So I had an interesting and random experience with an acquaintance over the last week or two. We hung out a little bit, sort of romantically, but maybe not really. It was odd, and I wasn't sure what to make of it. The thing is, it was definitely unexpected, but it was kind of nice. Naturally however, it brought up a lot of thoughts about past experiences, hopes, expectations...you know, the regular tangled morass neuroses of what goes on in my mind.
So as it turns out, "it" is not going to go anywhere. Which leaves me with some mixed feelings. Every time I get involved with someone new I go into a reflective-hyperdrive (if I were in the movie Spaceballs, I'd be GOING PLAID!!!). Aren't you glad that you don't live inside of my head by the way? I mean, how lucky are you?! Not only is my brain diseased, but it's also bat-shit crazy!!
On to my mixed feelings. On the one hand, I felt relieved during our conversation, because I had been holding back a lot...sort of waiting to see what was going to happen. I don't like holding back one bit. Nope, not one bit. Which begs the question: why am I waiting for someone else's actions to determine how I feel? But that's another subject for another time. On the other hand, I'm a little bit disappointed...I can't deny that I was excited to do fun things with someone. But I think this stems more from being a person who's excited to do things in general. I mean, I'm generally game for just about anything.
One thing that I noticed...I can get sucked into other people's moods. Sometimes I feel like I sense discomfort, unease, depression or sadness a little too much, and I'll alter my behavior to reflect what's happening in the person I'm interacting with. It's almost like I'm making up the difference, or bridging some sort of gap...trying to make everything ok. And I can't even help it. It just happens. It's almost like I'm afraid that if I stop talking and making everything ok, then the conversation will stop and awkward silence will ensue. Or the world will end or something dramatic like that. It's messed up and I don't like it. Especially cause I'm like 99% sure the other person is NOT feeling like they have to make things ok for me.
But maybe it's not all me... certainly there are many people who I am deeply comfortable around. These people tend to be very comfortable with themselves. It's no surprise that when you are satisfied and content with yourself, you can absorb a lot of shit from the world. When you're not...stuff hits you a lot harder.
You have to be resilient, or life will take you down.
At this point in my life (the tender age of 29), I feel like I've recovered from some unpleasant things. Traci being sick for years and years and then dying in a car crash sucked pretty hard. Getting MS...that sucks hard too. Both of these experiences hit my soul in different ways.
Traci dying: shit happens to the people you love suddenly and unexpectedly.
Getting MS: shit happens to you suddenly and unexpectedly, and I might not be able to walk in 5 years. Okay, dramatic and not likely, but how do I know that? I just don't think about it. And I don't think about it when someone tells me that they know someone with MS who woke up paralyzed on one side and blind in one eye on day. That possibility is not in my worldview. If it happens, I'll deal with it.
Anyway the downside of all of this is that despite this "it" being nothing to get too excited about, "it" does leave a bit of a gap. This gap is something that I know we all feel...most people I know and am close to experience painful loneliness to one degree or another. In yoga you're supposed to "sit" with your feelings. But honestly, fuck that! Being lonely SUCKS, and I'll avoid it at all costs. I mean, really? I'm supposed to feel pain and suffering? No way!
This is why I'm going to learn how to brew beer tonight in Sacramento, why I had lunch with a friend, why I chat online way too much, why I don't enjoy climbing by myself. I don't know that there is anything more important in my life than the people I share it with.
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