I'm not even sure how to begin this post. I've had some thoughts fluttering around my brain lately and the best I can do is to say that they involve giving and taking.
I'm don't know if I'd call myself a very giving person, but I do like to do things for my friends. I like doing those things - making cookies, taking people out to dinner, whatever. It makes me happy to do things for the people I care about. I've often wondered if I'm really a giving person if I derive pleasure out of the giving - doesn't that actually make me selfish? I've thought about this for years and decided no. The gain the receiver gets from the gift is only doubled when it makes the giver happy too - not cancelled out.
On the other hand, I find that derailed friendships often involve me inevitably feeling like I'm getting nothing in return for the effort I put in...so does that mean that there really is a price to the energy I give? Hard to say. I never intend for that to happen - it's not planned. What I can say is that resources are limited, so even though you enjoy doing things for others, you've got to do the best you can to invest those resources wisely.
Then there are those who take, and will always find people to take from. I can't figure out how a relationship between two takers works...someone must inevitably give. In my parents, it's my Mom who give and my Dad who takes. At this point, that's what works for them, so to say "giver" and "taker" seems way too simplified. My dad gives by receiving, and my mother receives by giving. They are basically one unit.
I've found myself involved with takers...or people who give just enough to keep you on the hook. They are awesome to be around sometimes, so awesome that it eclipses the rest of the picture and blinds you to reality. As my friend Kat says "The takers will destroy the givers."
I have some friends who give so much that I feel bad about it - I feel bad for talking their ear off about boring stuff that bothers me, or asking for things...I feel like I can never give enough back to those people. But they are still there and I love them for it. I can only try to give back to those people - or to be there when they need me.
The final point is that I know I'm hard to get to know. I'm liberal with new people about personal information - I don't have a whole lot of shame. But actually devoting time to new people is tough. I should try to be better about that. But should you give a little to a lot of people who aren't close or a lot to a couple of very very close friends?
Showing posts with label ramblings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ramblings. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Sunday, January 29, 2012
I'm officially going crazy
I just spent >12 hours working on chapter 3. It is now turned into the only person on my committee who wants to see it again. Once I get her edits and copy-edit, plus format chapters 1 and 2 into dissertation format, I'm done! Fuck YEAH! I'm pretty excited. The only thing is that I don't usually work this much on one paper in any given day and now I'm completely insane. I keep rubbing my eyes and I just called Sunshie and I think I must have spoken 100 works/second.
On a climbing note, I had a crappy day yesterday. I'd made steady progress on Alcatraz and had high expectations. I got deservedly spanked and had some regression. Oh yay. Makes me want to go on another trip and do nothing but climb 5.11s. Really that's more my style. I should probably train more. And by more I mean at all. I've been averaging going to the gym to climb 1 day/month. I just can't warrant driving to Sacramento to climb when I drive to JH at least 1x/week, plust Sacramento 2-3x/week to teach. I like my driving-free days. Especially now that I'm teaching a group of 30 students how not to destroy the planet.
And on the not destroying the planet note, teaching abou conservation and sustainability just makes me feel like crap. Not only am I a huge hypocrite, but I'm talking out of my ass. To be fair, I tell my students I'm talking out of my ass and to think critically not only about what I say (and I welcome challenges), but what the textbook says and what the media says.
As an aside, I've had environmental movies on the entire time I've been working on chapter 3 today. Talk about an extra dose of depressing. I've watched Blue Gold, American Experience: Earth Days, Dirt! The Movie, Colony, the 11th Hour...and I swear there was another one but they're all running together now.
Ok I clearly need to step away from the computer. I think I just banged out this blog post in 3 minutes.
On a climbing note, I had a crappy day yesterday. I'd made steady progress on Alcatraz and had high expectations. I got deservedly spanked and had some regression. Oh yay. Makes me want to go on another trip and do nothing but climb 5.11s. Really that's more my style. I should probably train more. And by more I mean at all. I've been averaging going to the gym to climb 1 day/month. I just can't warrant driving to Sacramento to climb when I drive to JH at least 1x/week, plust Sacramento 2-3x/week to teach. I like my driving-free days. Especially now that I'm teaching a group of 30 students how not to destroy the planet.
And on the not destroying the planet note, teaching abou conservation and sustainability just makes me feel like crap. Not only am I a huge hypocrite, but I'm talking out of my ass. To be fair, I tell my students I'm talking out of my ass and to think critically not only about what I say (and I welcome challenges), but what the textbook says and what the media says.
As an aside, I've had environmental movies on the entire time I've been working on chapter 3 today. Talk about an extra dose of depressing. I've watched Blue Gold, American Experience: Earth Days, Dirt! The Movie, Colony, the 11th Hour...and I swear there was another one but they're all running together now.
Ok I clearly need to step away from the computer. I think I just banged out this blog post in 3 minutes.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
It's all tripe to me.
I found myself at a table (still in Vegas at this point) last night where there some folks talking about climbing. Who they'd seen in the Valley, who blah blah ohmygod. Are the grades hard or soft at Red Rocks Imightblowmybrainsoutnow.
As I get older, I become more tolerant in some ways and less tolerant in others. One thing I'm less tolerant of now is talk about climbing. If you're talking about your personal experiences, that's great. If you're talking about the aforementioned subjects, I just can't bear it any more. I think I should accept this limitation about myself.
I ran into my ex a few months back and hearing him talk, I couldn't believe that I ever was (pretended to be?) interested in the drivel pouring from his mouth. Was I a different person? Was I just coping? Was I really interested? I think I was...but I'm not sure.
