom I've ever met.  She also did the MS bike ride with Sunshine back in September (they did the 50 mile ride).  

Anyway, since we are Jew-"ish" heathens, we went ahead and ate the pies that I made for breakfast the next day (Christmas morning).  I made a chocolate cranberry tart and a pecan-pumpkin pie (sort of a hybrid).  The latter made an excellent breakfast.   

So after pie for breakfast, Sunsh and I went El Mercadito, which got me pretty psyched on cooking Mexican food...but it's Christmas, and heathen or now, it didn't seem appropriate.  So we bought some groceries and went back to cook dinner: stuffed sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes with caramelized onion gravy, Mexican Spanish rice (one of Rosa's friends is Mexican and brought rice over), polenta and roasted vegetables, roasted brussels sprouts (not my idea...), homemade cranberry sauce...and probably other stuff that I can't remember...oh yeah, and tofu.  I was psyched that another friend from Santa Cruz, Zoe, came over.  Post-dinner entertainment was a stroll around the neighborhood to look at the lights, and nearly get trapped forever in a local school.  People in Sunsh's neighborhood got pretty psyched on the inflatable holiday art this year.  I think I may have even seen an inflatable nativity scene?  Oh yeah and there was this creepy ferris wheel with Christmas themed snoopies, bears, santas, elves etc. on it.  Anyway.  After that we tried to watch Sukiyaki Western Django, but my attention span is way too short to watch a western in Ingrish.  I couldn't understand anything they were saying, so I got bored and went to bed.

Today we went back to Berkeley (after more pie for breakfast, of course) and traipsed around the Berkeley hills looking for mushrooms, but didn't really find anything except rosy russulas, which taste like shit.  Oh yeah and we stumbled across someone's creepy campsite.  It was a beautiful day though, so it was nice to hang with Zoe and Sunshine and take advantage of the sunny day.  Then we got dumplings and potstickers at some other tea house.  A lot of places are still closed for the holiday.  We tried to get juice and cupcakes first - dumplings were plan C.

Tomorrow I'll probably go to Gold Wall with Stanley, unless he decides that it'll be no good.  Maybe Bishop next week?  Honestly I could climb in the bay area gyms for the next few weeks and be pretty psyched.  HA!  Though I just found that a friend from Boulder might show up for a week or so, and he wants to go to Jailhouse.  So who knows.  I'm pretty easy going about climbing these days.

It's been kind of cool not spending every weekend away this fall/winter.  I'm still restless as hell, but it's nice to find new outlets and hang out with different people.  I got so tired of everyone last season.  Plus I get tired of talking about climbing all the time.  I think my favorite climbing partners rarely talk about climbing.  It's good to hang out with people who have a little bit of complexity.

Stuff

The end of the year always brings a lot of reflection for me.  Probably because the days are short and the weather is not so nice...seems to give me a lot of time to think.

This year has been really really hard.  So many bad things have happened.  I hate to focus on the negative, because many wonderful things have happened as well, but I think it's important to honor the shitty things too.  It seems like people like to ignore or deny the unpleasant things.  But we all know that the challenges tend to make us grow a lot more than the easy stuff.

Getting diagnosed with multiple sclerosis is a pretty big deal.  To this day, I still can't believe that when I write the previous sentence, it is the truth.  It still sounds like it's a lie - something that isn't really happening.  But it has and it is, and it will.  Things have calmed down since the spring when things were really bad, but my hand still acts up, the injections hurt, and I still go to the hospital once a month for a steroid infusion.  It still is.

My relationship with Alex was extremely painful this year.  There's not really any good left in us anymore, not even a friendship.  Of course it's nothing that anyone reading this hasn't gone through before.  We've all been there, which makes the fact that it's so fucking painful seem cheap and lame.  I'm just reflecting on the reasons that I hung in there for so long.  One time a friend of mine said that we all had to date one person who is mean to us.  Hopefully I've ticked that one off the list.

I've met and become close with so many wonderful people this year.  I finally feel like I have a community of supportive friends that I care about.  I think it's been really good for me to spend time with people who are genuinely nice.  Nice without wanting anything, and nice without worrying that you're going to try to take something away from them.  

Work has been mostly sidelined this year, especially with the medical crap that I went through.  However I did pass my qualifying exam, and studying for it gave me more inspiration and made me psyched on what I'm doing again.  I hope that I can sustain the passion long enough to get a lot done in the next quarter.  

So in the next year, I hope to do some healing, spend time with nice, well-adjusted people, repair the relationship with my parents, and get a lot of work done.  Hopefully I'll get some rock climbing done too.

Thanks so much to everyone who has listened to me, been there for me, and sent positive thoughts my way.  

Movies that scared the S*** out of me

So I came across the above image on my googlereader page today from the website ugly overload.  When I first looked at it, nothing really registered.  Upon closer reflection however,  I realized that it scares the crap out of me, partly because it reminds me of this:

This is the poster from the movie Ghoulies.  Here are two more pics of the little monster (I think the second one is from Ghoulies II):

Images from here and here.

Point being, the snub-nosed monkey reminded me of movies that scared the crap out of me as a kid.  I mean, imagine the terror when you are 8 and you are thinking about sitting on a toilet and a monster coming up to eat your bum.  

So Ghoulies in turn reminded me of other movies that scared me as a kid.  So here it is:

List of Top Movies That Scared The Crap Out of Mandi:

1.  Candyman

2. Gremlins

3. Ghoulies (not sure I ever watched it, but the concept is frightening enough, and I still remember talking about it with my sister)

4. Ghostbusters II - why 2 and not 1?  No clue.  I think it was the pink goo that tried to grab Sigourney Weaver's character and her baby out of the bathtub (maybe I get freaked out about things coming out of plumbing), or maybe it was the evil painting.  Whatever, my Dad had to take me out of the theater I was so gripped.

5.  Poltergeist

So what movies scared you?

Update, I polled my housemate and she said she's still scared dogs because of Cujo.

Christmas? New Year's?

I have no idea what I'm going to do for Christmas or New Year's this year.  I spent most of the past month thinking about my qualifying exam, which was nice.  Since most people plan for these sorts of holidays, I find myself unsure of what to do.  Should I go somewhere?  Stay here?  I have a lot to do here, but it would be nice to get out to the desert.

Ideas?

Short list of things I'm interested right now

Stem cell therapy - how does it work?  What about for MS research?  How do you administer stem cells to damaged nerves?  What kind of cell signalling apparatus is at work?  

Ethics of genetic testing.  Patenting genes.  The public interpretation of science literature making claims about single gene regions causing X percent increase in disease or condition Y.  Government + personal genomics companies...

Mushrooms.  I'd like to be able to find and ID and consume more species/subspecies.

Biodiversity.  I'm always fascinated by photos of newly described species, or photos of really really small things.  Also see here and here.  Bizzare life history traits are interesting too.

