Evolution - Futurama

Still in my skin

This past week, coincidentally with the end of the rain, I've become very very anxious.  I was sick the week before, doing nothing active for 7 (!) days.  Now it's sunny, I'm heading to Indian Creek in 10 (!) days, and I'm ready to get out of town.  Unfortunately I have a neurologist appointment the 17th, and a talk to give at the Threatened Trout Meeting on the 18th.  So I'm sentenced to Davis until then.

I'm at the point right now where I'm so jumpy that if I don't work out one day, I feel like a worthless turd...because I have too much energy.  It seems best to keep my body tired, in hopes that it will quiet my mind.  To this end, I've been doing spin followed by pilates 2x a week, and climbing at Pipeworks 3x a week.  I'm sore.  I'm so sore from spin/pilates yesterday that I had a dream that I was in a car crash that gave me whiplash.  But Goddammit it feels good (when I'm awake) and I'm tired of feeling fat.

Work is going...the chapter of the fishes of the Tuolumne River has taken shape, now I have to find some sort of point to it, and weave that throughout the 20 pages of text.  Unfortunately this book as meant that I have done next to nothing on my trout manuscript.  Hopefully the fact that I'll present on this project on the 18th, and then again in May will make me get my shit together.

More correspondence between PhD students.

Mandi to Alan

http://www.prospect-magazine.co.uk/article_details.php?id=10638

thoughts?

Alan to Mandi

Read it last week sucka. This is the sort of philosophy i do. It's hot
and sexy right now.

The Simpsons - Homer Evolution

did I post this already?

epic

So after a loooong time of feeling pretty good, which I'm grateful for, I'm having a little bit of a health epic.

After knocking my immune system down by trying to process more alcohol than my liver could handle, and then working out like a madwoman cause I was feeling good again, I got KO'ed by a common cold.  Unbelievable.  I felt it coming on Sunday, and figured that if I rested I could dodge it.  So much for that.  Now it's Thursday night and I'm still down for the count.  Which is a real disappointment, because I haven't had a productive week at work in quite some time, and I wanted to go to Bishop to hang out with some friend this weekend.

Ok, so I probably shouldn't go to Bishop...no big deal.  What's more concerning is that my hand is stiff and going numb again.  Should I go back on the steroids?  This is the first month that I haven't gone into the infusion center for an afternoon to get a dose of Solu-medrol.  Is that why my hand is stiff?  Or is it because, like my neurologist said, sometimes viruses can cause symptoms to flare up?  Or is it something else?  The fact that I was working out too much after not eating for a week?  I ate enough, right?  Will the steroids help if I go back on them?  Should I do 5 days in a row, or would one help?  Or should I try IVIG again?  Is it because I've been a little bit of a slacker with my interferon injections, skipping days here and there?  Is it going to get worse?  Am I going to lose function in my hand again?  Is resting and not going to Bishop helping, or if it's not going to make a difference, shouldn't I just say "fuck it" and do whatever I want?  Or maybe I've developed antibodies to the interferon...that happens in a certain percentage of users.  Ha! I'm a user.  I have boxes of used needles around the house.

At this point, I've rested for 5 (!) days...no biking, climbing, pilates, barely ANYTHING.  Normally I'd be stir crazy, but mostly I'm just tired and worried.  It's not a bad thing to have to stay here for the weekend...for the past few I've stuck around anyway.  I'm a little worried about getting depressed again though.  Because it's fucking depressing.

Right now I'm just waiting to see how I feel over the next few days.

If I stay in town, I KNOW I'll go to the gyms and try to bike...and it's difficult to hold back.

By the way, we should bug Shannon to blog about how she thought her mom was trying to poison her with Comet when Shannon was a little girl.

Tick Lists

I think I might be getting sick.  Lately I've been saying "I don't get sick", but maybe in fact, I do.  I'm a bit tired, my throat has that weird feeling, my skin is sensitive, and what is a bit more concerning: my right hand and right leg are feeling "weird" again.  This is the first month in 6 months that I have not gone to the infusion center.  I have a neuro appointment mid-March, so we can look at my brain and see how things are.  I wonder how much of the steroid infusion is "placebo" effect.  Plus I've been bad about my injections lately.  They suck.

So, long story short, I'm sitting here on the couch today instead of going to one of the bay area gyms to work out.  Beth and Justin are on their way to the new El Cerrito gym without me.  Lyn accosted me because "you said you wanted to boulder!!!".  But I must politely decline, and sit on the couch and watch a marathon of "No Reservations" on the Travel Channel.  Believe it or not, the day is still going by pretty quickly.  Already 3pm?!

Which gets me thinking about some upcoming trips, most notably INDIAN CREEK!!  I have a talk to give on March 18, and after that I'm bailing to the desert, and I CAN'T WAIT!!!  There is something about that place that makes my blood run a little hotter and a little faster.  It's sexy, gorgeous, tantalizing...in short, splitter.  SPLITTER!  

