Cognitive dissonance

I'm reading a book right now called Mistakes Were Made, but Not by Me.  It's a book about self-justification as a result of cognitive dissonance, and it has my mind reeling.  

The basic gist of the book is that people will modify their opinions depending on how much something challenges their view of themselves or how much they have invested in something.In other words, people are loathe to change their minds, but especially when they have invested a great deal in their opinion. 

 There are several classic examples of this:  the woman in love with someone who treats her like shit.  The woman says  "he's not that bad" because they've already spent X number of years believing that the person is not that bad.  The longer they have defended the man, the harder it is to see the reality.   Contrast this to someone from outside of a relationship who clearly sees that the guy is a jerk.  

Or how about the whole weapons of mass destruction thing?  Some people still believe that there are weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, because they predicated going to war with Iraq on WMD.  Seriously. click on the link.

It's kind of freaking me out, because I recognize this in myself.  For example, I haven't been projecting climbs and sending harder grades for a while now.  So I say to myself "I just don't care that much, I'm not motivated, I have to study for my qualifying exam so I don't make my advisor think he wasted three years on me, etc."  These things may all be true: I haven't been motivated and I do have to study.  But the very fact that I'm spending time thinking about it and trying to convince myself indicates to me that I'm self-justifying.  So what came first?  Did I lose motivation and need to study? or did I stop stop climbing hard and then need to make up an excuse for it?

I get annoyed with myself for even worrying about it.  I think part of the problem is that no matter what I do, I feel like I'm not doing enough.  I'm doing well in grad school right now, devoting a lot of energy and brain power to my proposal and qualifying exam, but now I feel guilty for not climbing more.  And of course anyone who knows me as a climber knows that I always feel guilty about not doing enough in grad school.  

I spoke with my friend Tim Doyle the other day and asked him why he never wanted to be a professional climber.  He responded "because I like it the way it is."  

"Because I like it the way it is."  

I can't think of a better response to that question.  I know so many people, including myself, who feel they need to elaborate on why being a pro climber is bad for them and why not being a pro climber is good for them.  Maybe this is because I clearly don't have the talent to be a pro climber, so it's not even an option (which I have to justify...because I like other things, because I don't want to feel obligated, whatever) but regardless, why explain it?  Do I not believe in what I'm doing?

Anyway, this is just food for thought.  I think that studying is making me crazy. I'm starting to use all these big words.  Yikes!  I don't want to appear :::gasp::: elitist!

Beast on Beast: Spider vs. Snake

Check these pictures out:

For enlarged images go here.  For the source I suggest you go here.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!

imprinting

It's become somewhat clear to me that I am re-enacting the relationship patterns that I grew up with.  How depressingly cliche is that?  

I just realized today that whenever I disagree with my parents about something, like politics for instance, I've just been "brainwashed by the liberal media".  My sister disagreed with my parents by not eating when she was starving herself.  My Dad dismissed her by saying "she was just born fucked up."  So if you are in disagreement with the F. family, either you're brainwashed (which means that you can still be saved - lucky me!), or you can't be saved cause you were fucked up to begin with, so we all know where to lay the blame.

You can only try to communicate with someone who won't listen or dismisses you for so long until you start self-censoring and just give up.  Adding insult to injury, I just had an experience where I got called out for self-editing.  When I replied that it was because "nothing's going to change", guess what?  I was dismissed and not listened to!!  Imagine that.

I think that if I ever have kids, on the day that they are born I'm going to write them a letter that apologizes for everything that I'm going to do wrong, but that I'm going to do the best that I can.  I know that my faults are only going to be passed down.   

Mushrooms!

I went to Hopland, CA, in Mendocino County, to visit my grandparents and uncles yesterday.  I went up to see my sick Grandfather, my delightful and oh-so-cute Grandmother, and to hunt mushrooms!

My Uncles and I took the Kubota out to all of the patches of madrones to look for coccora (Amanita calyptrata).  Unfortunately, Uncle Jerry and Uncle Alec were spoiled last year by the insane numbers of mushrooms.  This year, it appears that we have to work for our dinner.  

