when to give up

You know when I wrote the title of this post it made me think of the old song "the gambler".  I've always had a romantic vision of the person (or being the person) who had absolute control over my feelings and desires.  Just being able to make a decision about life and stick to it.  For example:  "I'll never eat chocolate again", or "I'm going to climb route X or grade Y before January 1st."  And then making it happen.  Or "I'm never going to talk to person X again, and I'm never going to drink so much that I puke in the bathroom at the north entrance to Yosemite..."

Anyway.

But at the same time, I feel like as I've gotten a bit older (mellower?  probably not), I don't want to be that controlled.  I don't want to force myself to do things just because they're "better", or "proud" or whatever.  It just seems like if you have to force yourself, what's the point?  Why does everything have to be a battle all of the time?

Don't get me wrong, I hold athletes and frazzled academics and people who achieve "greatness" in whatever field they apply themselves to in high esteem.  But often you look at these people and their personal lives are in shambles.  What does it take to try so hard for some sort of external goal?  What drives people?  Because no one is really going to remember anyway.  I'm just not sure that I always want to feel like I'm never good enough, or I've never done enough - because it seems to me that this is what it takes to be so controlled.  But as I say this I know I'll never feel like I'm good enough or have done enough.  Maybe being aware of it will help me calm down a little bit and allow myself to be proud of the things that I have accomplished.

So now I've gone off in a completely different direction than I was planning for this post.  I was planning on talking about when you should give up on people.  When do you stop looking at a person through the filter of what you hope for and start seeing - no - feeling the reality.  I feel a little bit like I've given up on my parents.  Every time I communicate with them...it just doesn't work.  I never feel like I'm heard.  Same thing with others.  There are some people who won't hear me, don't want to hear me, or can't hear me, and I have to accept that.  When do you give up?

In other news, Thomasina and her toddler Cedar stayed with me last night.  I was so happy to see them, and finally meet Cedar.  What a wonderful and happy child.  Thomasina looks happy as well.  I was glad to let them have a place to stay, since the roads to Bishop are a bit treacherous at the moment.  Anyway, I haven't had a whole lot of exposure to young children, and whoah!  I don't know why Thomasina isn't more tired all of the time.  Cedar is so talkative and independent!  I think she wandered over more of the house than most people who've been over.  It was pretty cool.