I suppose we change a lot in our 20s. I was climbing with a group of girls at the Stratocaster wall yesterday and we were talking about whether your 20s or 30s are better. The consensus (among the 30 year olds, yes a biased sample) was that your 30s are better. I'd have to agree. As a relevant example, I remember in my 20s I would climb with people just because I wanted to climb. I'm way more picky now, and it has led to wonderful times and friends - and a hell of a lot less suffering. The women I climb with (and the men) are some of my closest friends. And yet we really don't spend a lot of time talking about climbing. Climbing I suppose is just a starting point. Something in common to spend time doing together.
During the conversation about whether or not your 20s or 30s are better, I said "I think your 30s are better because you adjust your expectations about life". A guy who I'd just met said "wow that's really sad." I thought for a moment and said "You could look at it that way, but why fight for what will never be? I don't want to fight my whole life. I think that, while you can mourn what will never be, you can also appreciate that lowering your expectations or being content with what you have is really beautiful in a way." Isn't that how we all want to be when we're in a rocking chair on a porch in our 90s? Content? Not to say that I don't want to be doing as much as I can for my whole life, but I would also like to feel satisfied and content with what I have been able to accomplish.
I ran into an old friend (?) last night (at the same table with the climbing spray), and he asked me "so what else is going on in your life?" I said..."well apparently I'm really accomplished...I'm finishing my PhD, starting a post-doc, and teach at a community college. It's kind of weird." And in that moment it really did feel weird. How did I even get here? Shouldn't I have suffered more somehow? Or felt like it was all impossible at some point? I've suffered (as we all have in our own ways), but not in accomplishing the things that go on the CV...oddly those were the easier things that happened in the last 6 years.
I'm proud of what I've done so far - no regrets. It feels damned good. Now if I could just cross a few things on my mile-long to-do list. Sigh.
As I get older, I become more tolerant in some ways and less tolerant in others. One thing I'm less tolerant of now is talk about climbing. If you're talking about your personal experiences, that's great. If you're talking about the aforementioned subjects, I just can't bear it any more. I think I should accept this limitation about myself.
I ran into my ex a few months back and hearing him talk, I couldn't believe that I ever was (pretended to be?) interested in the drivel pouring from his mouth. Was I a different person? Was I just coping? Was I really interested? I think I was...but I'm not sure.
I suppose we change a lot in our 20s. I was climbing with a group of girls at the Stratocaster wall yesterday and we were talking about whether your 20s or 30s are better. The consensus (among the 30 year olds, yes a biased sample) was that your 30s are better. I'd have to agree. As a relevant example, I remember in my 20s I would climb with people just because I wanted to climb. I'm way more picky now, and it has led to wonderful times and friends - and a hell of a lot less suffering. The women I climb with (and the men) are some of my closest friends. And yet we really don't spend a lot of time talking about climbing. Climbing I suppose is just a starting point. Something in common to spend time doing together.
During the conversation about whether or not your 20s or 30s are better, I said "I think your 30s are better because you adjust your expectations about life". A guy who I'd just met said "wow that's really sad." I thought for a moment and said "You could look at it that way, but why fight for what will never be? I don't want to fight my whole life. I think that, while you can mourn what will never be, you can also appreciate that lowering your expectations or being content with what you have is really beautiful in a way." Isn't that how we all want to be when we're in a rocking chair on a porch in our 90s? Content? Not to say that I don't want to be doing as much as I can for my whole life, but I would also like to feel satisfied and content with what I have been able to accomplish.
I ran into an old friend (?) last night (at the same table with the climbing spray), and he asked me "so what else is going on in your life?" I said..."well apparently I'm really accomplished...I'm finishing my PhD, starting a post-doc, and teach at a community college. It's kind of weird." And in that moment it really did feel weird. How did I even get here? Shouldn't I have suffered more somehow? Or felt like it was all impossible at some point? I've suffered (as we all have in our own ways), but not in accomplishing the things that go on the CV...oddly those were the easier things that happened in the last 6 years.
I'm proud of what I've done so far - no regrets. It feels damned good. Now if I could just cross a few things on my mile-long to-do list. Sigh.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Welcome to 2012
That's what somebody said to me when I told them I just bought an iphone. My 73 year old dad has an iphone, and ipad and a macbook. He is far more current than me. He also has a lot more money.
I bought an iphone - yay! So far I like it. People seem to be in love with theirs, so why not join the party? Going into the Apple store in the mall in Sac is kind of interesting - I swear Apple cuts across all sorts of demographic lines. It's a little like Wal-Mart but a hell of a lot more upscale. Even their staff, which is dominated by hipsters, has quite a few folks in the upper age brackets and of all sorts of backgrounds. What a successful company - it's pretty amazing really.
Speaking of diversity, I had a really interesting conversation with the guy who services my car. Even though I have a (not newer anymore) Volvo, I don't take it to the dealer - I take it to a guy in Davis so I can drop it off and ride my bike to work.
ANYWAY... He's Iranian, and immigrated around the end of the revolution...I think in the early 1980s or so. I swear when you have time to chat with people, it's always amazing what you find out. The guy who sold me the iphone took classes at ARC (where I teach), and taught ballroom dancing, and is a theater arts/film/english major...and obviously also working for Apple.
As I've gotten older I've become far better at listening to people and being genuinely interested. I guess that's part of growing up. Not that I'm not self-absorbed, but perhaps I'm less self-absorbed than I was in my 20s. And like my friend Jeff says..."I'm so over people trying to be important." As much as what we're born with, we're a product of our experiences...spending a lot of time with self-absorbed people has altered my priorities. Unfortunately I think that climbing lends itself to a lot of self-absorption.