Genomics and new technologies for obtaining whole-genome sequences.  How does it work, but more importantly, what do you do with all of this data?  When the human genome was sequenced, it was a big deal.  Now it is b-o-r-i-n-g.  What's next?

Evolution, always.  It's my worldview.

Epigenetics and post-transcriptional processing - Here's a nice New York Times spread.

And finally (well, not really, I just have to end the post at some point), how will science figure into the next administration.  Here's a nice recap of the newly appointed science folks.

Oh yeah - water in California, particularly the bay-delta region and desert regions.

when to give up

You know when I wrote the title of this post it made me think of the old song "the gambler".  I've always had a romantic vision of the person (or being the person) who had absolute control over my feelings and desires.  Just being able to make a decision about life and stick to it.  For example:  "I'll never eat chocolate again", or "I'm going to climb route X or grade Y before January 1st."  And then making it happen.  Or "I'm never going to talk to person X again, and I'm never going to drink so much that I puke in the bathroom at the north entrance to Yosemite..."

Anyway.

But at the same time, I feel like as I've gotten a bit older (mellower?  probably not), I don't want to be that controlled.  I don't want to force myself to do things just because they're "better", or "proud" or whatever.  It just seems like if you have to force yourself, what's the point?  Why does everything have to be a battle all of the time?

Don't get me wrong, I hold athletes and frazzled academics and people who achieve "greatness" in whatever field they apply themselves to in high esteem.  But often you look at these people and their personal lives are in shambles.  What does it take to try so hard for some sort of external goal?  What drives people?  Because no one is really going to remember anyway.  I'm just not sure that I always want to feel like I'm never good enough, or I've never done enough - because it seems to me that this is what it takes to be so controlled.  But as I say this I know I'll never feel like I'm good enough or have done enough.  Maybe being aware of it will help me calm down a little bit and allow myself to be proud of the things that I have accomplished.

So now I've gone off in a completely different direction than I was planning for this post.  I was planning on talking about when you should give up on people.  When do you stop looking at a person through the filter of what you hope for and start seeing - no - feeling the reality.  I feel a little bit like I've given up on my parents.  Every time I communicate with them...it just doesn't work.  I never feel like I'm heard.  Same thing with others.  There are some people who won't hear me, don't want to hear me, or can't hear me, and I have to accept that.  When do you give up?

In other news, Thomasina and her toddler Cedar stayed with me last night.  I was so happy to see them, and finally meet Cedar.  What a wonderful and happy child.  Thomasina looks happy as well.  I was glad to let them have a place to stay, since the roads to Bishop are a bit treacherous at the moment.  Anyway, I haven't had a whole lot of exposure to young children, and whoah!  I don't know why Thomasina isn't more tired all of the time.  Cedar is so talkative and independent!  I think she wandered over more of the house than most people who've been over.  It was pretty cool.

Climbing and mushrooms...and heinous sweaters

This weekend I got to do two of my favorite things: rock climb and mushroom hunt.  Plus I saw a lot of awesome people, and generally had a good time.  Yeah!

Friday I went out to Gold Wall with Drew and we did lots and lots of pitches.  Well, ok, not that many, but my skin hurt like hell when we were done even though I took 3 aleve during the day.  It was also fun to see Karl and Audrey, both of whom are crushing.  James was there too.

Anyway, Saturday night I drove to Berkeley to go to the Retirement Island Christmas Party (holy shit it has its own blog!).  I was thrilled to have an excuse to bake extravagant desserts.  I couldn't really decide, so I made two: a cranberry upside down cake-thingie, and a chocolate peanut butter torte.  The torte was basically peanut butter mousse in an oreo cookie crust, topped with ganache and more oreos.  Yeah.  I think it might be the healthiest thing I've ever eaten.

So I went over to Drew's, dropped my stuff off, and we went over to Sunshine's to rage.  Fortunately, Sunsh provided the sweaters, since neither Drew nor I had appropriate attire for the occasion.  We also managed to drag Casey out of the library so that we could all catch up for a little while.  Casey also had to wear a sweater.

At any rate, I'm not much of a partier, so we left early and went to bed.  I was pretty psyched that Drew has cable, and a freakin' huge flat screen HDTV, so that when I inevitably woke up at 6:30am, I could roll over on the couch and turn on the TV.  The problem with having lots of channels, is that you spend way too much time channel surfing.  And by the way, when did so many religious channels come online?  It's fucking weird, pardon my language.  Anyway, it still wasn't raining Sunday morning, so we drove up to the Berkeley hills and went...mushroom hunting!!!!  Boy was it thrilling - and I'm not even being sarcastic in the least.  Seriously. I love mushroom hunting.  I found a lot of edibles, but none were as exciting as the Prince that I found (Agaricus augustus).  I'd found two Princes in Big Sur a few years ago, and remember that they were beautiful and delicious.  I was pretty psyched.  The Prince ended up being a topping on a pizza for lunch.   Here are some pics from the weekend:

A group of Lactarius spp.

me sniffing the Prince for the characteristic almond fragrance.

A Satan's bolete - on the approach to Gold Wall

Another view of Satan's bolete

An emetic Russula - clearly not an edible, considering the meaning of the word "emetic", and the common name is The Sickener.  However it reminds me of the perfect Super Mario Brothers mushroom:

But I digress...

An action shot.  Somehow crawling through the bushes doesn't matter when mushrooms are involved.

Uncovering a "shrump".

A HORRIBLE picture of me, but a good picture of the desserts that I made.  Christmas sweaters are NOT flattering.  Word.  Plus, how did Drew manage to escape the party without having a picture taken of him in his sweater?  WTF?

Something to blog about

let's start out by saying that I just had a pint on an empty stomach.

Can I just ask all men who read this: on what planet is it OK to spend time with your ex-girlfriend one day, and then call her up for the sole purpose of talking to her about another girl that you like the next day?  Is it Earth?  Really?  Wait... what planet are we on?  Is this the same planet where women are supposed to be smitten when you tell them "I'm not a boob guy, but I'd totally tit-fuck you"?  Yeah.  I think they are in the same galaxy.  Shit I need to hire a shuttle.   All I know, is that I am over-extended on this planet.  I'm trying to fill the role of best friend and ex and it's working for everyone but me.

Did I miss a memo?  

Anyone got a map?

Cognitive dissonance

I'm reading a book right now called Mistakes Were Made, but Not by Me.  It's a book about self-justification as a result of cognitive dissonance, and it has my mind reeling.  

The basic gist of the book is that people will modify their opinions depending on how much something challenges their view of themselves or how much they have invested in something.In other words, people are loathe to change their minds, but especially when they have invested a great deal in their opinion. 

 There are several classic examples of this:  the woman in love with someone who treats her like shit.  The woman says  "he's not that bad" because they've already spent X number of years believing that the person is not that bad.  The longer they have defended the man, the harder it is to see the reality.   Contrast this to someone from outside of a relationship who clearly sees that the guy is a jerk.  

