I have been remiss, wish I were remitting.

So I haven't really talked to anyone in the last week. Went back on the steroids, 2 days in the ER, 3 in the infusion center (all the infusion ladies know me now). And my hand is only getting worse. It really sucks.

It's so sucky and I'm so pissed about it that I just haven't wanted to write (not to mention the fact that it is difficult to type), or talk to anyone. Haven't told my parents I was back on the infusions, my cousin came to town and we were supposed to meet but I never called him back, there was a goodbye lab potluck that I bailed on, I bailed on lab clean-up, etc. The only people I've seen are Alex and the people at the infusion center/ER. I'm quite hopeless actually.

No climbing, but I have been doing big bike rides around Davis on my crappy bike. It's been kind of nice, but I feel like I just fester about everything and get pissed at my hand, pissed at the doctors, pissed because the drugs are making me pissed, just pissed in general. I remember from the time I got diagnosed until about...oh...Saturday, everyone kept telling me how well I was handling it, that I had a good attitude, etc. Well fuck it. I'm tired of trying to have a good attitude, tired of trying to look on the bright side, tired of not punching someone in the face when they tell me "it could be worse," or "what if you can't make it up the stairs one day?" or "maybe you'll become left-handed" or "but you look so good," or "MS doesn't have you, you have MS." Tired of my parents telling me that I should quit rock climbing because "in polio patients, physical activity can make it worse." FYI, I DON'T HAVE POLIO. By the way, whenever I have any kind of trouble in life my parents suggest that it's because I rock climb too much...

Ok, so those are the things that I think about while I'm bike riding. Not very positive are they? I'd like to think that this is just one of those stages that you go through when you have something emotionally traumatic happen. The shock and denial wear away and the reality sets in that this is real, it's not going away, I can't control it or stop it, and it's just infuriating. No one knows what to say, and dammit they are lucky and I am jealous. Some day I will be some uber-zen positive and calm role model for all sentient beings. No wait, I won't. I'm just going to embrace what I feel while I feel it, know that the only thing true in this world is the fact that things change, and so they will.