I'm heading to Las Vegas tomorrow for a little over a week to climb with Crista and the other ladies. I'm so excited to go to some new crags! With GIRLS! I believe there will be bowling too, and probably some dealing with tui chubs for my "project." All in quotes because it's been on the waaaay back burner for a while. But it's close to my heart and every time I get a chance to work on it I get excited about it all over again.
Yeah Vegas!
And off to send Jeff another box of cookies...his were stale by the time he got them. Not ok.
I bought an iphone - yay! So far I like it. People seem to be in love with theirs, so why not join the party? Going into the Apple store in the mall in Sac is kind of interesting - I swear Apple cuts across all sorts of demographic lines. It's a little like Wal-Mart but a hell of a lot more upscale. Even their staff, which is dominated by hipsters, has quite a few folks in the upper age brackets and of all sorts of backgrounds. What a successful company - it's pretty amazing really.
Speaking of diversity, I had a really interesting conversation with the guy who services my car. Even though I have a (not newer anymore) Volvo, I don't take it to the dealer - I take it to a guy in Davis so I can drop it off and ride my bike to work.
ANYWAY... He's Iranian, and immigrated around the end of the revolution...I think in the early 1980s or so. I swear when you have time to chat with people, it's always amazing what you find out. The guy who sold me the iphone took classes at ARC (where I teach), and taught ballroom dancing, and is a theater arts/film/english major...and obviously also working for Apple.
As I've gotten older I've become far better at listening to people and being genuinely interested. I guess that's part of growing up. Not that I'm not self-absorbed, but perhaps I'm less self-absorbed than I was in my 20s. And like my friend Jeff says..."I'm so over people trying to be important." As much as what we're born with, we're a product of our experiences...spending a lot of time with self-absorbed people has altered my priorities. Unfortunately I think that climbing lends itself to a lot of self-absorption.
I'm heading to Las Vegas tomorrow for a little over a week to climb with Crista and the other ladies. I'm so excited to go to some new crags! With GIRLS! I believe there will be bowling too, and probably some dealing with tui chubs for my "project." All in quotes because it's been on the waaaay back burner for a while. But it's close to my heart and every time I get a chance to work on it I get excited about it all over again.
Yeah Vegas!
And off to send Jeff another box of cookies...his were stale by the time he got them. Not ok.
Friday, November 25, 2011
Back to one
It's been a while since I've posted - longer than usual. Same old stuff is happening, work, cooking, climbing... Winter is so grim. It gets dark so early! Depressing.
This week kinda sucked. My visitor took off (which was sad but right), my laptop died, my fridge died, my guest lecturer for my Tuesday night bailed on Monday night and I didn't have time to come up with anything new (I'd squandered movie day the Saturday before...oops), and UC Davis is in the news for the pepper spray incident (which really doesn't affect me that much, but my reaction to it is a little disturbing).
So the first way that I got wind of the pepper spray incident was when the Chancellor wrote an email...I just skimmed it (hadn't watched the viral video yet, though I'd seen it posted a bunch). At first I was like "why didn't the students move when they asked them to?" But then I watched the video, and I still had the "why didn't they move" reaction... but watching the dude pepper spray I was thinking "why did they have to use pepper spray? This seems really fucked up!". But then I though a little more and I thought "why did they have to move in the first place?" The best forum for protest, no matter how stupid you think the issue is (as long as it's not harming anyone) is the University.
I don't know...I'm a little ashamed that at first I wasn't as appalled as I feel like I should have been. It makes me worry that I'm becoming apathetic or desensitized to these things. I really should have felt more initial outrage. One thing that my visitor taught me is that I take a very measured approach to feeling things if I don't have confidence that I know what's really going on. I suppose it's part of the science background, but probably other things too. Who knows.
Career-wise life is great...other than I'm not motivated to do any real work. I ended up canceling class Tuesday rather than busting my ass to come up with something. I know I should have rallied and dealt, but knowing that I'm the boss and I could cancel class and had an out...I guess I just didn't.
Oh yeah and now I have to figure out if I'm going to move out of my house or buy it from my parents. I have to decide by June, which is a lot of time to think about it. I waffle back and forth. I have no debt right now, and assuming debt, even if my parents sell me the house for the cost of the mortgage, is daunting. I'll probably be in Davis another year at least (post-docing, and teaching at the community college)...but then what? I have no idea. I get stressed thinking about it. Being an adult sucks.
This week kinda sucked. My visitor took off (which was sad but right), my laptop died, my fridge died, my guest lecturer for my Tuesday night bailed on Monday night and I didn't have time to come up with anything new (I'd squandered movie day the Saturday before...oops), and UC Davis is in the news for the pepper spray incident (which really doesn't affect me that much, but my reaction to it is a little disturbing).
So the first way that I got wind of the pepper spray incident was when the Chancellor wrote an email...I just skimmed it (hadn't watched the viral video yet, though I'd seen it posted a bunch). At first I was like "why didn't the students move when they asked them to?" But then I watched the video, and I still had the "why didn't they move" reaction... but watching the dude pepper spray I was thinking "why did they have to use pepper spray? This seems really fucked up!". But then I though a little more and I thought "why did they have to move in the first place?" The best forum for protest, no matter how stupid you think the issue is (as long as it's not harming anyone) is the University.