At any rate, as a team we found about 9 coccora, about 5 of which are not rejects.  I dumped the rejects on my back patio...I don't want to put them in the trash because they will probably disintegrate into a smelly, gooey ooze.  

We also found some death caps - Amanita phalloides - which I had never seen before.  I'm 99% sure that the top one is a death cap...I'm not so sure about the mushroom pictured in the second two pics:

Also spotted: milk caps - Lactarius ssp. (I think):

And then I think that this is a fungus attacking a fungus:

So now I'm going to go and meet Dr. Rob and bring over the Coccora that I found.  His wife's parents are in town, who are way into mushrooms.  They're going to look them over, and then Rob and I are going to go to PW and hope that upon our return there is a delicious lunch ready for us.  

Countdown...and down for the count

It appears that I have "popped" a tendon, whatever that means.  Climbing in the gym, felt a pop in my palm, blah blah blah.  I'm not sure how serious it is...just hurts in my palm, and is pretty sore today.  

I remember the first time I had a finger injury.  I was in Bishop at the end of a road trip (well, the finger injury largely brought it to an end) and my boyfriend at the time had just left town and I pretty much knew that it wasn't going to last.  In addition, I had no idea what I was going to do with myself...go to graduate school? Get a job?  Where should I go? What should I do?

At that time, my injury was utterly devastating.  It's kind of funny to think back on it now.  I was so bummed.  Since I was on the road trying to avoid growing up and avoid even thinking about growing up, I obsessed over my injury.  I started taking all these supplements, put ointments on it...you know...snake oil stuff.

At any rate, I went from Bishop to Wyoming for a month where I sat on the sidelines watching my "relationship" (or maybe the idea of my relationship seems more appropriate) crumble.   I was definitely not climbing...didn't know where the hell I was going to go or what I was going to do.  The fact that I couldn't climb made it so much worse.

Fast forward.  Today I'm studying for my qualifying exam.  I'm in my third year of graduate school and just got my first manuscript accepted for publication.  I have a bike, which I enjoy riding if I can't climb, a house, a job, and probably most importantly, a community.  I also have larger medical issues, which puts things in perspective.  Somehow, a tendon injury doesn't seem like that big of a deal.  Yeah.

Everyone wants to be connected

We all want to be connected with someone/something. I think it's the curse of consciousness.  Being conscious means that you understand that you are mortal, understand that you are a separate entity from everything else.  I believe this makes us lonely.  Not to mention that we are compelled societally and biologically to search out a mate, and the fact that humans have extended childcare means that we must feel trust and care from our parents/family/clan.

But in the end we are all alone.  We have people we love, people who love us, but they can never know exactly how I feel, and I can never know what it's like to be them.  All we have is language which is a poor proxy for emotion and, quite frankly, reality.  So we keep on trying.  Searching for the relationships and moments that make us feel loved, understood, listened to.  

I've been keeping a look out lately to see what sorts of methods people use to reach out or feel connected with other people.  Some people use guilt, some use sex, some use subcultures, some use substances like pot or alcohol (well, maybe that one is for dulling the ache of loneliness, boredom, ennui, alienation, etc).

Thoughts?

More good people

Party at my house tonight.  My housemate's friends are here to celebrate a successful harvest and good times are being had by all.  Fondue, plenty of alcohol (blood orange mimosas followed by New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc).  Laughter, stories, people.

I just have to say: I love being a California yuppie.  We know how to enjoy nice things and enjoy a little bit of sensory pleasure.  I think I'm starting to enjoy this spending-weekends-at-home thing.  It ain't so bad.

Good people

I ran into a couple of old friends whom I haven't seen for a while.  After sitting in my cubicle all morning writing a proposal for my qualifying exam, I went to Pipeworks to blow off a little steam.  I wasn't expecting to see anyone (it is Friday after all - most people climb on the weekends and rest on Fridays), but I was delighted to see my friend Jake who is a blast to hang out with.  He just got married a few months ago and I never got a chance to congratulate him.