Or how about the whole weapons of mass destruction thing?  Some people still believe that there are weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, because they predicated going to war with Iraq on WMD.  Seriously. click on the link.

It's kind of freaking me out, because I recognize this in myself.  For example, I haven't been projecting climbs and sending harder grades for a while now.  So I say to myself "I just don't care that much, I'm not motivated, I have to study for my qualifying exam so I don't make my advisor think he wasted three years on me, etc."  These things may all be true: I haven't been motivated and I do have to study.  But the very fact that I'm spending time thinking about it and trying to convince myself indicates to me that I'm self-justifying.  So what came first?  Did I lose motivation and need to study? or did I stop stop climbing hard and then need to make up an excuse for it?

I get annoyed with myself for even worrying about it.  I think part of the problem is that no matter what I do, I feel like I'm not doing enough.  I'm doing well in grad school right now, devoting a lot of energy and brain power to my proposal and qualifying exam, but now I feel guilty for not climbing more.  And of course anyone who knows me as a climber knows that I always feel guilty about not doing enough in grad school.  

I spoke with my friend Tim Doyle the other day and asked him why he never wanted to be a professional climber.  He responded "because I like it the way it is."  

"Because I like it the way it is."  

I can't think of a better response to that question.  I know so many people, including myself, who feel they need to elaborate on why being a pro climber is bad for them and why not being a pro climber is good for them.  Maybe this is because I clearly don't have the talent to be a pro climber, so it's not even an option (which I have to justify...because I like other things, because I don't want to feel obligated, whatever) but regardless, why explain it?  Do I not believe in what I'm doing?

Anyway, this is just food for thought.  I think that studying is making me crazy. I'm starting to use all these big words.  Yikes!  I don't want to appear :::gasp::: elitist!

Beast on Beast: Spider vs. Snake

Check these pictures out:

For enlarged images go here.  For the source I suggest you go here.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!

imprinting

It's become somewhat clear to me that I am re-enacting the relationship patterns that I grew up with.  How depressingly cliche is that?  

I just realized today that whenever I disagree with my parents about something, like politics for instance, I've just been "brainwashed by the liberal media".  My sister disagreed with my parents by not eating when she was starving herself.  My Dad dismissed her by saying "she was just born fucked up."  So if you are in disagreement with the F. family, either you're brainwashed (which means that you can still be saved - lucky me!), or you can't be saved cause you were fucked up to begin with, so we all know where to lay the blame.

You can only try to communicate with someone who won't listen or dismisses you for so long until you start self-censoring and just give up.  Adding insult to injury, I just had an experience where I got called out for self-editing.  When I replied that it was because "nothing's going to change", guess what?  I was dismissed and not listened to!!  Imagine that.

I think that if I ever have kids, on the day that they are born I'm going to write them a letter that apologizes for everything that I'm going to do wrong, but that I'm going to do the best that I can.  I know that my faults are only going to be passed down.   

Mushrooms!

I went to Hopland, CA, in Mendocino County, to visit my grandparents and uncles yesterday.  I went up to see my sick Grandfather, my delightful and oh-so-cute Grandmother, and to hunt mushrooms!

My Uncles and I took the Kubota out to all of the patches of madrones to look for coccora (Amanita calyptrata).  Unfortunately, Uncle Jerry and Uncle Alec were spoiled last year by the insane numbers of mushrooms.  This year, it appears that we have to work for our dinner.  

At any rate, as a team we found about 9 coccora, about 5 of which are not rejects.  I dumped the rejects on my back patio...I don't want to put them in the trash because they will probably disintegrate into a smelly, gooey ooze.  

We also found some death caps - Amanita phalloides - which I had never seen before.  I'm 99% sure that the top one is a death cap...I'm not so sure about the mushroom pictured in the second two pics:

Also spotted: milk caps - Lactarius ssp. (I think):

And then I think that this is a fungus attacking a fungus:

So now I'm going to go and meet Dr. Rob and bring over the Coccora that I found.  His wife's parents are in town, who are way into mushrooms.  They're going to look them over, and then Rob and I are going to go to PW and hope that upon our return there is a delicious lunch ready for us.  

Countdown...and down for the count

It appears that I have "popped" a tendon, whatever that means.  Climbing in the gym, felt a pop in my palm, blah blah blah.  I'm not sure how serious it is...just hurts in my palm, and is pretty sore today.  

I remember the first time I had a finger injury.  I was in Bishop at the end of a road trip (well, the finger injury largely brought it to an end) and my boyfriend at the time had just left town and I pretty much knew that it wasn't going to last.  In addition, I had no idea what I was going to do with myself...go to graduate school? Get a job?  Where should I go? What should I do?

At that time, my injury was utterly devastating.  It's kind of funny to think back on it now.  I was so bummed.  Since I was on the road trying to avoid growing up and avoid even thinking about growing up, I obsessed over my injury.  I started taking all these supplements, put ointments on it...you know...snake oil stuff.

At any rate, I went from Bishop to Wyoming for a month where I sat on the sidelines watching my "relationship" (or maybe the idea of my relationship seems more appropriate) crumble.   I was definitely not climbing...didn't know where the hell I was going to go or what I was going to do.  The fact that I couldn't climb made it so much worse.

Fast forward.  Today I'm studying for my qualifying exam.  I'm in my third year of graduate school and just got my first manuscript accepted for publication.  I have a bike, which I enjoy riding if I can't climb, a house, a job, and probably most importantly, a community.  I also have larger medical issues, which puts things in perspective.  Somehow, a tendon injury doesn't seem like that big of a deal.  Yeah.

Everyone wants to be connected

We all want to be connected with someone/something. I think it's the curse of consciousness.  Being conscious means that you understand that you are mortal, understand that you are a separate entity from everything else.  I believe this makes us lonely.  Not to mention that we are compelled societally and biologically to search out a mate, and the fact that humans have extended childcare means that we must feel trust and care from our parents/family/clan.

But in the end we are all alone.  We have people we love, people who love us, but they can never know exactly how I feel, and I can never know what it's like to be them.  All we have is language which is a poor proxy for emotion and, quite frankly, reality.  So we keep on trying.  Searching for the relationships and moments that make us feel loved, understood, listened to.  

I've been keeping a look out lately to see what sorts of methods people use to reach out or feel connected with other people.  Some people use guilt, some use sex, some use subcultures, some use substances like pot or alcohol (well, maybe that one is for dulling the ache of loneliness, boredom, ennui, alienation, etc).

Thoughts?

More good people

Party at my house tonight.  My housemate's friends are here to celebrate a successful harvest and good times are being had by all.  Fondue, plenty of alcohol (blood orange mimosas followed by New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc).  Laughter, stories, people.

I just have to say: I love being a California yuppie.  We know how to enjoy nice things and enjoy a little bit of sensory pleasure.  I think I'm starting to enjoy this spending-weekends-at-home thing.  It ain't so bad.