I don't know...I'm a little ashamed that at first I wasn't as appalled as I feel like I should have been. It makes me worry that I'm becoming apathetic or desensitized to these things. I really should have felt more initial outrage. One thing that my visitor taught me is that I take a very measured approach to feeling things if I don't have confidence that I know what's really going on. I suppose it's part of the science background, but probably other things too. Who knows.
Career-wise life is great...other than I'm not motivated to do any real work. I ended up canceling class Tuesday rather than busting my ass to come up with something. I know I should have rallied and dealt, but knowing that I'm the boss and I could cancel class and had an out...I guess I just didn't.
Oh yeah and now I have to figure out if I'm going to move out of my house or buy it from my parents. I have to decide by June, which is a lot of time to think about it. I waffle back and forth. I have no debt right now, and assuming debt, even if my parents sell me the house for the cost of the mortgage, is daunting. I'll probably be in Davis another year at least (post-docing, and teaching at the community college)...but then what? I have no idea. I get stressed thinking about it. Being an adult sucks.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Productivity slump
Back on my own for a few days, and trying to get things done. I seem to have fallen into a productivity slump, fueled by:
1. listening to this over and over, causing myself to spiral into a positive feedback vortex of sentimentality:
2. Having nothing but guest lecturers in my class, so not needing to actually prepare anything (though I do have to write an exam for Tuesday, and an exam review for Saturday...ugh.). I'm experiencing a serious lull in my interest in teaching this class. Semesters are SO LONG. Plus I feel like I have no grand plan for teaching the class...no general outline for the second half of the semester, and no idea what I want to actually teach. I feel like it's all a hodgepodge; I have no vision.
3. Downloading Ren and Stimpy digitally remastered classics (YES!)
Ren and Stimpy always reminds me of Traci, my sister. We both loved that show as kids. She even bought me themed bedroom slippers - one was Ren and one was Stimpy. I wish I still had them.
4. Getting jolted out of my routine by the stuff that I wrote about in the last post. Indeed.
I wish I was a more adaptable person, or maybe I just need more shit that I HAVE to do RIGHT NOW. My pupfish chapter is languishing in versions on my thumb drive. I've been reading papers to try to find a good "story" to tell...I just can't decide, but it needs to get done. I need to finish my PhD. I think I'm getting hung up on the details of the data analysis rather than thinking more broadly.
Is 3pm too early to start drinking?
1. listening to this over and over, causing myself to spiral into a positive feedback vortex of sentimentality:
2. Having nothing but guest lecturers in my class, so not needing to actually prepare anything (though I do have to write an exam for Tuesday, and an exam review for Saturday...ugh.). I'm experiencing a serious lull in my interest in teaching this class. Semesters are SO LONG. Plus I feel like I have no grand plan for teaching the class...no general outline for the second half of the semester, and no idea what I want to actually teach. I feel like it's all a hodgepodge; I have no vision.
3. Downloading Ren and Stimpy digitally remastered classics (YES!)
Ren and Stimpy always reminds me of Traci, my sister. We both loved that show as kids. She even bought me themed bedroom slippers - one was Ren and one was Stimpy. I wish I still had them.
4. Getting jolted out of my routine by the stuff that I wrote about in the last post. Indeed.
I wish I was a more adaptable person, or maybe I just need more shit that I HAVE to do RIGHT NOW. My pupfish chapter is languishing in versions on my thumb drive. I've been reading papers to try to find a good "story" to tell...I just can't decide, but it needs to get done. I need to finish my PhD. I think I'm getting hung up on the details of the data analysis rather than thinking more broadly.
Is 3pm too early to start drinking?
Monday, October 10, 2011
Life revolution
Ok well revolution is probably a strong word, but a lot has happened in the last 2 weeks. I won't go into all of it here, as this is the internet and nothing is sacred, but I will say that things are good. I don't know how long it will stay good, but hopefully for more than another week.
I've been hanging out with someone who's given me some welcome new perspective on what I'm capable of, what I've been through, and what I want. I think he's probably in the same boat as me, which is good (you know, sharing a boat - makes paddling easier). We feel like we've been in an oxbow for the last week, but now it's probably time to get back into the current and move.
Ahh horrible metaphors - my special talent.
I've basically taken the last week off of work and gotten next to nothing done. So now I have some time to get my shit back together, but of course everything is different now. It's so much easier to stay in my little hobbit hole and not let anyone in - status quo is comfortable and easy. I have my list of things to rant about, my list of things that I do every week, every day. A not so subtle shift has kind of rocked my world.
And another note to say that I've realized that I have really protective friends, which is a good good feeling. Considering my past taste in men has been...um...abysmal (and people just LOVE to tell me so; ha ha ha everyone), it's good for people to go out of their way to give me the thumbs up for a change.
I've been hanging out with someone who's given me some welcome new perspective on what I'm capable of, what I've been through, and what I want. I think he's probably in the same boat as me, which is good (you know, sharing a boat - makes paddling easier). We feel like we've been in an oxbow for the last week, but now it's probably time to get back into the current and move.
Ahh horrible metaphors - my special talent.
I've basically taken the last week off of work and gotten next to nothing done. So now I have some time to get my shit back together, but of course everything is different now. It's so much easier to stay in my little hobbit hole and not let anyone in - status quo is comfortable and easy. I have my list of things to rant about, my list of things that I do every week, every day. A not so subtle shift has kind of rocked my world.
