Exorcising the demons!

So I've been pretty pissed at my ex lately. I haven't even had contact with him in a few weeks, or seen him or anything like that.  I've debated internally about whether or not to blog about it, since it is a public forum and whatnot.

I'm not really going to focus on him though, but on my anger in hopes that somehow it will go away more quickly and proceed into the "not caring" phase. I'm impatient that way.

I guess what they say about there being a thin line between love and hate is true. My love for him was pretty strong, and I suppose that it's not surprising that the anger is just as strong.

I have fantasies of him throwing himself off a cliff, or punching him in the face, or yelling at him, or writing really embarrassing things about him on the blog.  It doesn't take a genius to figure out that being this pissed is shortening my life and causing me unnecessary blood pressure rises. It's part of wanting the other party to feel some fraction of the pain that I feel. But in the end it really only matters how I feel, and I don't want to feel angry anymore. I want to feel nothing.

I just want to forget about it.  I think I need a really long time, which I beat myself up over...I mean, why can't I just be over it?  It seems that it would be far far easier if I were the kind of person who does not get attached.  It reminds me of this line from this movie "Love, Actually" where a father is talking to his son who's maybe 13 or so.  He knows something is wrong with his son and pries it out of him. When his son says "I'm in love", the father is totally relieved, and says "oh that's a relief, I thought it was something worse." and the son replies "Something worse than the total agony of love?"

So it has been agonizing. Not agonizing in the way it was after my first couple of breakups, but agonizing nonetheless.  The phrase "soul-crushing" comes to mind. I know all of these painful feelings are part of the process, and you have to sort of move through it and then a few months later you think to yourself "wow, I really feel better than I did a few months ago."  Fortunately I can already say that I feel much much better than I did after my trip to Spain. I was pretty destroyed after that.

The only thing that gives me any comfort (and sometimes when I get comforted by this I'm reminded of my mother being comforted by psychics, but hey, whatever works) is that if I can feel that strongly for someone, maybe I'm capable of having something really good in the future. I suppose it's not useful to beat up on myself for having feelings that I can't control. Feelings by definition aren't something that can be controlled...or at least not something that I can control with any consistency.

Maybe at some point they'll figure out the interaction between brain structure and neurochemical pathways and we will be able to control them. But right now I'm working with what I've got.