This one is a hoot. I swear there should be a website devoted to crazy emails that students send their professors. It could be like Cakewrecks or Fmylife or Bad Tattoos. Anyway, strap in for a wondrous ride.
"Hey there,
I am almost certain I have missed a total of 3 class sessions. However I am certain that I have missed valuable discussions. I will keep my explanation as short and sweet as possible. Though there isn't much 'sweetness' rampant in this story.
I've found myself within a cycle I refer to as the 'sticky cycle'. Essentially, it is the increasingly lower rate of ambition and focus brought forth by my seemingly overwhelming use of medicinal cannabis. My insomnia and nicotine addiction is why I originally applied for a cannabis card. However my past ordeals were eventually rekindled and since I'm dealing with marijuana, the term 'sticky cycle' arose. It's both a literal and figurative description.
The interesting part is my thoughts during the time in which I know I could perform substantially higher quantity and quality of work. This thought in itself stresses me out and, for weeks on end, I will smoke, spend much time in nature and ponder on 'life'. I always leave this cycle with a conclusion I have discovered before, however I feel as if an imaginary orb of inspiration falls into my hands. It's quite powerful. However this orb is like ice; if the conditions aren't optimal, it surely will melt. Mine melted quite a while ago.
I'm somewhat embarrassed to deal with the problems I have created during my sticky cycle, more so intimidated by the amount of work and the possibility of not getting a grade that I wanted, essentially seeing it as a waste of time to study in it's entirety because I won't have been able to understand and apply all the material that I wish to have learned and have a grade that proves so.
I've decided to block out everything that I can categorize. I have ignored the setting in which I study, learn, converse. I am trying to avoid energy that is like a parasite, only absorbing your energy, if not making it go haywire. I'm trying to make myself learn to be happy again with being able to focus on what I find necessary to be focused on at the moment. But most importantly, I have chosen to go to school, I have chosen to enroll in this course. I have decided, time and time again, that the only approach to this universe if if one decides to be an active, unfettered part of the universe. This is why I am choosing to ignore 'directions', I try to remind myself that wherever I go, I am still 'here'. It's difficult for me to explain, but my psychedillic experience with mushrooms is what led me to this thought (and not to shy away from this email!)
I must thank you for your kindness. Your offer of help was powerful enough for me to write this email so I can remind myself what the heck I'm doing. Thank you! =D"
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Saturday, February 4, 2012
I get emails
Now that I'm a teacher and people want things from me, I get some interesting emails. Like this one:
Hello, my name is (redacted). I was emailing you to see if you may be ablr to squeeze me into your NATR 300. Class Tuesday and Thursday from 6-8:05pm. If you can it would be greatly appreciated and I promise to catch up the slack instantly. You will not be disappointed. Honestly I didn't plan on taking this class until next year but 2 classes I was wait listed for rejected me and if I don't find 5 units I will not only lose my financial aid and unemployment. I know that is not your problem but if I don't fill my schedule my daughter and I will both end up homeless. Thank you very much for your time please emcail me back at (redacted) so if you can help me out I can make it to the next scheduled class.
and this one:
I'm having trouble keeping up with all the work in this class...Is it assumed
that we will have a lot of access to the intranet and that we wil have a
computer? Please tell me why there seems to be much more homework in this
class than any other night class I've taken. Also, Is there some parts of the
homework that is of more importance like the book questions and the essay's or
is the stuff on-line going in the drop box more important? Must we have it all?
If so I will have to drop because I can't keep up with this pace...
Hello, my name is (redacted). I was emailing you to see if you may be ablr to squeeze me into your NATR 300. Class Tuesday and Thursday from 6-8:05pm. If you can it would be greatly appreciated and I promise to catch up the slack instantly. You will not be disappointed. Honestly I didn't plan on taking this class until next year but 2 classes I was wait listed for rejected me and if I don't find 5 units I will not only lose my financial aid and unemployment. I know that is not your problem but if I don't fill my schedule my daughter and I will both end up homeless. Thank you very much for your time please emcail me back at (redacted) so if you can help me out I can make it to the next scheduled class.
and this one:
I'm having trouble keeping up with all the work in this class...Is it assumed
that we will have a lot of access to the intranet and that we wil have a
computer? Please tell me why there seems to be much more homework in this
class than any other night class I've taken. Also, Is there some parts of the
homework that is of more importance like the book questions and the essay's or
is the stuff on-line going in the drop box more important? Must we have it all?