Jake is one of those people who is always happy and psyched (at least as far as I know him).  If you squint your eyes and try to imagine a really good person, you might come up with Jake.  He makes these cooky noises when he climbs, tries hard, and always has different facial hair.  What is up with the crazy facial hair?  He's also a loyal friend and a devoted husband.  Anyway, it was fun to see him.

Then I got a call from a labmate who is getting a joint UC Davis ecology PhD/Stanford JD.  He spent a year in Davis, and is now starting his third year in Palo Alto. Then he'll come back to Davis and try to finish the PhD in about 18 months (give or take - these things are hard to predict, though I tend to believe him more than I believe others).  This guy is pretty incredible.  I think he's about 27 or 28, is from Kansas, has a gorgeous wife who stays at home with their 2 kids, is obviously incredibly intelligent, and is...GASP...not socially awkward!  Most brilliant people I know are not the most...um...at ease with other people.  I think that maybe this guy has it all.

In other news, still chipping away at my tui chub proposal and starting to train and climb a bunch of steep stuff again.  

U. S. A.

The first map shows blue and red counties, with percentages of democrat and republican made scaled between blue and red depending on percentage who voted red or blue.  The second map has been contorted to represent the number of people living in each area.  

I like these maps mostly because I am a dork, but also because you can get a better feel for how many democrats there are vs. republicans than by just looking at a map of the states  in red and blue.

One thing to keep in mind is that there is a bias in the human sensory system towards red, so if the map had been done in shades of grey between black and white, might seem a little different...but I don't know how to do that.  John?  Any ideas?

I got these images from here.

In other news, we had a celebrity siting at the crag yesterday.  Having a professional climber come to the crag and piss all over your projects is a humbling and inspiring experience.  There's a reason why I have my day job and he has his day job.  Good to know that sometimes the world operates logically.

Proposition 8

I am completely flabbergasted that Proposition 8 won in CA.  It seems like such a no-brainer to me!  Who are these people that are for Prop 8? Where do they live?  

It amazes me that people feel so threatened by gay marriage.  Part of the argument is that schools will have to teach children about gay marriage (this is not confirmed).  Even still:  who cares?  Why shouldn't kids know that homosexuals exist?  I mean we fool kids into thinking that Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny exist when they are fairy tales, and that's okay.  But we shield kids from knowing something (that quite frankly, I think is trivial - about the people who they share this world with?  I just don't get it.  I really don't, and I never will.  I'm sorry but you cannot deny reality.  

Oh and they are saying it's about the definition of marriage, and the sanctity of the institution.  Um...prove to me that marriage is sacred in this day and age.  Maybe straight people should reconsider their view of marriage in the light of the fact that more than 50% of marriages end in divorce.  The idea of marriage being sacred is simply laughable.  If you care about the sanctity of marriage, focus on your own marriage and not the marriages of others.  Stop needing to define your marriage relative to the relationships of others.  Ridiculous.

To think of all of the money that was spent on the advertising for both sides, and what good things that money could have done instead.  I think it is tragic that not only did Proposition 8 win, but that it is something we wasted our time thinking about when so many other serious issues are far more worthy of our advertising dollars, emotions and brain power (I use the term "brain power" for the No on Prop 8 side.  I question the intellect of the Yes on 8 people).

The final issues with Prop 8 is that churches are afraid that they will lose their tax exempt status if they refuse to honor gay marriage.  Well: tough shit.  Ever heard of separation of church and state?  What ever happened to that?  

UGH!  I'm so disgusted.

Craving a little Desert.

I just had a glass of wine (keep in mind I am a lightweight) and have been looking through friends' facebook photos of desert climbing.  Especially photos of Indian Creek.  

There's nothing like experiencing a visceral craving for a particular place.  Somehow I always forget how wrecked I am after climbing at the Creek and want more.  It's almost like a bad addiction.  Maybe I like the punishment.  

