I found myself at a table (still in Vegas at this point) last night where there some folks talking about climbing. Who they'd seen in the Valley, who blah blah ohmygod. Are the grades hard or soft at Red Rocks Imightblowmybrainsoutnow.
As I get older, I become more tolerant in some ways and less tolerant in others. One thing I'm less tolerant of now is talk about climbing. If you're talking about your personal experiences, that's great. If you're talking about the aforementioned subjects, I just can't bear it any more. I think I should accept this limitation about myself.
I ran into my ex a few months back and hearing him talk, I couldn't believe that I ever was (pretended to be?) interested in the drivel pouring from his mouth. Was I a different person? Was I just coping? Was I really interested? I think I was...but I'm not sure.
I suppose we change a lot in our 20s. I was climbing with a group of girls at the Stratocaster wall yesterday and we were talking about whether your 20s or 30s are better. The consensus (among the 30 year olds, yes a biased sample) was that your 30s are better. I'd have to agree. As a relevant example, I remember in my 20s I would climb with people just because I wanted to climb. I'm way more picky now, and it has led to wonderful times and friends - and a hell of a lot less suffering. The women I climb with (and the men) are some of my closest friends. And yet we really don't spend a lot of time talking about climbing. Climbing I suppose is just a starting point. Something in common to spend time doing together.
During the conversation about whether or not your 20s or 30s are better, I said "I think your 30s are better because you adjust your expectations about life". A guy who I'd just met said "wow that's really sad." I thought for a moment and said "You could look at it that way, but why fight for what will never be? I don't want to fight my whole life. I think that, while you can mourn what will never be, you can also appreciate that lowering your expectations or being content with what you have is really beautiful in a way." Isn't that how we all want to be when we're in a rocking chair on a porch in our 90s? Content? Not to say that I don't want to be doing as much as I can for my whole life, but I would also like to feel satisfied and content with what I have been able to accomplish.
I ran into an old friend (?) last night (at the same table with the climbing spray), and he asked me "so what else is going on in your life?" I said..."well apparently I'm really accomplished...I'm finishing my PhD, starting a post-doc, and teach at a community college. It's kind of weird." And in that moment it really did feel weird. How did I even get here? Shouldn't I have suffered more somehow? Or felt like it was all impossible at some point? I've suffered (as we all have in our own ways), but not in accomplishing the things that go on the CV...oddly those were the easier things that happened in the last 6 years.
I'm proud of what I've done so far - no regrets. It feels damned good. Now if I could just cross a few things on my mile-long to-do list. Sigh.
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