Burn out

I realized that the last few weeks have nearly broken me. Not enough fun and too much work. And I got this email at 6am yesterday morning:

Hi Girls, is there any word on the machine?  Katie should we keep tagging
after all the missed females yesterday?  We are sitting on a 1.25 boxes
right now, I am just getting concerned, WHAT DO WE DO?


I've joined a project and my one task is to get genotypes to the delta smelt hatchery. Of course our genotyping machine has been down, and down for way longer than expected. I've been pressuring whoever I can and screaming and crying, but still it's not fixed. Finally I biked the plates over to another lab on campus and they ran them for me (at $60 bucks a piece!!). Basically it's been stressing the hell out of me because the hatchery needs to spawn fish at a particular time; because I haven't given them updated genotypes, the fish don't get spawned - then people freak out.

AND I've just joined this project and everyone probably thinks I'm an incompetent tool. This is not cool. Plus the ALL CAPS LOCK IS NEVER CALLED FOR.

And forget about teaching well...I gave my students an exam last night (modeled on the ones another professor used while teaching this class), and I realized (while watching them take the test) that I'd put several questions on there that I hadn't covered yet. Fucking brilliant.

So basically I'm flailing at life right now. There is not enough time to get done all that needs to get done. I need help triaging.

Yesterday, between pipetting, excel-ing, GENEMAPPER-ing, CERVUS-ing and stressing out about the smelt I took a moment to look up and thought to myself "this is fucked up. I don't like this." It's the first time I can recall where I've ever thought that about my job. Even over the weekend I was thinking about how good I have it. Is this what they call burn out?

As for climbing, over the past month I've been climbing just enough to start sucking slightly more slowly. That's got to change. Climbing isn't fun when you are just getting (noticeably) worse...or at least it isn't fun when you're getting worse at a super hard crag. So I kickstarted and climbed three days last weekend, and am planning on at least 2 this weekend.

Part of the problem is that I never climb in the gym - I know I should, but if I have time to climb in the gym, then I have a whole day and I may as well go outside. I'm sick of driving to Sac, and I'm not going to make a special trip just to go to the gym. Blargh.

Other teachers get emails too

This one is a hoot. I swear there should be a website devoted to crazy emails that students send their professors. It could be like Cakewrecks or Fmylife or Bad Tattoos. Anyway, strap in for a wondrous ride.

"Hey there,

I am almost certain I have missed a total of 3 class sessions. However I am certain that I have missed valuable discussions. I will keep my explanation as short and sweet as possible. Though there isn't much 'sweetness' rampant in this story.

I've found myself within a cycle I refer to as the 'sticky cycle'. Essentially, it is the increasingly lower rate of ambition and focus brought forth by my seemingly overwhelming use of medicinal cannabis. My insomnia and nicotine addiction is why I originally applied for a cannabis card. However my past ordeals were eventually rekindled and since I'm dealing with marijuana, the term 'sticky cycle' arose. It's both a literal and figurative description.

The interesting part is my thoughts during the time in which I know I could perform substantially higher quantity and quality of work. This thought in itself stresses me out and, for weeks on end, I will smoke, spend much time in nature and ponder on 'life'. I always leave this cycle with a conclusion I have discovered before, however I feel as if an imaginary orb of inspiration falls into my hands. It's quite powerful. However this orb is like ice; if the conditions aren't optimal, it surely will melt. Mine melted quite a while ago. 

I'm somewhat embarrassed to deal with the problems I have created during my sticky cycle, more so intimidated by the amount of work and the possibility of not getting a grade that I wanted, essentially seeing it as a waste of time to study in it's entirety because I won't have been able to understand and apply all the material that I wish to have learned and have a grade that proves so. 

I've decided to block out everything that I can categorize. I have ignored the setting in which I study, learn, converse. I am trying to avoid energy that is like a parasite, only absorbing your energy, if not making it go haywire. I'm trying to make myself learn to be happy again with being able to focus on what I find necessary to be focused on at the moment. But most importantly, I have chosen to go to school, I have chosen to enroll in this course. I have decided, time and time again, that the only approach to this universe if if one decides to be an active, unfettered part of the universe. This is why I am choosing to ignore 'directions', I try to remind myself that wherever I go, I am still 'here'. It's difficult for me to explain, but my psychedillic experience with mushrooms is what led me to this thought (and not to shy away from this email!)