In another vein, I had a friend (who I thought was a good friend) basically disown me after he found out that I didn't want to date him.  At first I was ok with not having communication, because I can understand that people need to do what they need to do for themselves.  But now I'm not so sure. On one hand, I am very flattered.  On the other hand, I've spent a lot of time wondering if I've done anything to lead him on...as far as I can tell, I've been clear.  Most of the people who know me are very aware of how I feel about things.  I don't think I'm coy or deceptive in any way.  Another side of this is the fact that life has been a bit turbulent this year, and to have someone who I care about disappear off the face of the planet is a bummer.  In addition, I feel a little bit like I'm being "punished" for not wanting to date this person.  It's one thing to cut off someone you've dated for a while, it's another entirely to cut off someone who you've been friends with for a long time and have never dated.  Makes me question the whole nature of the friendship.  Was he only friends with me because he wanted to sleep with me? 

And you know what else?  I'm pretty sure that fake-powdered cheese flavor is one of the best flavors on the planet.  Cheetos, Pirate's Booty, Annie's Mac and Cheese.  Delicious.

thoughts?

Green porno

Check this out.  It's a series of short films done by Isabella Rossellini about insects and sex.  Make sure you watch all of them!

This is some seriously quirky shit. Some of you might find it disturbing.

Something to put a smile on your face

I found this on failblog.org

pretty classic sign.

For even more fun, check out this blog on Engrish.  Ever been to Asia?  Then you've probably read some Engrish:

I love quirky shit.  I never knew I needed to cool my mood and colorful my life, but now I'm not sure I can live without!

untitled, more verbal refuse.

This week has been rather boring.  This is partly because I started studying for my qualifying exam, which is December 8.  So days are spent learning about how much I don't know, but will be required to know.  Daunting.

Other than that, it is raining.  It's a full on winter storm, where it rains all day.  The power even went out this morning, causing me to go to Crepeville and make sure that my laptop was just low on battery power and not dead.  Fortunately, the battery was just dead.  I think I'll back everything up today - music, photos, papers, whatever.  

I went to Jailhouse yesterday; it was rather demoralizing.  I wasn't feeling amazing - maybe because the conditions were horrendous, maybe because I had steroid infusion Wednesday, but most likely because I'm out of shape.  At any rate, I'm very sore today, especially my butt for some reason.  

I've been trying to pinpoint what it is about Jailhouse that has turned me off this year.  I think it could be all of the analysis of performance.  People comparing themselves to each other, talking about who's done what, who does what on this move.  What diets people are on, training schedules, why they didn't send, blah blah blah.  I used to think it was fun talking about that stuff - thinking about what I could do to climb harder, getting psyched.  I can also understand why it's fun for others.  But now I don't want to hear it.  Maybe it's because I have "real" physical things to worry about.  It's one thing to wish you were stronger, it's another to hope that you don't become disabled.  It's annoying to hear people bitch about why they aren't sending their projects, or what crappy rock climbers they are (especially when they're not crappy rock climbers - that one irritates me the most!).  

Maybe this is why I don't enjoy climbing videos or the climbing media these days either.

I just want to go and rock climb.  I don't want to hang in a harness, I don't want to overanalyze my performance and always come up short (which I would - I'll never be as good as I think I should or could be).  Hanging out with good people, doing a lot of moves in a row.  Going to cool places.  That's what I'm psyched on right now.

Naturally I berate myself: why don't you just not let it bother you?  Why don't you just ignore it?  well for some reason I can't, so for now, I'm changing directions for a little while so I can take a break from the pressure I place on myself.

Inevitably, I'll get psyched on climbing hard again and projecting stuff.  I think it's challenging emotionally and physically, and I'm sure I've grown a lot as a climber and as a person through projecting climbs.  As pointless as projecting (or even rock climbing in general) is, it teaches determination and patience, among other things.  Hopefully those skills translate into other life areas.  The trick, in my view, is to not let it dominate my self-image or world-view (or serve as a distraction from connecting), while using it as a tool to enrich my life.  Honestly if I didn't have climbing weekends and trips to look forward to, I'd be a very sad cookie.

Speaking of climbing trips to look forward to, there is talk of a trip to the creek in the spring with a solid partner, which would be rad.  It's quite a ways off though, so I don't want to get my hopes up too much.  It's always awesome being able to spend time somewhere with a steady partner who has similar goals.  Both parties tend to accomplish more, and the energy is positive and motivated.