If so I will have to drop because I can't keep up with this pace...
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Love.
I love this song:
The video is cool but confuses me a little bit. But that's ok because it has monsters and stuff.
The video is cool but confuses me a little bit. But that's ok because it has monsters and stuff.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
I'm officially going crazy
I just spent >12 hours working on chapter 3. It is now turned into the only person on my committee who wants to see it again. Once I get her edits and copy-edit, plus format chapters 1 and 2 into dissertation format, I'm done! Fuck YEAH! I'm pretty excited. The only thing is that I don't usually work this much on one paper in any given day and now I'm completely insane. I keep rubbing my eyes and I just called Sunshie and I think I must have spoken 100 works/second.
On a climbing note, I had a crappy day yesterday. I'd made steady progress on Alcatraz and had high expectations. I got deservedly spanked and had some regression. Oh yay. Makes me want to go on another trip and do nothing but climb 5.11s. Really that's more my style. I should probably train more. And by more I mean at all. I've been averaging going to the gym to climb 1 day/month. I just can't warrant driving to Sacramento to climb when I drive to JH at least 1x/week, plust Sacramento 2-3x/week to teach. I like my driving-free days. Especially now that I'm teaching a group of 30 students how not to destroy the planet.
And on the not destroying the planet note, teaching abou conservation and sustainability just makes me feel like crap. Not only am I a huge hypocrite, but I'm talking out of my ass. To be fair, I tell my students I'm talking out of my ass and to think critically not only about what I say (and I welcome challenges), but what the textbook says and what the media says.
As an aside, I've had environmental movies on the entire time I've been working on chapter 3 today. Talk about an extra dose of depressing. I've watched Blue Gold, American Experience: Earth Days, Dirt! The Movie, Colony, the 11th Hour...and I swear there was another one but they're all running together now.
Ok I clearly need to step away from the computer. I think I just banged out this blog post in 3 minutes.
On a climbing note, I had a crappy day yesterday. I'd made steady progress on Alcatraz and had high expectations. I got deservedly spanked and had some regression. Oh yay. Makes me want to go on another trip and do nothing but climb 5.11s. Really that's more my style. I should probably train more. And by more I mean at all. I've been averaging going to the gym to climb 1 day/month. I just can't warrant driving to Sacramento to climb when I drive to JH at least 1x/week, plust Sacramento 2-3x/week to teach. I like my driving-free days. Especially now that I'm teaching a group of 30 students how not to destroy the planet.
And on the not destroying the planet note, teaching abou conservation and sustainability just makes me feel like crap. Not only am I a huge hypocrite, but I'm talking out of my ass. To be fair, I tell my students I'm talking out of my ass and to think critically not only about what I say (and I welcome challenges), but what the textbook says and what the media says.
As an aside, I've had environmental movies on the entire time I've been working on chapter 3 today. Talk about an extra dose of depressing. I've watched Blue Gold, American Experience: Earth Days, Dirt! The Movie, Colony, the 11th Hour...and I swear there was another one but they're all running together now.
Ok I clearly need to step away from the computer. I think I just banged out this blog post in 3 minutes.
Monday, January 23, 2012
New Music, and teaching is fun
I've decided that I like teaching. Where this will take me, I'm not sure. At least I'm not reluctant to say it anymore (I'm a weirdo; we've established that). Apparently I used the phrases "don't want to be locked down" "I'm afraid I'd be stranded" "I know I'm not married to it" "I'm just afraid to be trapped" when talking to Dan about choosing teaching as a career. Hmmm.
I like a few new songs that I've heard...they're not that new, but I've recently stumbled upon them and tracked down the artist (the Iphone is amazing!).
and
This week is crazy hectic. I'm not particularly excited about it. I'm still waiting for comments on my third chapter. You could say that my PhD is suspended somewhere in the ether, the vortex, the internet no-man's-land.
I like a few new songs that I've heard...they're not that new, but I've recently stumbled upon them and tracked down the artist (the Iphone is amazing!).
and
This week is crazy hectic. I'm not particularly excited about it. I'm still waiting for comments on my third chapter. You could say that my PhD is suspended somewhere in the ether, the vortex, the internet no-man's-land.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
It's all tripe to me.