Good people

I ran into a couple of old friends whom I haven't seen for a while.  After sitting in my cubicle all morning writing a proposal for my qualifying exam, I went to Pipeworks to blow off a little steam.  I wasn't expecting to see anyone (it is Friday after all - most people climb on the weekends and rest on Fridays), but I was delighted to see my friend Jake who is a blast to hang out with.  He just got married a few months ago and I never got a chance to congratulate him.

Jake is one of those people who is always happy and psyched (at least as far as I know him).  If you squint your eyes and try to imagine a really good person, you might come up with Jake.  He makes these cooky noises when he climbs, tries hard, and always has different facial hair.  What is up with the crazy facial hair?  He's also a loyal friend and a devoted husband.  Anyway, it was fun to see him.

Then I got a call from a labmate who is getting a joint UC Davis ecology PhD/Stanford JD.  He spent a year in Davis, and is now starting his third year in Palo Alto. Then he'll come back to Davis and try to finish the PhD in about 18 months (give or take - these things are hard to predict, though I tend to believe him more than I believe others).  This guy is pretty incredible.  I think he's about 27 or 28, is from Kansas, has a gorgeous wife who stays at home with their 2 kids, is obviously incredibly intelligent, and is...GASP...not socially awkward!  Most brilliant people I know are not the most...um...at ease with other people.  I think that maybe this guy has it all.

In other news, still chipping away at my tui chub proposal and starting to train and climb a bunch of steep stuff again.  

U. S. A.

The first map shows blue and red counties, with percentages of democrat and republican made scaled between blue and red depending on percentage who voted red or blue.  The second map has been contorted to represent the number of people living in each area.  

I like these maps mostly because I am a dork, but also because you can get a better feel for how many democrats there are vs. republicans than by just looking at a map of the states  in red and blue.

One thing to keep in mind is that there is a bias in the human sensory system towards red, so if the map had been done in shades of grey between black and white, might seem a little different...but I don't know how to do that.  John?  Any ideas?

I got these images from here.

In other news, we had a celebrity siting at the crag yesterday.  Having a professional climber come to the crag and piss all over your projects is a humbling and inspiring experience.  There's a reason why I have my day job and he has his day job.  Good to know that sometimes the world operates logically.

Proposition 8

I am completely flabbergasted that Proposition 8 won in CA.  It seems like such a no-brainer to me!  Who are these people that are for Prop 8? Where do they live?  

It amazes me that people feel so threatened by gay marriage.  Part of the argument is that schools will have to teach children about gay marriage (this is not confirmed).  Even still:  who cares?  Why shouldn't kids know that homosexuals exist?  I mean we fool kids into thinking that Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny exist when they are fairy tales, and that's okay.  But we shield kids from knowing something (that quite frankly, I think is trivial - about the people who they share this world with?  I just don't get it.  I really don't, and I never will.  I'm sorry but you cannot deny reality.  

Oh and they are saying it's about the definition of marriage, and the sanctity of the institution.  Um...prove to me that marriage is sacred in this day and age.  Maybe straight people should reconsider their view of marriage in the light of the fact that more than 50% of marriages end in divorce.  The idea of marriage being sacred is simply laughable.  If you care about the sanctity of marriage, focus on your own marriage and not the marriages of others.  Stop needing to define your marriage relative to the relationships of others.  Ridiculous.

To think of all of the money that was spent on the advertising for both sides, and what good things that money could have done instead.  I think it is tragic that not only did Proposition 8 win, but that it is something we wasted our time thinking about when so many other serious issues are far more worthy of our advertising dollars, emotions and brain power (I use the term "brain power" for the No on Prop 8 side.  I question the intellect of the Yes on 8 people).

The final issues with Prop 8 is that churches are afraid that they will lose their tax exempt status if they refuse to honor gay marriage.  Well: tough shit.  Ever heard of separation of church and state?  What ever happened to that?  

UGH!  I'm so disgusted.

Craving a little Desert.

I just had a glass of wine (keep in mind I am a lightweight) and have been looking through friends' facebook photos of desert climbing.  Especially photos of Indian Creek.  

There's nothing like experiencing a visceral craving for a particular place.  Somehow I always forget how wrecked I am after climbing at the Creek and want more.  It's almost like a bad addiction.  Maybe I like the punishment.  

In another vein, I had a friend (who I thought was a good friend) basically disown me after he found out that I didn't want to date him.  At first I was ok with not having communication, because I can understand that people need to do what they need to do for themselves.  But now I'm not so sure. On one hand, I am very flattered.  On the other hand, I've spent a lot of time wondering if I've done anything to lead him on...as far as I can tell, I've been clear.  Most of the people who know me are very aware of how I feel about things.  I don't think I'm coy or deceptive in any way.  Another side of this is the fact that life has been a bit turbulent this year, and to have someone who I care about disappear off the face of the planet is a bummer.  In addition, I feel a little bit like I'm being "punished" for not wanting to date this person.  It's one thing to cut off someone you've dated for a while, it's another entirely to cut off someone who you've been friends with for a long time and have never dated.  Makes me question the whole nature of the friendship.  Was he only friends with me because he wanted to sleep with me? 

And you know what else?  I'm pretty sure that fake-powdered cheese flavor is one of the best flavors on the planet.  Cheetos, Pirate's Booty, Annie's Mac and Cheese.  Delicious.

thoughts?

Green porno

Check this out.  It's a series of short films done by Isabella Rossellini about insects and sex.  Make sure you watch all of them!

This is some seriously quirky shit. Some of you might find it disturbing.

Something to put a smile on your face

I found this on failblog.org

pretty classic sign.

For even more fun, check out this blog on Engrish.  Ever been to Asia?  Then you've probably read some Engrish:

I love quirky shit.  I never knew I needed to cool my mood and colorful my life, but now I'm not sure I can live without!

untitled, more verbal refuse.

This week has been rather boring.  This is partly because I started studying for my qualifying exam, which is December 8.  So days are spent learning about how much I don't know, but will be required to know.  Daunting.

Other than that, it is raining.  It's a full on winter storm, where it rains all day.  The power even went out this morning, causing me to go to Crepeville and make sure that my laptop was just low on battery power and not dead.  Fortunately, the battery was just dead.  I think I'll back everything up today - music, photos, papers, whatever.  

I went to Jailhouse yesterday; it was rather demoralizing.  I wasn't feeling amazing - maybe because the conditions were horrendous, maybe because I had steroid infusion Wednesday, but most likely because I'm out of shape.  At any rate, I'm very sore today, especially my butt for some reason.  

I've been trying to pinpoint what it is about Jailhouse that has turned me off this year.  I think it could be all of the analysis of performance.  People comparing themselves to each other, talking about who's done what, who does what on this move.  What diets people are on, training schedules, why they didn't send, blah blah blah.  I used to think it was fun talking about that stuff - thinking about what I could do to climb harder, getting psyched.  I can also understand why it's fun for others.  But now I don't want to hear it.  Maybe it's because I have "real" physical things to worry about.  It's one thing to wish you were stronger, it's another to hope that you don't become disabled.  It's annoying to hear people bitch about why they aren't sending their projects, or what crappy rock climbers they are (especially when they're not crappy rock climbers - that one irritates me the most!).  

