The Origin of Life - Abiogenesis

Neat! I found this on Pharyngula (see link to the right).

So I've had some remorse about my previous few posts.  They simply aren't very nice.  I've debated over whether or not to take parts down, but I haven't decided yet.  What I have decided is that I am evil.

On to more positive things.  I went up to South Lake Tahoe with Alex and stayed at his family's little cabin at Tahoe Meadows Saturday night.  It was very nice to get out of town for the weekend.  Sunday we hiked up Tallac and were down by 12:30.  It was funny, as we were finishing the hike in the heat of the day a lot of people were just starting up.  I think that starting early is definitely the best way.  Plus I am a morning person and by the time the afternoon rolls around I am off duty.  We were up and down in a few hours, in time for lunch and an afternoon nap.

I headed home to Davis and spent some time with my friend Cassandra who I hadn't seen in a long time.  She has a long-standing $500 bet with her sister over who will cave and get a cell phone first.  Dealing with a person with no cell phone is officially a pain in the ass.  But she is stubborn and I give her props for that.  We had a romantic evening of drinking wine, eating chocolate and putting together a 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle.  Jigsaw puzzles are rad, and if you don't think so, you suck.

I'm going to try a new treatment called IVIG.  I really hope it works because my hand is progressively getting more and more useless.  I'm not looking forward to five more days in the infusion center (bringing my grand total since early April to 18 days of IVs), but at least it won't give me steroid psychosis. 

Hopefully this weekend I will make it up to Tahoe again, or at least get outside and do something fun.  

I have been remiss, wish I were remitting.

So I haven't really talked to anyone in the last week. Went back on the steroids, 2 days in the ER, 3 in the infusion center (all the infusion ladies know me now). And my hand is only getting worse. It really sucks.

It's so sucky and I'm so pissed about it that I just haven't wanted to write (not to mention the fact that it is difficult to type), or talk to anyone. Haven't told my parents I was back on the infusions, my cousin came to town and we were supposed to meet but I never called him back, there was a goodbye lab potluck that I bailed on, I bailed on lab clean-up, etc. The only people I've seen are Alex and the people at the infusion center/ER. I'm quite hopeless actually.

No climbing, but I have been doing big bike rides around Davis on my crappy bike. It's been kind of nice, but I feel like I just fester about everything and get pissed at my hand, pissed at the doctors, pissed because the drugs are making me pissed, just pissed in general. I remember from the time I got diagnosed until about...oh...Saturday, everyone kept telling me how well I was handling it, that I had a good attitude, etc. Well fuck it. I'm tired of trying to have a good attitude, tired of trying to look on the bright side, tired of not punching someone in the face when they tell me "it could be worse," or "what if you can't make it up the stairs one day?" or "maybe you'll become left-handed" or "but you look so good," or "MS doesn't have you, you have MS." Tired of my parents telling me that I should quit rock climbing because "in polio patients, physical activity can make it worse." FYI, I DON'T HAVE POLIO. By the way, whenever I have any kind of trouble in life my parents suggest that it's because I rock climb too much...

Ok, so those are the things that I think about while I'm bike riding. Not very positive are they? I'd like to think that this is just one of those stages that you go through when you have something emotionally traumatic happen. The shock and denial wear away and the reality sets in that this is real, it's not going away, I can't control it or stop it, and it's just infuriating. No one knows what to say, and dammit they are lucky and I am jealous. Some day I will be some uber-zen positive and calm role model for all sentient beings. No wait, I won't. I'm just going to embrace what I feel while I feel it, know that the only thing true in this world is the fact that things change, and so they will.

Drug companies give you cool toys.

I went to a meeting of the National MS Society's Northern California Chapter in Sacramento last night.  The meeting was for newly diagnosed patients.  I wasn't expecting much, maybe to just talk to a nurse, ask a few questions and leave.  But I have to say, I was very very impressed.  There was a nurse from Kaiser and another nurse who works for the NMSS.  I liked them both a lot.  The NMSS nurse was no-bullshit, funny and informative-finally!  Plus I got to hear slander about all of the neurologists that people are seeing.

So one of the cool things about having a disease that drug companies are pouring billions of dollars into is that you get free shit.  A lot of free shit.  I got this cool ice pack last night, a book, I've gotten pens, free medication, people calling to check up on me...I had a nurse make a house call, etc.  And what's more, as an athlete and someone who "looks really good right now" (i.e. "doesn't look sick", there is potential for me to be a drug company whore: you speak publicly for...ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS PER SPEECH!!!

So...it's something to think about in terms of making money in the future.  But I guess I have to be motivational rather than morbid.  Perhaps I should work on that.

I switched interferon treatments from one that was 30mcg 1x a week to one that is a higher dose and administered every other day.  Since the interferon lasts in your body for 48 hrs, I'll have a more even blood level, so hopefully my hand will decide to come back into the fold rather than continuing to rebel.  I mean, I can appreciate a little rebellion and all, but this is ridiculous. I thought we were a team!  I feel so betrayed.  But I digress.  The new injection comes with a little autoject device that is pretty neat.  It injects you AND plunges in the medicine.  I find that this is far preferable to the intra-muscular large needles that I manually inserted and plunged into my muffin tops.  