I found myself at a table (still in Vegas at this point) last night where there some folks talking about climbing. Who they'd seen in the Valley, who blah blah ohmygod. Are the grades hard or soft at Red Rocks Imightblowmybrainsoutnow.
As I get older, I become more tolerant in some ways and less tolerant in others. One thing I'm less tolerant of now is talk about climbing. If you're talking about your personal experiences, that's great. If you're talking about the aforementioned subjects, I just can't bear it any more. I think I should accept this limitation about myself.
I ran into my ex a few months back and hearing him talk, I couldn't believe that I ever was (pretended to be?) interested in the drivel pouring from his mouth. Was I a different person? Was I just coping? Was I really interested? I think I was...but I'm not sure.
I suppose we change a lot in our 20s. I was climbing with a group of girls at the Stratocaster wall yesterday and we were talking about whether your 20s or 30s are better. The consensus (among the 30 year olds, yes a biased sample) was that your 30s are better. I'd have to agree. As a relevant example, I remember in my 20s I would climb with people just because I wanted to climb. I'm way more picky now, and it has led to wonderful times and friends - and a hell of a lot less suffering. The women I climb with (and the men) are some of my closest friends. And yet we really don't spend a lot of time talking about climbing. Climbing I suppose is just a starting point. Something in common to spend time doing together.
During the conversation about whether or not your 20s or 30s are better, I said "I think your 30s are better because you adjust your expectations about life". A guy who I'd just met said "wow that's really sad." I thought for a moment and said "You could look at it that way, but why fight for what will never be? I don't want to fight my whole life. I think that, while you can mourn what will never be, you can also appreciate that lowering your expectations or being content with what you have is really beautiful in a way." Isn't that how we all want to be when we're in a rocking chair on a porch in our 90s? Content? Not to say that I don't want to be doing as much as I can for my whole life, but I would also like to feel satisfied and content with what I have been able to accomplish.
I ran into an old friend (?) last night (at the same table with the climbing spray), and he asked me "so what else is going on in your life?" I said..."well apparently I'm really accomplished...I'm finishing my PhD, starting a post-doc, and teach at a community college. It's kind of weird." And in that moment it really did feel weird. How did I even get here? Shouldn't I have suffered more somehow? Or felt like it was all impossible at some point? I've suffered (as we all have in our own ways), but not in accomplishing the things that go on the CV...oddly those were the easier things that happened in the last 6 years.
I'm proud of what I've done so far - no regrets. It feels damned good. Now if I could just cross a few things on my mile-long to-do list. Sigh.
As I get older, I become more tolerant in some ways and less tolerant in others. One thing I'm less tolerant of now is talk about climbing. If you're talking about your personal experiences, that's great. If you're talking about the aforementioned subjects, I just can't bear it any more. I think I should accept this limitation about myself.
I ran into my ex a few months back and hearing him talk, I couldn't believe that I ever was (pretended to be?) interested in the drivel pouring from his mouth. Was I a different person? Was I just coping? Was I really interested? I think I was...but I'm not sure.
I suppose we change a lot in our 20s. I was climbing with a group of girls at the Stratocaster wall yesterday and we were talking about whether your 20s or 30s are better. The consensus (among the 30 year olds, yes a biased sample) was that your 30s are better. I'd have to agree. As a relevant example, I remember in my 20s I would climb with people just because I wanted to climb. I'm way more picky now, and it has led to wonderful times and friends - and a hell of a lot less suffering. The women I climb with (and the men) are some of my closest friends. And yet we really don't spend a lot of time talking about climbing. Climbing I suppose is just a starting point. Something in common to spend time doing together.
During the conversation about whether or not your 20s or 30s are better, I said "I think your 30s are better because you adjust your expectations about life". A guy who I'd just met said "wow that's really sad." I thought for a moment and said "You could look at it that way, but why fight for what will never be? I don't want to fight my whole life. I think that, while you can mourn what will never be, you can also appreciate that lowering your expectations or being content with what you have is really beautiful in a way." Isn't that how we all want to be when we're in a rocking chair on a porch in our 90s? Content? Not to say that I don't want to be doing as much as I can for my whole life, but I would also like to feel satisfied and content with what I have been able to accomplish.