And another note to say that I've realized that I have really protective friends, which is a good good feeling. Considering my past taste in men has been...um...abysmal (and people just LOVE to tell me so; ha ha ha everyone), it's good for people to go out of their way to give me the thumbs up for a change.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Squirrels are evil
I will always stand by my statement that "I don't like mammals." Well, mostly I don't like mammals. I like birds, plants, fish, mushrooms, prokaryotes, insects and pretty much every other life form on this planet, but I'm really not nuts about mammals. Maybe it's the fur or something...or the teeth.
And now I dislike some of them even more: squirrels.
Squirrels are evil. Complete evil. They are NOT cute (neither are bunnies, which I know makes me strange, but don't we already know that I'm strange?)
The squirrels have been completely decimating the garden this summer. They are awful. I had 5 beautiful pumpkins on the vine and yesterday I went to the garden and discovered that they'd eaten all the ripe ones from the inside out. Nightmare. I was so so pissed. Am still pissed.
In the meantime they've eating the tomatoes, zucchini, strawberries and cucumbers. The only thing they haven't eaten are the habaneros, jalapenos and other hot chilis. Is this all we can grow here now? We need a herd of cats. A squadron of dogs. 100 little boys with bb guns. We can't poison them, and live traps probably aren't feasible since there are probably 500 squirrels in the garden. It's enough to make you give up altogether and just buy your veggies.
Fucking squirrels.
And now I dislike some of them even more: squirrels.
Squirrels are evil. Complete evil. They are NOT cute (neither are bunnies, which I know makes me strange, but don't we already know that I'm strange?)
The squirrels have been completely decimating the garden this summer. They are awful. I had 5 beautiful pumpkins on the vine and yesterday I went to the garden and discovered that they'd eaten all the ripe ones from the inside out. Nightmare. I was so so pissed. Am still pissed.
In the meantime they've eating the tomatoes, zucchini, strawberries and cucumbers. The only thing they haven't eaten are the habaneros, jalapenos and other hot chilis. Is this all we can grow here now? We need a herd of cats. A squadron of dogs. 100 little boys with bb guns. We can't poison them, and live traps probably aren't feasible since there are probably 500 squirrels in the garden. It's enough to make you give up altogether and just buy your veggies.
Fucking squirrels.
Friday, September 16, 2011
On doing things you know are bad for you, and of course other random ramblings.
"Like eating the whole pint of ice cream" as Ethan would say, "and yet I do it over and over and over again."
This was a mundane example, but I'm speaking of more um...emotionally challenging examples. I've been thinking about these things lately, and much more.
The 14th was the 10th anniversary of my sister's death. I didn't call my parents until the next day. The seem to be holding up rather well.
Teaching community college students has been an amazing experience so far. I'm not sure if it's something I'd like to do as my only profession. I think I'd feel stranded if my only community was other teachers and the students. Going to Seattle got me so fired up about science. I like teaching, but I think, like many things in my life, I could only be satisfied if it's a component of my life, and not my whole life.
I went to SF yesterday afternoon to hang out with Ethan, who's back for a couple of days. He had some crazy massage the day before, so he just hung out and belayed. What a guy! Then we got indian food at a restaurant in the Mission with a bunch of other people. It was awesome. I really like hanging out with his friends in SF. I'm a bit envious of his community there. Ethan is pretty young, but it's pretty impressive how mature he is in some ways. For example he's way better with people than I am. He can sit and chat with people in the gym, and be interested in what they have to say, far longer than I can tolerate. Not to mention that given he's a famous climber, people are always stopping to talk to him. His patience impresses me...it's never been something I've had in spades. I could learn a lot.
Got back around midnight and finally slept ok. It's been so warm at night that it's hard to sleep...the last couple of nights have been cooler, and I actually wake up refreshed, which is a nice feeling.
Going back to teaching, I'm learning so much about what makes people successful and what doesn't (at least in my small small world of school and academia). In generally I don't think of myself as particularly successful. Until I go and teach! Then I think "hey, I'm not doing so bad, and I know a thing or two." It's a nice feeling. That said, a lot of my students are really great. I think it's just that the general vibe is that people don't listen, have to ask things over and over, get confused easily, don't turn in things on time, show up late, or think I'm expecting too much. Sometimes it seems like some of them are just missing some basic life skills. It's not that they have a lack of knowledge, or are unable to learn, or don't know the right people - it's just that they don't know what to prioritize, be responsible or professional. I don't know. It's hard to put my finger on it.
This was a mundane example, but I'm speaking of more um...emotionally challenging examples. I've been thinking about these things lately, and much more.
The 14th was the 10th anniversary of my sister's death. I didn't call my parents until the next day. The seem to be holding up rather well.
Teaching community college students has been an amazing experience so far. I'm not sure if it's something I'd like to do as my only profession. I think I'd feel stranded if my only community was other teachers and the students. Going to Seattle got me so fired up about science. I like teaching, but I think, like many things in my life, I could only be satisfied if it's a component of my life, and not my whole life.
I went to SF yesterday afternoon to hang out with Ethan, who's back for a couple of days. He had some crazy massage the day before, so he just hung out and belayed. What a guy! Then we got indian food at a restaurant in the Mission with a bunch of other people. It was awesome. I really like hanging out with his friends in SF. I'm a bit envious of his community there. Ethan is pretty young, but it's pretty impressive how mature he is in some ways. For example he's way better with people than I am. He can sit and chat with people in the gym, and be interested in what they have to say, far longer than I can tolerate. Not to mention that given he's a famous climber, people are always stopping to talk to him. His patience impresses me...it's never been something I've had in spades. I could learn a lot.