I must thank you for your kindness. Your offer of help was powerful enough for me to write this email so I can remind myself what the heck I'm doing. Thank you! =D"

I get emails

Now that I'm a teacher and people want things from me, I get some interesting emails. Like this one:

Hello, my name is (redacted). I was emailing you to see if you may be ablr to squeeze me into your NATR 300. Class Tuesday and Thursday from 6-8:05pm. If you can it would be greatly appreciated and I promise to catch up the slack instantly. You will not be disappointed. Honestly I didn't plan on taking this class  until next year but 2 classes I was wait listed for rejected me and if I don't find 5 units I will not only lose my financial aid and unemployment. I know that is not your problem but if I don't fill my schedule my daughter and I will both end up homeless. Thank you very much for your time please emcail me back at (redacted) so if you can help me out I can make it to the next scheduled class. 


 and this one:

I'm having trouble keeping up with all the work in this class...Is it assumed
that we will have a lot of access to the intranet and that we wil have a
computer?  Please tell me why there seems to be much more homework in this
class than any other night class I've taken.   Also, Is there some parts of the
homework that is of more importance like the book questions and the essay's or
is the stuff on-line going in the drop box more important? Must we have it all?
If so I will have to drop because I can't keep up with this pace...

I'm officially going crazy

I just spent >12 hours working on chapter 3. It is now turned into the only person on  my committee who wants to see it again. Once I get her edits and copy-edit, plus format chapters 1 and 2 into dissertation format, I'm done! Fuck YEAH! I'm pretty excited. The only thing is that I don't usually work this much on one paper in any given day and now I'm completely insane. I keep rubbing my eyes and I just called Sunshie and I think I must have spoken 100 works/second.

On a climbing note, I had a crappy day yesterday. I'd made steady progress on Alcatraz and had high expectations. I got deservedly spanked and had some regression. Oh yay. Makes me want to go on another trip and do nothing but climb 5.11s. Really that's more my style. I should probably train more. And by more I mean at all. I've been averaging going to the gym to climb 1 day/month. I just can't warrant driving to Sacramento to climb when I drive to JH at least 1x/week, plust Sacramento 2-3x/week to teach. I like my driving-free days. Especially now that I'm teaching a group of 30 students how not to destroy the planet.

And on the not destroying the planet note, teaching abou conservation and sustainability just makes me feel like crap. Not only am I a huge hypocrite, but I'm talking out of my ass. To be fair, I tell my students I'm talking out of my ass and to think critically not only about what I say (and I welcome challenges), but what the textbook says and what the media says.

As an aside, I've had environmental movies on the entire time I've been working on chapter 3 today. Talk about an extra dose of depressing. I've watched Blue Gold, American Experience: Earth Days, Dirt! The Movie, Colony, the 11th Hour...and I swear there was another one but they're all running together now.

Ok I clearly need to step away from the computer. I think I just banged out this blog post in 3 minutes.

New Music, and teaching is fun

I've decided that I like teaching. Where this will take me, I'm not sure. At least I'm not reluctant to say it anymore (I'm a weirdo; we've established that). Apparently I used the phrases "don't want to be locked down" "I'm afraid I'd be stranded" "I know I'm not married to it" "I'm just afraid to be trapped" when talking to Dan about choosing teaching as a career. Hmmm.

I like a few new songs that I've heard...they're not that new, but I've recently stumbled upon them and tracked down the artist (the Iphone is amazing!).



and



This week is crazy hectic. I'm not particularly excited about it. I'm still waiting for comments on my third chapter. You could say that my PhD is suspended somewhere in the ether, the vortex, the internet no-man's-land.

Teaching is...interesting

I've been meaning to write down a few thoughts about my first-ever semester of teaching.  And since I'm beating the shit out of some whisky-flavored marshmallows and it takes about 20 minutes, I have time. Awesome.

