Your ex lover is dead

I found a song about the connection between saying goodbye to someone and experiencing the death of a loved one. I've become a big big fan of the cold turkey approach (my friend Aaron said that breakups should be like a carrot and not like a stick of celery). Some time has passed - but not enough time like, ever...or forever or whenever or even never would be enough.

My sister died almost 9 years ago. Not enough time could ever go by for me to feel ok with Traci dying. I don't think about it as much, of course, but there are definitely times when I'd love to talk to her. When a person is gone, then they may as well be dead. Mercifully, the sudden death of my sister rather than a slow death via anorexia made it easier to deal with. I didn't have a choice, didn't have time to decide or fuck up. I remember feeling so selfish in the immediate aftermath. Maybe going cold turkey is a way of symbolically killing off the relationship rather than letting it continue to slowly die.

Obviously it's very very different in many ways, but the process of dealing and putting it behind you is similar. Letting go, grieving, regrets, responsibility...all of it. Hoping for different things, wanting to be a better person a better friend a better family member. Feeling sorry for myself...I was also pissed at Traci for being anorexic. What a waste of life it seemed. How could she do that to herself?

"When there's nothing left to burn you have to set yourself on fire."