Got back around midnight and finally slept ok. It's been so warm at night that it's hard to sleep...the last couple of nights have been cooler, and I actually wake up refreshed, which is a nice feeling.
Going back to teaching, I'm learning so much about what makes people successful and what doesn't (at least in my small small world of school and academia). In generally I don't think of myself as particularly successful. Until I go and teach! Then I think "hey, I'm not doing so bad, and I know a thing or two." It's a nice feeling. That said, a lot of my students are really great. I think it's just that the general vibe is that people don't listen, have to ask things over and over, get confused easily, don't turn in things on time, show up late, or think I'm expecting too much. Sometimes it seems like some of them are just missing some basic life skills. It's not that they have a lack of knowledge, or are unable to learn, or don't know the right people - it's just that they don't know what to prioritize, be responsible or professional. I don't know. It's hard to put my finger on it.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
How to teach evolution
I'm cruxing on the fact that a lot of my students clearly don't understand evolution and natural selection. Those topics are particularly tough for several reasons:
1. It's political (which is dumb, but people are dumb, so it makes sense)
2. People think that they understand it when they really don't
3. It's a topic that needs to be "sat" with for a long time to really let it sink in
4. It's not something that you can see happen in an instant.
So I'm putting together a series of videos:
First one that I can't embed that is by far the most offensive, and hilarious:
http://youtu.be/KzF5aQ8X-hA
Next up:
Too bad I can't actually show all of this or I'd get fired. Being in a community of academic scientists in Davis has skewed my perception of the world and what people believe, understand, or care about. I try to remind myself of that every day, but I'm still actually surprised when people believe in Jesus and shit. I can't let my students in on my disbelief and how much of a bubble I live in. It's hard.
I'm not required to teach evolution in my class. In fact I'm not required to teach anything since the class has never been taught before at American River. However on a personal note it's really important to me that people at least understand it, even if they don't believe it. Some of the students understand it, but since there are no prerequisites, a lot of folks have never had to learn evolution, or learned it so long ago that it's out of the window. So many questions about what I should/can teach. I mean even a quick and dirty talk on evolution and natural selection could be a challenge - people get entire graduate degrees and base their whole careers on understanding it.
Basically this is all I'm thinking about right now. Such an eye-opener.
1. It's political (which is dumb, but people are dumb, so it makes sense)
2. People think that they understand it when they really don't
3. It's a topic that needs to be "sat" with for a long time to really let it sink in
4. It's not something that you can see happen in an instant.
So I'm putting together a series of videos:
First one that I can't embed that is by far the most offensive, and hilarious:
http://youtu.be/KzF5aQ8X-hA
Next up:
Too bad I can't actually show all of this or I'd get fired. Being in a community of academic scientists in Davis has skewed my perception of the world and what people believe, understand, or care about. I try to remind myself of that every day, but I'm still actually surprised when people believe in Jesus and shit. I can't let my students in on my disbelief and how much of a bubble I live in. It's hard.
I'm not required to teach evolution in my class. In fact I'm not required to teach anything since the class has never been taught before at American River. However on a personal note it's really important to me that people at least understand it, even if they don't believe it. Some of the students understand it, but since there are no prerequisites, a lot of folks have never had to learn evolution, or learned it so long ago that it's out of the window. So many questions about what I should/can teach. I mean even a quick and dirty talk on evolution and natural selection could be a challenge - people get entire graduate degrees and base their whole careers on understanding it.
Basically this is all I'm thinking about right now. Such an eye-opener.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Overload. Meltdown.
So rather than doing the productive things that I need to do, I am watching 6 Feet Under and playing Words with Friends.
For the first time in grad school I'm so overloaded that I feel a bit like I've shut down. I'm trying to prepare for the class I'm teaching, which starts on Aug 23. Then there's this whole slew of shit I have to do for that as well, like get a TB test, get a social security card, set up my email account and an online site for the course...
Then my minion apparently cannot be taught for some reason. I'm all out of ideas for why she can't do labwork. She's been watched making reactions by several people, and still her results suck. I'm completely vexed and out of ideas.
I had a job interview for a position in Las Vegas as a state biologist. It was over the phone but it went really well! I have no idea what's going to happen, since I can't start until December of January due to teaching the class.
Forget about finishing my dissertation or the side project I've been trying to do....wow there was just a really moving scene in 6 Feet Under. I'm so easily distracted. I blame the internet.
Yeah...and there's the garden that needs to be watered, especially since my garden partner is in Mammoth for her field season. Uuuggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh so overloaded.
Time for some serious triage. What to take care of first?
For the first time in grad school I'm so overloaded that I feel a bit like I've shut down. I'm trying to prepare for the class I'm teaching, which starts on Aug 23. Then there's this whole slew of shit I have to do for that as well, like get a TB test, get a social security card, set up my email account and an online site for the course...
Then my minion apparently cannot be taught for some reason. I'm all out of ideas for why she can't do labwork. She's been watched making reactions by several people, and still her results suck. I'm completely vexed and out of ideas.
I had a job interview for a position in Las Vegas as a state biologist. It was over the phone but it went really well! I have no idea what's going to happen, since I can't start until December of January due to teaching the class.
Forget about finishing my dissertation or the side project I've been trying to do....wow there was just a really moving scene in 6 Feet Under. I'm so easily distracted. I blame the internet.
Yeah...and there's the garden that needs to be watered, especially since my garden partner is in Mammoth for her field season. Uuuggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh so overloaded.
Time for some serious triage. What to take care of first?