So one of the things that I was surprised to realize is that the students pretty much make up 50% of the good and the bad of a class. When I was planning the course, since I had no idea what to expect, I imagined a group of automatons who would just sit there and listen, or students who would argue with me about evolution or grades or whatever. In other words, I expected the worst. However the students really made the experience fun. They were psyched, engaged, and I became fond of most of them. There were a few annoying folks, but I suppose that is to be expected. Even the annoying ones weren't so bad.

When I was giving the final and students were turning in their papers, several of them thanked me, wanted to shake my hand or even give me a hug. It was pretty awesome, and made it all seem worth it. They really did make the class what it was.

I also realized, as I was leaving the final and locking up the classroom for the last time this semester, that I almost always feel really good after teaching. Even if, on the drive from Davis to Carmichael I was dwelling on something or upset about something, I'd forget about it during class and just have fun interacting with the students. It was a pretty cool experience. It's also cool to think that now I have another marketable skill - teaching. I by no means think that I am a great teacher, but it's something that I can do if a job opportunity ever comes up, or I decide that I'd like to teach at a community college. It would be pretty awesome to have so many holidays, that's for sure!

Ok I'm back after a day. I had my first "Feast of the Seven fishes" at a friend's house. Dungeness, smoked salmon, smoked trout, lobster tails, shrimp and herring. Ok so that's six fishes, but who's counting? This is a good tradition (as long as you leave the religion out, which we did). The lobster was awesome! I naturally brought dessert - a vegan dark chocolate pomegranate cake. Apparently for folks with milk allergies, you can make ganache with soy milk and you'd never know the difference. Oh yeah and bourbon flavored marshmallows, which turned out really well.

Now I'm finishing up the best pecan pie recipe I've ever made (maple star-anise pecan pie) to take to the ranch. I feel a little guilty that my parents showed up yesterday and I chose to eat lobster rather than whatever weird food my weird aunt was going to serve...but fuck it-I'd always rather eat lobster.

I suck at blogging

But it's because I'm really busy!

OK - I'm watching trashy tv - True Blood. It is gloriously trashy.

I just got back from Bishop last night, and had a great trip! Climbed with Crista and James...I LOVE climbing new things. I don't get to do that very much in the winter time...I'm chained to Jailhouse.

One of my students gave me pot fudge. I'd love to post this on FB, but it seems like a poor career move...so instead I'll put it on my blog which nobody reads.

I had a blitz of cookie making today - salted browned butter rice krispy treats, Christina Tosi's corn cookies, green tea shortbread, whisky caramel marshmallow and bacon bark, and gruyere and hazelnut crackers. It was a successful day all in all, and I hope the recipients enjoy everything!

I saw something new in the Bishop area - the red canyon and chidago petroglyphs. Plus I got to show Crista and James the pupfish - and they are still there, which is always a relief.

I'm hoping to go to Las Vegas for a week and a half after the New Year - I'm so excited about my new girl posse! Climbing with girls is the shit. I love it.

So that's the short version of the last month or so. Hopefully I'll get back to blogging regularly.

Productivity slump

Back on my own for a few days, and trying to get things done. I seem to have fallen into a productivity slump, fueled by:

1. listening to this over and over, causing myself to spiral into a positive feedback vortex of sentimentality:


2. Having nothing but guest lecturers in my class, so not needing to actually prepare anything (though I do have to write an exam for Tuesday, and an exam review for Saturday...ugh.). I'm experiencing a serious lull in my interest in teaching this class. Semesters are SO LONG. Plus I feel like I have no grand plan for teaching the class...no general outline for the second half of the semester, and no idea what I want to actually teach. I feel like it's all a hodgepodge; I have no vision.

3. Downloading Ren and Stimpy digitally remastered classics (YES!)
Ren and Stimpy always reminds me of Traci, my sister. We both loved that show as kids. She even bought me themed bedroom slippers - one was Ren and one was Stimpy. I wish I still had them.