So here is a short list of the routes I'd like to climb in the Creek this spring

Any .10s that aren't splitter #3 size.

A bunch of .11s...

King Cat

Alley Cat (and not get gripped on the 10ft wide section 33 meters off the deck after all of the "hard" stuff)

Wild Cat

9 Lives

Poly grip, Dos Hermanos, Coyne Crack, Fingers in a Lightsocket

soul fire, sesh one cooking

heat searcher

some .12s

Swedin-Ringle

Slice and Dice (I TR-flashed this one and went back to redpoint, but fell at the top...didn't have to soul to try it again that day, or the time to go back before I left!!)

Digital Readout

Cat Burglar

broken tooth (though I'm turned off by the mandatory fist section to get over the tooth...)

Pistol whipped (3 pitches!)

Sacred Cow

camping under the influence (I TR-flashed this one, but I think I remember being grateful that I wasn't leading!)

T-Bones tonight (fell at the top on the flash attempt)

.13s? meh...probably not fit enough...

Belly full of Bad Berries (I kid! I kid...)

Optimator?

Death of a Cowboy?

Tricks are For Kids?

Towers

Ancient Art

something on the Bridger Jacks...

6 shooters? 

Moonlight Buttress...let's see how I feel.

I pretty much refuse to project anything at first.  If something gets me excited, then maybe.  Flailing is for gumbies!  ok, kidding again...sort of.

Any other suggestions?

more musings...I'll never stop!

So I had an interesting and random experience with an acquaintance over the last week or two.  We hung out a little bit, sort of romantically, but maybe not really.  It was odd, and I wasn't sure what to make of it.  The thing is, it was definitely unexpected, but it was kind of nice.  Naturally however, it brought up a lot of thoughts about past experiences, hopes, expectations...you know, the regular tangled morass neuroses of what goes on in my mind.  

So as it turns out, "it" is not going to go anywhere.  Which leaves me with some mixed feelings.  Every time I get involved with someone new I go into a reflective-hyperdrive (if I were in the movie Spaceballs, I'd be GOING PLAID!!!).  Aren't you glad that you don't live inside of my head by the way?  I mean, how lucky are you?!  Not only is my brain diseased, but it's also bat-shit crazy!!

 

On to my mixed feelings.  On the one hand, I felt relieved during our conversation, because I had been holding back a lot...sort of waiting to see what was going to happen.  I don't like holding back one bit.  Nope, not one bit.  Which begs the question: why am I waiting for someone else's actions to determine how I feel?  But that's another subject for another time.  On the other hand, I'm a little bit disappointed...I can't deny that I was excited to do fun things with someone.  But I think this stems more from being a person who's excited to do things in general.  I mean, I'm generally game for just about anything.

One thing that I noticed...I can get sucked into other people's moods.  Sometimes I feel like I sense discomfort, unease, depression or sadness a little too much, and I'll alter my behavior to reflect what's happening in the person I'm interacting with.  It's almost like I'm making up the difference, or bridging some sort of gap...trying to make everything ok.  And I can't even help it.  It just happens.  It's almost like I'm afraid that if I stop talking and making everything ok, then the conversation will stop and awkward silence will ensue.  Or the world will end or something dramatic like that.  It's messed up and I don't like it.  Especially cause I'm like 99% sure the other person is NOT feeling like they have to make things ok for me.

But maybe it's not all me... certainly there are many people who I am deeply comfortable around.  These people tend to be very comfortable with themselves.  It's no surprise that when you are satisfied and content with yourself, you can absorb a lot of shit from the world.  When you're not...stuff hits you a lot harder.  

You have to be resilient, or life will take you down.  

At this point in my life (the tender age of 29), I feel like I've recovered from some unpleasant things.  Traci being sick for years and years and then dying in a car crash sucked pretty hard.  Getting MS...that sucks hard too.  Both of these experiences hit my soul in different ways. 

Traci dying: shit happens to the people you love suddenly and unexpectedly.  

Getting MS: shit happens to you suddenly and unexpectedly, and I might not be able to walk in 5 years.  Okay, dramatic and not likely, but how do I know that?  I just don't think about it.  And I don't think about it when someone tells me that they know someone with MS who woke up paralyzed on one side and blind in one eye on day.  That possibility is not in my worldview.  If it happens, I'll deal with it.

Anyway the downside of all of this is that despite this "it" being nothing to get too excited about, "it" does leave a bit of a gap.  This gap is something that I know we all feel...most people I know and am close to experience painful loneliness to one degree or another.  In yoga you're supposed to "sit" with your feelings.  But honestly, fuck that!  Being lonely SUCKS, and I'll avoid it at all costs.  I mean, really?  I'm supposed to feel pain and suffering?  No way!

This is why I'm going to learn how to brew beer tonight in Sacramento, why I had lunch with a friend, why I chat online way too much, why I don't enjoy climbing by myself.  I don't know that there is anything more important in my life than the people I share it with.