Thursday, June 23, 2011
oof it's been a while
So it's been a while since I've actually written. Probably because I'm very busy. In a good way.
I'm loving this summer - the weather, picking fruit, foraging, cooking, baking, hanging out with friends, etc. I've stopped to marvel a few times at how happy I feel right now. Is it strange that it's strange? I'll be biking around Davis in the heat and think "wow this is really nice. I LOVE this." I sound like I'm high!
Anyway, my latest obsession has been picking fruit at this place called Impossible Acres just west of Davis. Most fruit is 1.99 a lb. So cheap! So now I have a crapload of jam. Apricot, Bing cherry, marionberry, boisenberry...mulberry (which we gleaned from a tree in a park in Winters). What is it about picking things that is so satisfying? No clue. But my friends are the beneficiaries of this (strange? natural? primitive?) habit, so everyone wins.
I do have a canning injury now though. I was using jar grabbers to grab a jar out of boiling water and my finger touched the water. I jerked my hand back and flicked boiling water in my eye. Hurt like a bitch and I found some hydrocodone left over from my MS flare 3 years ago. It doesn't hurt now, but I look like I got punched in the face. Once again I have attained new heights of sexiness - it's truly a talent. It was EXXXTREME canning, if I do say so myself. I think the apricot jam is going to be really good.
Tonight I'm going to a pig roast at someone's house (they shot it). My friend is also way into foraging. We got some beta on where/how to find really big morels. Hopefully we'll make it up to the Sierra this weekend and score. I think I'm going to make more elderflower sherbet. That reminds me - gotta go out and get more elderberries.
I'm also starting to go to Column of the Giants. Pretty fun climbing - I like the angle of the stuff on the left side. It's a long drive, but I found a solid partner who I can meet in Jamestown, reducing behind-the-wheel time.
I'm not sure if I mentioned that I got the teaching position at American River College. Class starts mid August so I have a lot of work to do. I've been attending this teaching seminar at Davis that's simultaneously given me a lot of ideas about how to teach and overwhelmed me with how much people think about teaching. Hint: it's a LOT. I'm not going to have time to think about this stuff! Between lecture and grading and organizing and all that stuff, how much time will I have to think about dualistic, multiplistic and relativistic learning? Not much I think.
Last night we packed up the moving van for Karrigan, who's relocating to Kansas after getting a PhD at Davis in Ecology and a law degree from Stanford. I'll be sorry to see him go. He's been a very good friend. On the bright side, he gave me his deep fryer, so now I can make donuts (without just using a dutch oven - temperature control of the oil is the hardest part).
In another new development, I have a minion at work, who I'm training in molecular techniques. It's interesting, and is an eye opener to how long I've worked here and how efficient I am (at least relative to a beginner). It's strange having someone report to me, and look to me to tell them what to do. Very weird. I actually have to have something for her to do...all the time, or else she doesn't know what to do with herself. On the bright side, she can generate a lot of data because she's not distracted by writing, doing rerun, organizing a class for fall semester, applying for grants, data analysis, rock climbing, canning and baking. So that's good.
Back to Column Friday/Saturday.
I'm loving this summer - the weather, picking fruit, foraging, cooking, baking, hanging out with friends, etc. I've stopped to marvel a few times at how happy I feel right now. Is it strange that it's strange? I'll be biking around Davis in the heat and think "wow this is really nice. I LOVE this." I sound like I'm high!
Anyway, my latest obsession has been picking fruit at this place called Impossible Acres just west of Davis. Most fruit is 1.99 a lb. So cheap! So now I have a crapload of jam. Apricot, Bing cherry, marionberry, boisenberry...mulberry (which we gleaned from a tree in a park in Winters). What is it about picking things that is so satisfying? No clue. But my friends are the beneficiaries of this (strange? natural? primitive?) habit, so everyone wins.
I do have a canning injury now though. I was using jar grabbers to grab a jar out of boiling water and my finger touched the water. I jerked my hand back and flicked boiling water in my eye. Hurt like a bitch and I found some hydrocodone left over from my MS flare 3 years ago. It doesn't hurt now, but I look like I got punched in the face. Once again I have attained new heights of sexiness - it's truly a talent. It was EXXXTREME canning, if I do say so myself. I think the apricot jam is going to be really good.
Tonight I'm going to a pig roast at someone's house (they shot it). My friend is also way into foraging. We got some beta on where/how to find really big morels. Hopefully we'll make it up to the Sierra this weekend and score. I think I'm going to make more elderflower sherbet. That reminds me - gotta go out and get more elderberries.
I'm also starting to go to Column of the Giants. Pretty fun climbing - I like the angle of the stuff on the left side. It's a long drive, but I found a solid partner who I can meet in Jamestown, reducing behind-the-wheel time.
I'm not sure if I mentioned that I got the teaching position at American River College. Class starts mid August so I have a lot of work to do. I've been attending this teaching seminar at Davis that's simultaneously given me a lot of ideas about how to teach and overwhelmed me with how much people think about teaching. Hint: it's a LOT. I'm not going to have time to think about this stuff! Between lecture and grading and organizing and all that stuff, how much time will I have to think about dualistic, multiplistic and relativistic learning? Not much I think.
Last night we packed up the moving van for Karrigan, who's relocating to Kansas after getting a PhD at Davis in Ecology and a law degree from Stanford. I'll be sorry to see him go. He's been a very good friend. On the bright side, he gave me his deep fryer, so now I can make donuts (without just using a dutch oven - temperature control of the oil is the hardest part).