4. Getting jolted out of my routine by the stuff that I wrote about in the last post.  Indeed.

I wish I was a more adaptable person, or maybe I just need more shit that I HAVE to do RIGHT NOW.  My pupfish chapter is languishing in versions on my thumb drive. I've been reading papers to try to find a good "story" to tell...I just can't decide, but it needs to get done. I need to finish my PhD. I think I'm getting hung up on the details of the data analysis rather than thinking more broadly.

Is 3pm too early to start drinking?

On doing things you know are bad for you, and of course other random ramblings.

"Like eating the whole pint of ice cream" as Ethan would say, "and yet I do it over and over and over again."

This was a mundane example, but I'm speaking of more um...emotionally challenging examples.  I've been thinking about these things lately, and much more.

The 14th was the 10th anniversary of my sister's death. I didn't call my parents until the next day. The seem to be holding up rather well.

Teaching community college students has been an amazing experience so far. I'm not sure if it's something I'd like to do as my only profession. I think I'd feel stranded if my only community was other teachers and the students. Going to Seattle got me so fired up about science. I like teaching, but I think, like many things in my life, I could only be satisfied if it's a component of my life, and not my whole life.

I went to SF yesterday afternoon to hang out with Ethan, who's back for a couple of days. He had some crazy massage the day before, so he just hung out and belayed. What a guy! Then we got indian food at a restaurant in the Mission with a bunch of other people. It was awesome. I really like hanging out with his friends in SF. I'm a bit envious of his community there. Ethan is pretty young, but it's pretty impressive how mature he is in some ways. For example he's way better with people than I am. He can sit and chat with people in the gym, and be interested in what they have to say, far longer than I can tolerate.  Not to mention that given he's a famous climber, people are always stopping to talk to him.  His patience impresses me...it's never been something I've had in spades. I could learn a lot.

Got back around midnight and finally slept ok. It's been so warm at night that it's hard to sleep...the last couple of nights have been cooler, and I actually wake up refreshed, which is a nice feeling.

Going back to teaching, I'm learning so much about what makes people successful and what doesn't (at least in my small small world of school and academia). In generally I don't think of myself as particularly successful. Until I go and teach! Then I think "hey, I'm not doing so bad, and I know a thing or two."  It's a nice feeling.  That said, a lot of my students are really great. I think it's just that the general vibe is that people don't listen, have to ask things over and over, get confused easily, don't turn in things on time, show up late, or think I'm expecting too much. Sometimes it seems like some of them are just missing some basic life skills. It's not that they have a lack of knowledge, or are unable to learn, or don't know the right people - it's just that they don't know what to prioritize, be responsible or professional. I don't know. It's hard to put my finger on it.

How to teach evolution

I'm cruxing on the fact that a lot of my students clearly don't understand evolution and natural selection.  Those topics are particularly tough for several reasons:
1. It's political (which is dumb, but people are dumb, so it makes sense)
2. People think that they understand it when they really don't
3. It's a topic that needs to be "sat" with for a long time to really let it sink in
4. It's not something that you can see happen in an instant.

So I'm putting together a series of videos:

First one that I can't embed that is by far the most offensive, and hilarious:

http://youtu.be/KzF5aQ8X-hA

Next up:









Too bad I can't actually show all of this or I'd get fired. Being in a community of academic scientists in Davis has skewed my perception of the world and what people believe, understand, or care about. I try to remind myself of that every day, but I'm still actually surprised when people believe in Jesus and shit.  I can't let my students in on my disbelief and how much of a bubble I live in. It's hard.

I'm not required to teach evolution in my class. In fact I'm not required to teach anything since the class has never been taught before at American River. However on a personal note it's really important to me that people at least understand it, even if they don't believe it. Some of the students understand it, but since there are no prerequisites, a lot of folks have never had to learn evolution, or learned it so long ago that it's out of the window.  So many questions about what I should/can teach. I mean even a quick and dirty talk on evolution and natural selection could be a challenge - people get entire graduate degrees and base their whole careers on understanding it.

Basically this is all I'm thinking about right now. Such an eye-opener.

Pretty song + teaching doubts

My latest song obsession.