Hopefully this medication (Betaseron: beta interferon 1b) will prevent my brain from having "black holes", like in the picture above.  These black spots begin as white spots, which are "active lesions" where my T-cells are attacking the myelin.  Hopefully the immune response stop so that my body can re-myelinate.  I checked out a few textbooks (Clinical Neuroimmunology, Immunobiology) to further educate myself about the disease process and the drugs.  Maybe I'll cure myself.

whoa!  A nurse from a Betaseron support program called Beta Plus just called me to check up on me.  Crazy.

rock climbing is fun!

So the past week has been a bit epic.  I got some sort of flu/cold that laid me out for a few days.  Unfortunately it occurred at a somewhat inauspicious time-I had a final report due on my trout project in the middle of feeling like poo.  I basically did nothing for three days...and didn't feel too guilty about it.

Yesterday I went up to Donner with Drew.  It was a lovely day, cold but not too cold to climb.  I made Drew lead everything, which he was fine with since he'd never been to Donner before.  I've pretty much done everything there I'm able to do (and a lot of stuff I am not able to do right now), so I was happy to toprope.  Ran a lap on Farewell to Arms, Little Feat, Manic Depression and Bottomless Topless.  I was psyched to do Manic Depression clean second go (once I remembered the beta).  Little Feat was kind of weird...in years past I've always hiked the bottom (a strength move) and thought that the rest (technical) was hard...yesterday I struggled with the bottom and hiked through the rest.  So I guess I'm weaker but a better rock climber.  I think I can live with that.

But it appears that I am paying for my fun yesterday by having my right hand replaced with a prehensile claw.  It is definitely worse today.  Hopefully it will get better in a few days, but I've been saying that for a few weeks now and it seems to steadily be getting worse.  Funny, when I'm climbing I don't notice it.  I guess I just have to climb more.  I find myself making little deals of acceptance with myself.  For example I'll say to myself "if I could just walk normally I would be ok with having a numb hand."  But then of course my leg gets better and my hand gets worse, so I think "well as long as I can use my hand, I don't mind if it's numb" where before any numbness was intolerable.  I guess it could by my mind's way of accepting a new reality in little bite-sized manageable pieces.  Has anyone had a similar experience?

Oh and I'm curious about whether or not I'm being too impatient about an experience I had at the crag yesterday.  I was eating some Clif Shot Blocks, which are basically delicious gummy treats.  I offered one to some people and they said "sure, I'll try one."  or "no I'm good thanks."  Fine.  Then I offer one to the third acquaintance and he looks at me and says "I don't eat food like that."  I look at him blankly and he adds "I only eat food like that if I'm running a marathon or something."  Again, I'm stumped.  He further adds "I like to eat "real" food while I'm climbing"  while making eating gestures with his hands like I don't speak English or something.  I was recounting this to Drew on the drive home, saying that it had grated on my nerves.  Was he trying to tell me I had a bad diet? Did he want me to know that he has a good diet and he runs marathons?  wtf?  Part of me wanted to say "wait! I have a good diet! you should see what I've been eating the last 2 months!!"  But another part of me was like "this is stupid"  I think just said nothing.

Why does this annoy me?  Drew said "yeah...some people always have to volunteer information about themselves.  You know, a 'no thank you' probably would have been fine."  I think he hit the nail no the head.  Does anyone (besides me) think I was just being too sensitive?

Anyway, I was excited to get home and eat last night, but upon having finished my delightful HEALTHY salad, I realized that I had left my wallet in Drew's car.  Shit.  Not only that, but Drew lives in Berkeley, and my gas tank is on empty.  Double shit.  So I called several people, and naturally no one picked up the phone, because in Davis, what you do on weekends is...leave Davis.  Fortunately this morning my good friend Lauren loaned me $40 and I had a nice little trip to Berkeley to get my wallet back.  Phew!

a puzzling interest

I'm not really sure why, considering that I am probably the least fashionable person I know, but I really like to look at fashion magazines (albeit when I'm waiting to see the dentist, pay for groceries, traveling on an airplane, etc.).  When I was in high school, I was so psyched on clothes.  I put a lot of care into what I wore every day, spent lots of my parents' money on clothes, wore makeup occasionally, etc.  Even my first year in Philadelphia at UPenn saw me dressing up.  I frequently wore - oh my gosh! - pea coats and high boots!  whoa!  Could be cause I was insecure and didn't have anything better to worry about, but who knows.

But these days I wear the same pair of shorts every day of the week, and do my best not to look in a mirror that often.  However I do still look at celebrity fashion.  It's my guilty pleasure, and certainly worth of slandering if you should choose.  

It amazes me how much we change after high school.  I kind of feel like high school was an incubator and you hatch when you get to college.  Stupid analogy, but somehow it seems to fit.

And by the way, I LOVE the dress in the photo.  I want to wear it and be a fairy princess.

What were you all like your first 2 years of college?

So Proud and Happy

I just wanted to post this link, and congratulate Justen and Tommy.  That is awesome.

It's just so inspiring.  I keep thinking that so much can be overcome if you just desire it enough.  I'm going to concentrate really hard on making my hand not numb anymore.  Yeah.  And then I'm going to climb really fucking hard, or maybe I'll just climb really fucking hard with a numb hand.