Maybe this is why I don't enjoy climbing videos or the climbing media these days either.

I just want to go and rock climb.  I don't want to hang in a harness, I don't want to overanalyze my performance and always come up short (which I would - I'll never be as good as I think I should or could be).  Hanging out with good people, doing a lot of moves in a row.  Going to cool places.  That's what I'm psyched on right now.

Naturally I berate myself: why don't you just not let it bother you?  Why don't you just ignore it?  well for some reason I can't, so for now, I'm changing directions for a little while so I can take a break from the pressure I place on myself.

Inevitably, I'll get psyched on climbing hard again and projecting stuff.  I think it's challenging emotionally and physically, and I'm sure I've grown a lot as a climber and as a person through projecting climbs.  As pointless as projecting (or even rock climbing in general) is, it teaches determination and patience, among other things.  Hopefully those skills translate into other life areas.  The trick, in my view, is to not let it dominate my self-image or world-view (or serve as a distraction from connecting), while using it as a tool to enrich my life.  Honestly if I didn't have climbing weekends and trips to look forward to, I'd be a very sad cookie.

Speaking of climbing trips to look forward to, there is talk of a trip to the creek in the spring with a solid partner, which would be rad.  It's quite a ways off though, so I don't want to get my hopes up too much.  It's always awesome being able to spend time somewhere with a steady partner who has similar goals.  Both parties tend to accomplish more, and the energy is positive and motivated.

CHELSEA LATELY AMY SEDARIS INTERVIEW

This is amazing. I love Amy Sedaris and David Sedaris. Funny!

Mr. Green Genes!

The Science Blogs weekly recap is always fodder for my blog.  You should check it out.  Anyway, here is a transgenic kitty.  His name is Mr. Green Genes.  Those silly scientists!  I mean, they spend a lot of money of fruit flies in France!  FRUIT FLIES! I kid you not!

This comes after I introduced a speaker for the Animal Science seminar yesterday (I was volunteered for this committee...). His talk was entitled: "Cloned livestock for food: hazards and benefits"  Kind of interesting.  Did you know that Mad Cow disease is not really a disease? It's more of an interaction between cow genes and human genes (prion).  You have to have a particular amino acid at a particular site in a particular protein to be susceptible to it.  In fact, the way that it works is sort of a domino effect...reminds me of Ice 9 from Vonnegut's Cat's Cradle.  Crazy.

What are you pretending not to know?

I copied this from an article in the Huffington Post about the body language between Cindy and John McCain.  The context is: How could John McCain not have known that his wife had a drug addiction?

The article strikes me because I think I (and others I've observed) have a tendency to ignore the obvious.  How many of us have dated someone, only to break up and think later "how could I have been so blind/stupid/idiotic/such a sucker?"  And the mechanics of the mind that make habituation and oblivion (compartmentalizing?) possible for coping are not restricted to relationships.  I remember thinking that when I couldn't walk, my whole body was tingling and I couldn't use my right hand...that I'd just climbed too much, even though I'd had an MRI and the doctor ordered another one because he was concerned.  In hindsight sometimes I say "I always knew something was wrong."  Or, a part of me did.

Super-cliche, but put well below:

"There's a deeper answer, though, to the question of how partners gradually become oblivious to the painfully obvious. It speaks to something every conscious couple needs to know. A few years ago a car passed us with a bumper sticker that had an intriguing question written on it, "What are you pretending not to know?" It's a question that all of us should ask of ourselves on a regular basis. It takes a heroic act of unconsciousness not to notice so profound a thing as drug addiction in one's partner. In our work with couples in devitalized marriages, however, we've found that we humans are highly skilled at sealing out awareness of deep unhappiness from within ourselves. Because we get so skilled at blocking the flow of awareness inside ourselves, we also get good at averting our eyes from the obvious signs of distress in our partners. Eventually, if we continue to look away from our own inner distress and the outer signs of distress in our partners, we gradually dam the flow of intimate contact with our partners as well as ourselves. Without the lifeblood hum of genuine intimacy, the relationship becomes a devitalized shell characterized by perfunctory hugs and chilly smiles in public, and much worse behind closed doors. Any experienced relationship therapist is familiar with the devitalized marriage; we've probably worked with more than 500 such relationships over the past 30 years. In order to be successful in re-vitalizing these relationships, it's essential to help them straighten out a terrible misunderstanding about what love is.

The misunderstanding is caused by a false belief about love. It's the twisted notion that loving someone means that you'll lie for him or her. "

Not in Yosemite.

I'm not in Yosemite anymore, and keep in mind that it is Saturday.  I feel that this is a testament to how freakin' restless I am.  Why couldn't I hang out for another day and wait 'til the crowd from the Bay came in?  The thought "wasting" another day drove me back to Davis.  Yeah, I could have hiked, done some studying, bouldered by myself, whatever.  I mean, Christ, I was in Yosemite during the prime season, surrounded by beautiful fall colors.  

But I left.  So now I am home doing laundry.  I am a loser.

Part of the reason is that partner after partner bailed on the weekend.  Drew bailed, Rob Miller bailed, Dan has partners.  Even people like me, who have backup plan after backup plan get hosed with partners.  Maybe I'll start bouldering more.  

Who out there is always psyched?  Who is always motivated?  Who has no other priorities except for rock climbing with me?  I wish I could clone myself so that I would always have a partner.  On the other hand, I'm quite sure I would hate myself after one day of climbing with myself, so I guess I should be grateful for the partners that I have.  Plus, who would lead the hard pitches?

I can make list after list of things I should/could get done, but I always end up with my ass parked in front of my computer trying to connect with people via gchat, FB, or whatever.  Loneliness and ennui suck.  Add a healthy dose of restlessness to that and you have...me.

David Sedaris on undecided voters

“I look at these people and can't quite believe that they exist. Are they professional actors? I wonder. Or are they simply laymen who want a lot of attention? To put them in perspective, I think of being on an airplane. The flight attendant comes down the aisle with her food cart and, eventually, parks it beside my seat. "Can I interest you in the chicken?" she asks. "Or would you prefer the platter of shit with bits of broken glass in it? To be undecided in this election is to pause for a moment and then ask how the chicken is cooked."

Still in Yosemite

This week has been a little weird.  My parents decided to cancel the credit card (that they pay for) to which I charge my medical expenses, which as you can imagine are significant.  So I've been getting phone calls from the hospital and doctor's offices saying "you're card was declined."  Lame.

That isn't the lamest part.  The lamest part is that they didn't tell me that they were canceling the card.  Doesn't that seem like the sort of thing that I deserve to be told?