In another new development, I have a minion at work, who I'm training in molecular techniques. It's interesting, and is an eye opener to how long I've worked here and how efficient I am (at least relative to a beginner). It's strange having someone report to me, and look to me to tell them what to do. Very weird. I actually have to have something for her to do...all the time, or else she doesn't know what to do with herself. On the bright side, she can generate a lot of data because she's not distracted by writing, doing rerun, organizing a class for fall semester, applying for grants, data analysis, rock climbing, canning and baking. So that's good.
Back to Column Friday/Saturday.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Lots of stuff, none of it climbing.
Okay it's June now. And it's like 60 degrees. Craziness.
Since I haven't been climbing due to my rotator cuff (it feels better though so hopefully it's been worth it), I've been doing domestic things like gardening and mushroom hunting and cooking and working. And job interviewing.
People ask me if the job interview went well and I say that it's difficult to tell if it went well, but very easy to tell if it went horribly. Fortunately it didn't go horribly, so I'd tentatively like to say that it went well. I should find out in about a week if I'm accepted into the pool of adjunct faculty. Maybe I'll also find out if I am offered the job teaching the fish class. I'm not even sure what I want. I haven't heard back from the Vegas job yet either. I might call the guy and bug him this week.
Instead I'd rather talk about mushrooms. It should be clear to everyone now who reads this (all 4 of you) that I'm obsessed. When the weather sucks or I'm injured, mushroom hunting is a great past time. This past weekend I went with Ben, Summer and some other random chick to look for morels. We had an insider's tip to go up to Amador County where some controlled burns had been done at around 4000-5000 feet. We didn't find much in the way of morels (below is all that I found). However spring bolete season is upon us (we weren't expecting this), so we at least ended up with some nice Boletus. I'm the only one who found any black morels. Apparently I have a supernatural gift of spotting them on the roadside while we are driving. I kept yelling at Ben "stop the car", and then jumping out and running back down the road to grab a few. People were astounded, and soon we were doing it American-style and trying to spot the mushrooms from the car. Nobody was able to do this trick but me. Ha ha ha!!!
Sunday Sarah and I worked on the garden. It's looking great! Hopefully the cucurbits do well this summer (squash, melons, cucumbers etc.). Last summer in Davis they all got some disease and nobody got much. Our strawberries are amazing! I can't even wait until they are at peak ripeness...I have to eat them now!
Sunday afternoon I went over to Bjorn and Lisa's bearing more foraged gifts. I made elderflower sherbet from elderflower syrup I made. It was amazing. I also made elderflower fritters. More like fried dough, but novel nonetheless. I mean, who doesn't like fried dough sprinkled with powdered sugar?
Last night Kat and Emily came over and we made pizzas with the mushrooms I found Saturday. Emily brought over some taleggio and Kat brought over teleme cheese. I caramelized some onions, then we sauteed the mushrooms, added kale, garlic and pancetta. Here are the final results (pre-baked):
I realized this morning that I didn't get any after shots because we were too busy eating them! The pizzas were amazing. I can't wait to get out and find more shrooms.
Since I haven't been climbing due to my rotator cuff (it feels better though so hopefully it's been worth it), I've been doing domestic things like gardening and mushroom hunting and cooking and working. And job interviewing.
People ask me if the job interview went well and I say that it's difficult to tell if it went well, but very easy to tell if it went horribly. Fortunately it didn't go horribly, so I'd tentatively like to say that it went well. I should find out in about a week if I'm accepted into the pool of adjunct faculty. Maybe I'll also find out if I am offered the job teaching the fish class. I'm not even sure what I want. I haven't heard back from the Vegas job yet either. I might call the guy and bug him this week.
Instead I'd rather talk about mushrooms. It should be clear to everyone now who reads this (all 4 of you) that I'm obsessed. When the weather sucks or I'm injured, mushroom hunting is a great past time. This past weekend I went with Ben, Summer and some other random chick to look for morels. We had an insider's tip to go up to Amador County where some controlled burns had been done at around 4000-5000 feet. We didn't find much in the way of morels (below is all that I found). However spring bolete season is upon us (we weren't expecting this), so we at least ended up with some nice Boletus. I'm the only one who found any black morels. Apparently I have a supernatural gift of spotting them on the roadside while we are driving. I kept yelling at Ben "stop the car", and then jumping out and running back down the road to grab a few. People were astounded, and soon we were doing it American-style and trying to spot the mushrooms from the car. Nobody was able to do this trick but me. Ha ha ha!!!
Black morels and the lone blondie
Sunday Sarah and I worked on the garden. It's looking great! Hopefully the cucurbits do well this summer (squash, melons, cucumbers etc.). Last summer in Davis they all got some disease and nobody got much. Our strawberries are amazing! I can't even wait until they are at peak ripeness...I have to eat them now!
Sunday afternoon I went over to Bjorn and Lisa's bearing more foraged gifts. I made elderflower sherbet from elderflower syrup I made. It was amazing. I also made elderflower fritters. More like fried dough, but novel nonetheless. I mean, who doesn't like fried dough sprinkled with powdered sugar?
Last night Kat and Emily came over and we made pizzas with the mushrooms I found Saturday. Emily brought over some taleggio and Kat brought over teleme cheese. I caramelized some onions, then we sauteed the mushrooms, added kale, garlic and pancetta. Here are the final results (pre-baked):
I realized this morning that I didn't get any after shots because we were too busy eating them! The pizzas were amazing. I can't wait to get out and find more shrooms.
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