I'm in unfamiliar territory lately. What with my ward and my class, I'm not used to being in charge. I don't particularly like it. I'd rather just have a discussion group with people over beer, but instead I have to develop rubrics and grade people, and be a hardass about attendance, etc.  I don't make a very good policewoman.

My typical way of dealing with people is to sit back and observe and then decide how I'm going to act.  I'm not the greatest at asking for what I need. It seems strange that this would translate to a course, and that grading and all that crap would be easy, but it's not.

Another big challenge is my generally sensitive nature. One of the characteristics I like and dislike about myself is that I'm extremely sensitive. Sensitive to body language, expressions, comments, and innuendo.  Combine that with a very observant nature and I'm always trying to read the students for if they're getting it or not, or if they're enjoying themselves or bored or need a break or whatever.  I don't know what that line is of making sure they have a good time and getting the job done.

I can't be less sensitive - it's the nature of the beast. But perhaps I can find a way to cope with it. I accept that they're not all going to want to be there, they're not all going to attend, or participate, or even like me.  That I get...I just need to stop "collecting and analyzing data" when I look at their faces.  Or not stop, but do it less.

I'm so tired and overwhelmed right now.  Hopefully when I get back from my conference things will calm down a little bit.  I do appreciate the challenge and the novelty of teaching. It's apparent after 31 years that I need a lot of action and challenges to stay happy and engaged.  One thing I can say is that I'm definitely engaged right now. I'm so engaged in the work that I'm doing that normal things that I'd mull over just don't fit in after triage. Blessing or curse?

New occurrences

So yesterday it occurred to me that I have three jobs. THREE. That's too many jobs. Granted, I don't have to work all three jobs every day, but at least every week.

1. Teaching (I had my first class Saturday)
2. Fish and Wildlife Service (winding down)
3. Graduate student/post-doctoral researcher.

Yes. I am busy. Hence the lack of blogging lately.

So far the teaching is going well, though of course it's too early to tell. The student seem excited and bright and engaged. I'm so informal that one thing I worry about is having them forget who's boss. Gotta be a bit more of a hard-ass I think.

Also I went into the field:

View Larger Map

Gmaps makes it difficult (or I haven't figured out how) to make the route go along dirt roads, but this is the general route.  It was AWESOME. I live for this shit. Meeting biologists and going to random out-of-the way places. Love love love.

Here are some photos:

 Hay Corral Spring on Lockes Ranch

 Crenichthys nevadae (Railroad Valley springfish)

 Lockes Ranch is adjacent to Black Rock Station (not the same as Black Rock City of Burning Man fame)

 Old ranch houses at Green Springs

 More Green Springs

 Railroad Valley springfish in tequila (I need to start bringing ethanol with me everywhere I go)

 We slaughter bass after they slaughter native fishes, then we inspect their stomachs to see what they are eating.

 Fish Creek Springs tui chub

 Shoshone Pond Natural Area, a reserve for the Pahrump poolfish.

 Catching the Pahrump poolfish in a tiny ditch.

Pahrump poolfish  - endangered.

In other news, for the required spray about rock climbing, I've finished two .12ds at Column of the Giants - Contortionist and Spin Doctor - in three weeks...hopefully the crag isn't soft and they are legit and I'm actually feeling fit.  We'll see. I started on a .13a called Hey Ladies that is pretty fun, but chossy and a bit scary (like most of the crag).  Just a couple more days up there, so hopefully I can finish it up before I start going to Donner to finish up some stuff.

Adorable!

I wrote my first email to my students and two have already responded. Check this out:

Wow I am so excited. I have always wanted to work with fish and help sustain them. I am 3 classes from graduation and I feel like I have been waiting my whole life to take this class. and another: Awesome!!! I'm so excited.  This is my first class that is actually toward my major and I'm oozing with enthusiasm. So cute, and it makes me pretty excited. I hope that I can be a good teacher! Oh yeah I sent my project. blah blah blah. I did it 2nd try 2nd day on, which just shows you that I was strong enough but totally botched it the previous like, 7 times.  wtf.

Overload. Meltdown.

So rather than doing the productive things that I need to do, I am watching 6 Feet Under and playing Words with Friends.