In other news, my thyroid biopsy indicated no malignancy, so I can move on from that stressor, and on to the stress of studying for my qualifying exam on December 8.  Yay?  In some twisted way I was hoping I would have to have surgery so I could put off the exam a little bit longer, but this is good. It will be good to get it over with.

I'm still in Yosemite.  I rested Monday and Tuesday (for lack of partners) and did Astroman with Dan yesterday.  He led everything and hauled, because he is a rock star and I am not.  I fell getting into the slot, but had learned from a previous attempt to tell the leader to put gear in the back so that I wouldn't be dangling in space.  I was able to get into the slot and just got worked.  Other than that, I thought I was going to send everything 'til I fucked up on the last pitch and fell.  Lame.  On the whole I felt better though, probably because I'm a better climber now and also because we had plenty of water (but still not enough).  There was a party of Swedes behind us the whole way.  They had just sent Golden Gate and were pretty fun to hang out with at the belays.  One of the guys had gotten worked in the Monster Offwidth, causing lots of bloodshed.  Doing the Harding Slot 2x (he lowered to redpoint) tore off all his scabs and he was bleeding profusely.  Savage.  Also they had just spent 2 days on Quantum Mechanics and had little water and no chalk.  Supremely savage.

I'm not sure what is going on this weekend, but I'd like to go cragging.  Unfortunately, most of what I'd like to do gets lots of sun exposure and the temps have increased by quite a bit.  

In other news, I've been fortunate enough that Justin is a nice person and has let me stay at his house.  But I have been unfortunate in that Turtle, his dog, has eaten quite a lot of my food by jumping up on the countertops (I should put the food crate up higher, I know, I know).  

Here is a list of the things of mine that Turtle has eaten:

1 Odwalla bar (Super Protein flavor)

1 package of rice cakes

half a package of Newman O's

1 block baked Tofu

1 container of Parmesan Cheese

The Newman O's were the most tragic because I had been thinking about them all through the last half of Astroman.  I was bummed.

Sorry Justin.

atheist bus: all aboard!!

check this out.

Yosemite trip report: still in Yosemite

If you aren't in Yosemite right now I hope you have a really good reason.  The weather is amazing, conditions are perfect and the crowds are thinning.

On Saturday Drew and I did the Rostrum, despite the fact that the weather looked a little bit suspect.  Fortunately by the time we got down it was perfect and we started up the climb around 10:30, the first party on the route.  I'd done the Rostrum a few years ago with Dr. Freesolo and had done fairly well. I've been trad climbing a lot more lately, so I was hoping to do better than last time.

I had a feeling that I'd need more water than one liter, clipped to my harness clanging around, but I decided to try to climb the route sans pack.  It worked ok, but on the whole I think it was a mistake.  I'm sorry, but carrying a tag line and hauling a pack so you can be more comfortable is the way to go for me these days.  When I can do the Rostrum in 4 hours, I'll consider carrying my own water while leading and following again.  

It took about 6 hours, I led pitches 1, 3 and 5, whipped on 5, and then got a little worked on the offwidth.  I actually climbed up half of it, which I was pretty psyched about since before I had only aided the thing.  Right knee stuffed in the crack and some hand stacking worked pretty well.  I was also psyched to follow the second to last pitch clean, since I had remembered it being really hard for me.

I'm still sore today (Monday) even though I only did a little bouldering yesterday.  I think it's because I got so freakin' dehydrated.  It seems like I feel a lot better the net day when I've had plenty of food and water during a long climb.  I wish I were tougher, but I am not.  It's time to accept it.

So Sunday was really fun!  All kinds of people came into the valley.  Shannon and John, Alan and his lady-friend Amna, Becky, Patti, Lyn, Paul and Cameron, Courtney, and a bunch of people I'd never met before, but were friends of friends.  It was cool to hang out in the caf with the Berkeley crew.  Most of the people I hang with (John, Shannon, Justin) are NOT morning people, but Lyn and Patti were pretty darned perky.  It was rad.

I ended up bouldering at the Lost World boulders.  Well, mostly I sat around and watched people boulder, ate half a bag of the Trader Joe's version of Cheetos (I think the technical name is "Baked Cheese Crunchies") and did 2 boulder problems.  Not sure what the first one was, but it was a pretty cool V2 thingie.  I did another boulder problem called "Once Upon a Time" which was a highball (ok it was pretty tall, but is it considered a highball in Yosemite?) V3 stem corner.  SICK!  I did some boulder problems!  It's cool because aside from the time I bouldered with Justin a week or two ago, I hadn't bouldered at all in a couple of years.  The last time I bouldered in Yosemite there wasn't nearly as much development.  I'm psyched.

I also got to watch Shannon, Justin, Beth and John get worked over by a steep boulder problem that was essentially a steep offwidth crack.  There weren't any sends, but the effort was proud and the psyche was high.  I'd forgotten how much fun bouldering is with big groups of people.  It's cool.

Alright, I'm still here, sitting in the Ahwahnee recovering from the past two days.  I should just hang out and drink a bunch of water today, maybe hike up to the base of the Rostrum to collect the jacket and hat that Drew and I decided we wouldn't need, read, maybe do some work?  It would be pretty cool if I could hang here and study for my qualifying exam which is coming up in December.  

John should have some good photos from the weekend, so I'll link over to his blog when those show up.

M.I.A.'s Best Story Ever

she's so cute!

Yosemite trip report

Whew!  So I haven't been blogging about my own climbing lately, mostly because I've been spending more time musing about climbers and climbing in general.  My climbing hardly seems that important.  But rest assured I have been climbing a ton and enjoying the fall season.

This past weekend I started by climbing at Jailhouse on Friday with Dr. Rob.  I hiked the warm-up (always a good sign), got on Whipping Boy, which I hadn't been on since it was trundled and drilled, went up Soap and then Common Thug.  It was fun to get on a bunch of different routes.  I think I'm more psyched on doing actual rock climbing and laps than I am on projecting stuff right now.  The thought of long-term projecting makes me want to curl up in a ball and die.  

After I left Jailhouse I drove up to Yosemite and was shocked by how cold it was.  Not only that, but as I was driving through the valley, it started snowing!  I looked up through my windshield in astonishment and felt a huge grin spread across my face as the swirling flakes engulfed all of the classic valley landmarks.  I can't even remember the last time I saw snow...it's been a while.

I hung out in the Caf and visited with a friend and sipped some hot chocolate...it was nice.  The I headed over the the Pines to meet up with Drew and Alice to talk about the next day.  Which was going to be cold.  The original plan was to do the Rostrum, but the forecast was for arctic temps and possible snow, so we decided on the Cookie.  

