This year has been really really hard. So many bad things have happened. I hate to focus on the negative, because many wonderful things have happened as well, but I think it's important to honor the shitty things too. It seems like people like to ignore or deny the unpleasant things. But we all know that the challenges tend to make us grow a lot more than the easy stuff.
Getting diagnosed with multiple sclerosis is a pretty big deal. To this day, I still can't believe that when I write the previous sentence, it is the truth. It still sounds like it's a lie - something that isn't really happening. But it has and it is, and it will. Things have calmed down since the spring when things were really bad, but my hand still acts up, the injections hurt, and I still go to the hospital once a month for a steroid infusion. It still is.
My relationship with Alex was extremely painful this year. There's not really any good left in us anymore, not even a friendship. Of course it's nothing that anyone reading this hasn't gone through before. We've all been there, which makes the fact that it's so fucking painful seem cheap and lame. I'm just reflecting on the reasons that I hung in there for so long. One time a friend of mine said that we all had to date one person who is mean to us. Hopefully I've ticked that one off the list.
I've met and become close with so many wonderful people this year. I finally feel like I have a community of supportive friends that I care about. I think it's been really good for me to spend time with people who are genuinely nice. Nice without wanting anything, and nice without worrying that you're going to try to take something away from them.
Work has been mostly sidelined this year, especially with the medical crap that I went through. However I did pass my qualifying exam, and studying for it gave me more inspiration and made me psyched on what I'm doing again. I hope that I can sustain the passion long enough to get a lot done in the next quarter.
So in the next year, I hope to do some healing, spend time with nice, well-adjusted people, repair the relationship with my parents, and get a lot of work done. Hopefully I'll get some rock climbing done too.
Thanks so much to everyone who has listened to me, been there for me, and sent positive thoughts my way.
2 comments:
I like that you are going to try and work it out with your parents.
You're a champ Mandi, hang in there. Hope you have a wonderful year.
Post a Comment