For the first time in grad school I'm so overloaded that I feel a bit like I've shut down.  I'm trying to prepare for the class I'm teaching, which starts on Aug 23.  Then there's this whole slew of shit I have to do for that as well, like get a TB test, get a social security card, set up my email account and an online site for the course...

Then my minion apparently cannot be taught for some reason. I'm all out of ideas for why she can't do labwork.  She's been watched making reactions by several people, and still her results suck.  I'm completely vexed and out of ideas.

I had a job interview for a position in Las Vegas as a state biologist. It was over the phone but it went really well!  I have no idea what's going to happen, since I can't start until December of January due to teaching the class.

Forget about finishing my dissertation or the side project I've been trying to do....wow there was just a really moving scene in 6 Feet Under.  I'm so easily distracted.  I blame the internet.

Yeah...and there's the garden that needs to be watered, especially since my garden partner is in Mammoth for her field season.  Uuuggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh so overloaded.

Time for some serious triage.  What to take care of first?

oof it's been a while

So it's been a while since I've actually written. Probably because I'm very busy.  In a good way.

I'm loving this summer - the weather, picking fruit, foraging, cooking, baking, hanging out with friends, etc.  I've stopped to marvel a few times at how happy I feel right now.  Is it strange that it's strange?  I'll be biking around Davis in the heat and think "wow this is really nice. I LOVE this."  I sound like I'm high!

Anyway, my latest obsession has been picking fruit at this place called Impossible Acres just west of Davis. Most fruit is 1.99 a lb.  So cheap! So now I have a crapload of jam. Apricot, Bing cherry, marionberry, boisenberry...mulberry (which we gleaned from a tree in a park in Winters).  What is it about picking things that is so satisfying?  No clue. But my friends are the beneficiaries of this (strange? natural? primitive?) habit, so everyone wins.

I do have a canning injury now though. I was using jar grabbers to grab a jar out of boiling water and my finger touched the water. I jerked my hand back and flicked boiling water in my eye. Hurt like a bitch and I found some hydrocodone left over from my MS flare 3 years ago. It doesn't hurt now, but I look like I got punched in the face. Once again I have attained new heights of sexiness - it's truly a talent. It was EXXXTREME canning, if I do say so myself. I think the apricot jam is going to be really good.

Tonight I'm going to a pig roast at someone's house (they shot it). My friend is also way into foraging. We got some beta on where/how to find really big morels. Hopefully we'll make it up to the Sierra this weekend and score. I think I'm going to make more elderflower sherbet. That reminds me - gotta go out and get more elderberries.

I'm also starting to go to Column of the Giants. Pretty fun climbing - I like the angle of the stuff on the left side. It's a long drive, but I found a solid partner who I can meet in Jamestown, reducing behind-the-wheel time.

I'm not sure if I mentioned that I got the teaching position at American River College. Class starts mid August so I have a lot of work to do. I've been attending this teaching seminar at Davis that's simultaneously given me a lot of ideas about how to teach and overwhelmed me with how much people think about teaching. Hint: it's a LOT. I'm not going to have time to think about this stuff! Between lecture and grading and organizing and all that stuff, how much time will I have to think about dualistic, multiplistic and relativistic learning? Not much I think.

Last night we packed up the moving van for Karrigan, who's relocating to Kansas after getting a PhD at Davis in Ecology and a law degree from Stanford. I'll be sorry to see him go. He's been a very good friend. On the bright side, he gave me his deep fryer, so now I can make donuts (without just using a dutch oven - temperature control of the oil is the hardest part).

In another new development, I have a minion at work, who I'm training in molecular techniques. It's interesting, and is an eye opener to how long I've worked here and how efficient I am (at least relative to a beginner). It's strange having someone report to me, and look to me to tell them what to do. Very weird. I actually have to have something for her to do...all the time, or else she doesn't know what to do with herself. On the bright side, she can generate a lot of data because she's not distracted by writing, doing rerun, organizing a class for fall semester, applying for grants, data analysis, rock climbing, canning and baking.  So that's good.

Back to Column Friday/Saturday.