On Saturday we headed to the Cookie and warmed up on Outer Limits, then I belayed Drew on Crack a Go Go, which I'd toproped before and remembered as being hard.  Drew got pretty worked on it, but made it to the top so I could toprope it (what a gentleman).  I was psyched to TR it clean!  I ended up just using the right crack and making moves between finger locks.  It was snowing again by the time I was near the top, so we went back down to the car to make sure Alice was still alive after a hypothermia scare, and then decided to do Catchy and Catchy Corner.  Again, I took the easier lead (Catchy) and made Drew lead Catchy Corner.  I'd tried to lead Catchy Corner before, but ran out of gear and ended up lowering down to get more.  I was curious to toprope it to see how it felt now.  It felt hard.  It made me not feel so bad about getting gripped on it before.  Again, I was psyched Drew put a rope on it so I could TR it clean.  HA!

Sunday I met up with Dan and we had Plan A and Plan B.  As we were 3rd (me) and 4th (Dan) day on, we decided to do Astroman but potentially just do the boy.  We woke up early and it was COLD.  My car thermometer read 29 degrees in the Caf parking lot around 7:15.  But we figured that it would be nice on A-man in the sun, so headed up to the base.  Sure enough, it was gorgeous over there, with no wind and crispy temps in the sun.  We linked 1 and 2, 3 and 4 (the easier boulder problem allowed this with minimal drag), and 5 and 6.  By the time we got to the top of 6, the temps were arctic and the shade had hit the wall, so we decided to bail.  This went fine until Dan rapped the Enduro Corner and forgot to hang on to the other line because he was so excited about single-line rapping.  I looked up at him and said "DAN!  WE NEED THE PURPLE LINE!"  To which he responded "OH SHIT".  I always rap with a gri gri so I always single-line rap, but Dan had a reverso,  so I just assumed that he would double line rap and hang on to the purple (tag) line.  

So Dan is halfway up the Enduro Corner, and the tagline is fairly far left, a bit tangled and over the edge of the corner.  Crap.  By this time it's shady, I'm stuck on the ledge below the boulder problem sitting next to someone's dried-up shit, and I'm FREEZING.  Dan says, "I might have to climb it again..." and I said "yeah but we have no lead line!"  

Dan goes in direct so that I can give him some cams to make it back up to the anchor, which is probably about 35 meters away by that point.  So Dan starts futzing around with the reverso and I yell up "why don't I give you my gri gri?"  So I send up the gri gri.  Fortunately however, after about 20 minutes of struggling, the capricious Gods smile on us and blow the purple rope right enough so that Dan can grab it.  Then Dan starts futzing around a bit more and I yell up "dude! what are you doing?"  He says "I'm going back on the reverso cause I'm afraid of losing the tagline"  I respond "DUDE!  WHY?  Stay on the gri gri, drop the rest of the tagline and I'll fix it to the anchor.  I WANT TO GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!"  He listens and pretty soon Dan and I are at the anchor, and then on the ground.  Yay!

To the caf, where I eat a burger and fries, and then home to Davis.  So that is the Yosemite trip report for this weekend.

Ode to the tapeworm

My friend Vicken just G-chatted me;  he was super excited about his butt.  You see, Vicken has a tapeworm.  Actually, now he has half of a tapeworm, which may or may not be more exciting than having a whole tapeworm.

So I did a little bit of internet research on tapeworms and found The Tapeworm Page.  It has some pretty exciting animations and cartoons of tapeworms, guts and dog anuses.  Check it out.

Vicken thinks that he may have gotten the tapeworm over the summer eating an Armenian dish that is "basically raw meat", but he also grew up in the middle east and has visited African countries such as Egypt.  So who knows.  He doesn't know how long he's had it, and never knew until a violent bout of diarrhea caused the worm to emerge from his...ahem.  So naturally he freaked out, then he pulled about 2-3 feet out ("if that's only half of it, it's taller than me!!" he says) and put it in a container to take to Cowell Student Health.  Hopefully the rest of it comes out soon Vicken.  My thoughts are with you buddy.

Sam Harris on Sarah Palin

Check out this article that Sam Harris wrote for Newsweek.  It's called: When atheists attack: A noted Provocateur rips Sarah Palin - and defends elitism.

Pruning the tree

Someone mentioned to me that they had "pruned a dead branch off of their tree" and was referring to a person that they didn't want to see or talk to anymore.  I thought this was an amazing analogy.  

So I have decided to prune a few branches off of my tree.  I think it has finally occurred to me after this year that I have spent a lot of time climbing with people who suck, just because I want to go rock climbing.  On the flip side, I have climbed with a lot of awesome people.  So I want to put it out there that I love most of the people I climb with.  There have simply been a few notable exceptions.

I think that I am still willing to climb with people who aren't my best friends, but I'm trimming out the folks who are disrespectful to women, are flakes, and people who are unmotivated or negative.  Life is way too short.

Speaking of being disrespectful to women, I've noticed recently that some career climbers climb and relate to women with the same paradigm.  Women are like routes, you should attempt to do as many as possible.  "It would be proud to hook up with so-and-so".  Proud like doing a hard route.  It's kind of fucked, and I'm going to be more aware of it in the future.  

Alright, that's my rant for now.  

Fall is here!

I am so happy that the Fall season is here.  Hanging out in Yosemite on Monday, the air and the sun felt so good on my skin.  It made me catch my breath.  Plus the sound of the breeze drifting through the dying leaves on the trees brings me back to growing up on the East coast.  Not to mention the fact that mushroom season is coming up!  I feel the blood crackling in my veins.  I'm excited to take advantage of the shorter days, the friction and the physical relief of the crispy temperatures.

I hope to hang out in Yosemite until it gets too wet or too cold to climb.  The tough part is finding partners.  I'm taking advantage of the flexibility of my grad school schedule, and it is hard to find people whose schedule matches up with mine.  I don't mind hanging out by myself and scrambling for partners every weekend (I feel so lucky to be climbing at all!), but I do miss having a solid partner with similar goals.  

By the way, check out John's photos on Alpinist.  Here and here.  They are beautiful!  Plus, the second photo captures Justin in a rare moment clipping bolts.  Very uncharacteristic!

New York Times does Chongo

This is an amazing article by the New York Times on Chongo.  For those of us in the Sacramento area, we've been seeing Chongo in our local rock gym, Sacramento Pipeworks for a while now.  However I met Chongo when I first started rock climbing and was taking bouldering trips to Yosemite and staying in Camp 4.  This is where Chongo used to live.

Enjoy!

An open letter to Acme Syringe

Dear Acme Syringe Company:

I am writing to tell you that I have used your syringes for years, and I would like to ask you for a syringe sponsorship.  I believe that I have excellent qualifications, and I will be a good representative of your company.  A far better representative than the folks who abuse your syringes and use them multiple times to inject illegal substances.  Attached is my syringe resume:

Allergies

One round of allergy shots 1x a week for 3 years

One round of 2 allergy shots 2x a week for another 3 years

4 skin tests, with about 60 needle pricks each (back and forearms)

Multiple Sclerosis (this is where it gets exciting)

Innumerable blood draws

almost 25 days of infusion with Solu-Medrol and IVIG

spinal tap (this one requires several little needles for numbing and a few BIG needles for drawing cerebro-spinal fluid

injections if interferon every other day forever and ever

B12 shot

Thyroid 

biopsy with several needles

more blood draw

Diabetes

I don't have diabetes, but I would definitely use your syringes if I were to get it.