I ran into an old friend (?) last night (at the same table with the climbing spray), and he asked me "so what else is going on in your life?" I said..."well apparently I'm really accomplished...I'm finishing my PhD, starting a post-doc, and teach at a community college. It's kind of weird." And in that moment it really did feel weird. How did I even get here? Shouldn't I have suffered more somehow? Or felt like it was all impossible at some point? I've suffered (as we all have in our own ways), but not in accomplishing the things that go on the CV...oddly those were the easier things that happened in the last 6 years.
I'm proud of what I've done so far - no regrets. It feels damned good. Now if I could just cross a few things on my mile-long to-do list. Sigh.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Las Vegas
People talk a lot of shit about Las Vegas. "It's so gross...blah blah blah." I'd never argue with this, there are definitely aspects of the gross here, but for some reason I really like Vegas. That said, living somewhere and visiting somewhere are completely different. I might feel differently if I moved here.
Crista and Jarrett have completely rolled out the red carpet for me. I feel humbled by their generosity. They've put up with me hanging out in their house, chauffeured and guided me around to the different crags, taken me out to dinner (and even a show!), and have been generally awesome hosts. I hope someday I can repay the favors.
I've gotten to do some other fun things while I'm here, like visit the NDOW offices and dig through their archives looking for information about tui chub in their region. If you don't know anything about agencies or fish, the former sentence is going to be like Greek to you. All you need to know is that I've satisfied the other interests I have while in Vegas. We (Crista and I) also visited the Moapa Valley Wildlife Refuge, which is nearly finished but not yet open to the public. I'm totally a desert fish VIP here. I am so cool. Heh.
Let's see - as far as climbing goes, I've spent two days at Arrow Canyon, which is near Moapa, and I'll be spending my third day at Red Rocks today at the Stratocaster Wall. I enjoy climbing with Crista because she tries hard as hell, is stronger than me, and is also shorter than me. I really have no excuses. Plus she puts me on all the routes that she likes, and can give me beta when I ask. Seriously, she's practically guiding me around here. She'll even hang draws and poof holds. Pretty funny, and hey, I'm not too proud to accept that kind of help.
I've done a couple of .12s, flashed a couple of .11+s (that used to be .12s dammit!) and done a ton of other 5.11s. After flailing at Jailhouse ("I'm going to Flailhouse for the Dreadpoint"), it's a great vacation. I don't even want to try anything harder. I can fall all over the place at my home crag. I prefer to do some actual climbing when I'm on vacation.
I'm half looking forward to getting back and half not. I'm going to be buried under a pile of work when I get back, and I'm not excited about it. I'm already looking forward to May when the smelt and school will be done. Definitely hitting the road.
Crista and Jarrett have completely rolled out the red carpet for me. I feel humbled by their generosity. They've put up with me hanging out in their house, chauffeured and guided me around to the different crags, taken me out to dinner (and even a show!), and have been generally awesome hosts. I hope someday I can repay the favors.
I've gotten to do some other fun things while I'm here, like visit the NDOW offices and dig through their archives looking for information about tui chub in their region. If you don't know anything about agencies or fish, the former sentence is going to be like Greek to you. All you need to know is that I've satisfied the other interests I have while in Vegas. We (Crista and I) also visited the Moapa Valley Wildlife Refuge, which is nearly finished but not yet open to the public. I'm totally a desert fish VIP here. I am so cool. Heh.
Let's see - as far as climbing goes, I've spent two days at Arrow Canyon, which is near Moapa, and I'll be spending my third day at Red Rocks today at the Stratocaster Wall. I enjoy climbing with Crista because she tries hard as hell, is stronger than me, and is also shorter than me. I really have no excuses. Plus she puts me on all the routes that she likes, and can give me beta when I ask. Seriously, she's practically guiding me around here. She'll even hang draws and poof holds. Pretty funny, and hey, I'm not too proud to accept that kind of help.
I've done a couple of .12s, flashed a couple of .11+s (that used to be .12s dammit!) and done a ton of other 5.11s. After flailing at Jailhouse ("I'm going to Flailhouse for the Dreadpoint"), it's a great vacation. I don't even want to try anything harder. I can fall all over the place at my home crag. I prefer to do some actual climbing when I'm on vacation.
I'm half looking forward to getting back and half not. I'm going to be buried under a pile of work when I get back, and I'm not excited about it. I'm already looking forward to May when the smelt and school will be done. Definitely hitting the road.
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