Thank you so much for your time to consider my request.  Please feel free to contact me with any questions or comments.

Sincerely,

Mandi

ps:  I can definitely get you lots of photos of me wearing a sports bra in extreme locations using your syringes.

musings on courage and strength

Okay so this post is very random and bounces around a lot, and if anyone has comments, I'd be psyched.  Plus, is anyone even reading my blog anymore?

I think I've admired courage on rock and striving to be a better climber too much.

I've met some people this year who make me feel good when I'm around them.  I've also spent a lot of time with people who nearly always make me feel bad.  I have to wonder where I've gotten confused about what to admire in a person...what makes a person great to be around.

A large part of me dreams of focussing solely on one thing.  It's just so romantic isn't it?  For me it's climbing, but almost anything you can think of has its devotees.  Look around at all of the subcultures that exist, where someone who does something as esoteric as collecting bromeliads or playing ping pong well is exalted by those who want to collect more bromeliads or hit a ping pong ball harder.  And naturally, every subculture has it's celebrities, villains and legends.  

I wonder if being devoted to one single thing is sometimes a way of avoiding life.  If you can surround yourself with people who do that one thing, then you never have to deal with folks with whom you have nothing in common.  

In a lot of ways I feel like I've always straddled disparate worlds, but that's another blog post altogether.

I'm not sure what I want to get at with this post, other than that there are so many things to admire in people that have nothing to do with physical courage or prowess.  It's just hard to put a label on it, these things aren't tangible, and it's so much easier to strive for a harder grade than to strive to be more emotionally potent.  For example, sometimes it is so much harder to love someone and tell them that you love them knowing that it is unrequited than it is to whip on some run out sketchy climb.  Only there are no magazines writing articles about emotional strength and courage, and last time I checked La Sportiva wasn't giving free shoes to people whose strength cannot be measured in grades.  

Climbing is often a reductionist sport.  People want to reduce climbing to grades, numbers of pitches, speed, sport, trad, ethically this, ethically that, no kneebars, with kneebars.  Climbers just love to categorize.  And I have no problem with categories, because it makes it easier to communicate with people.  But I'm tired of getting caught up what category my day (5.6? 5.12?) or my climbing history fits into (what's the hardest grade I've climbed?).

Life has handed me a bunch of crap this year that can't be categorized.  Funny, I can't help wanting to know if I'm a 5.6 MS patient or a 5.13 MS patient.  Am I doing a good job?  What does that even mean?  What are the benchmarks?  Who fucking cares?

People ask me what happens with MS, what causes it, what do the drugs do, blah blah blah.  Well no one fucking knows.  It's way scarier to deal with things that are unpredictable and cannot be categorized.  I only wish that I could answer all of those questions.  Imagine how much anxiety I could avoid if I could answer all of these questions!  Rock climbing isn't scary at all when you compare it to your body silently self-destructing.

I just feel like I've gotten caught up in things that are really of no consequence.  Maybe I'm avoiding thinking about all the crazy shit that's happened this year (likely), or maybe I have my own personality deficiencies to overcome (definitely).  Either way I need to figure some stuff out and make sure I spend time with people who enrich my life, rather than suck it dry.  And for me, this means identifying what it is that really makes someone awesome.  

So to all of those people who think that they are hot shit and ask me if I fell on Stoner's Highway? 

Fuck you clown, and get a life.

hurricane stew

I grew up on a barrier island off the coast of Savannah, Georgia.  Naturally there were plenty of hurricanes and we would evacuate to our friends' house that was about 40 feet above sea level, hoping that this was going to be enough.  Fortunately I never lived in Savannah for a direct hit, but I remember the food drives and things like that occurring after hurricanes in other places.  Apparently they make something called "hurricane stew" to feed people, which basically means that they throw into a giant pot whatever they have, no concern about the edibility of the final product.  I'm not sure how true this is, especially since I've never spoken with anyone who's actually eaten a hurricane stew, but I like the idea.  

Right now my mind is a bit of a hurricane stew.  Okay, my mind is usually like a hurricane stew, but whatever.  It feels like there are a bunch of things thrown into the pot that just don't go together.  There just ain't no harmony, man.

On the one hand, I have climbing.  Like most of my friends, I am obsessed with climbing.  Being better, not being too hard on myself, arranging for partners and thinking about the things I'd like to do.  

Next up, graduate school.  I have scheduled my qualifying exam for December 8, and most people start studying about 6-8 weeks ahead of time.  I have my committee and have begun to organize the topics, but I haven't even begun to write a proposal.  I know what I am going to write about, but haven't hunkered down and put pen to paper.  In addition, I have a manuscript I'm trying to write that is a collaboration with a math genius, and I feel like a complete idiot when I ask him questions about what he did with my data.  I'm also making some final revisions on another manuscript that was submitted and returned with suggestions.  Graduate school has vast potential to make one feel inferior.  As does rock climbing...hmmm.  I seem to choose men who make me feel inferior as well.  Shit.

Health.  As anyone who's followed this blog knows, I have ms.  But much to my delight (sarcasm, sorry), the radiologist reported a "mass" on my thyroid on the last MRI.  I'm lucky enough to get a few MRIs a year to keep tabs on the lesions, and it was a bonus to see something weird with my thyroid.  I had an ultrasound on my thyroid yesterday, and I should get the radiological report today.  Cancer is not likely, but is a possibility.  In addition, my fingers are trembling in a weird way as I type this.  My legs tremble.  Is this MS or am I just tired?  

Relationship.  Dr. Freesolo is in the valley, and has a potential new love interest.  'nuff said.  I'm not sure whether I should be a friend and be supportive of everything, or if I should just practice some serious avoidance strategies.  

Family.  For whatever reason, my relationship with my parents has been strained lately.  I haven't even told them about the exciting thyroid discovery.  It's stressful.

I am reluctant to do the "woe is me" thing, and to wave my hands at the heavens and say "how much can one person take?!"  but seriously, how much can one person take?  The answer it a lot.  People can take a lot.  Far more than what I am dealing with at the moment.  And that is scary.  Taking all of those things separately, they are all cliche, all have been done before.  I always wrestle with the "I'm so lucky and it could be worse" and the "this fucking sucks, man." 

Hurricane stew.  I love this analogy.  On the other hand, hurricane stew may have been a lifeline for those who had lost everything, so maybe it's not entirely appropriate.

New Burning Man Theme: Evolution!

The theme of Burning Man 2009 is Evolution.  This could be enough to get me back to running around in the desert with a bunch of crazies.

MS Bike Ride

Thanks to all of those who pledged for out MS bike ride - you are awesome!  Enjoy the pics.