It's competition time!

After bailing on Jailhouse with Dr. Rob yesterday (the pouring rain didn't do much for my already low-JH-psych-level), in a fit of emailing everyone I know about doing a gym session, I decided to do the Touchstone Bouldering Series comp tonight.  I went to one a few years back and did fairly well.  More importantly though, I got a KILLER workout.  Somehow the comp vibe makes me try harder, and put in more hours.  I'm really looking forward to getting on a bunch of new boulder problems, seeing some folks that I don't see too often, and climbing 'til I puke.  And then drinking beer.  YESSSSS!

So after I decided to do the comp, I had to email and call everyone to try to get them to compete too.  Ryan Moon and Jake Nelson will be there, and I think I may have convinced Shags to climb with me too.  Lyn and Natasha from SF are also going to be there, meaning I don't have a chance in hell to win anything.  Good thing the prizes are decided by raffle and not by where they place in the comp.  

In other news, I have found an excellent cycling partner.  My friend Sandrine has the same kind of motivation that I have to always push push push.  Her knee is hurt at the moment, so in her injured state I can actually keep up with her.  Plus we're going to try to make it to yoga classes...I'm counting on her to motivate me, and I think she's counting on me to motivate her too.  I'm getting pretty excited about doing other things besides climbing...am I losing my identity?  

I have to admit, yoga never seems that appealing, because I don't prioritize mental health benefits as much as physical benefits.  If I try to compare climbing, biking and yoga, and my criteria is only how much of a workout I'm getting, yoga will always fall behind.  BUT, I think that for me, having time to ATTEMPT to prevent my mind from wandering all over God's Green Earth is probably a good thing.  So we went to restorative yoga last night.  Boring, but nice.  Let's see if I can make it a habit...not so sure.  On the other hand, I realize that I spend a lot of time thinking about pointless crap, and it's hard not to be annoyed with myself for wasting energy like that...I'm just supposed to "notice my mind wandering, la-di-da."  Oh well.

People have asked me what my New Year's Resolutions are this year.  Up until now, I haven't given it much thought.  For some reason I've been abysmally lax in the whole planning long term stuff recently.  But here's for starters:

1. give myself injections on schedule. I've been so bad about this...I think it's because all of the places that I inject myself look cadaverous.  So much for ever wearing a bikini again.

2. eat healthfully (attempt to avoid wheat, excess fat and sugar)

3. get this trout manuscript out the door before spring break (at least to my co-author for revision).

4. participate more in lab activities, do better about my tasks (freezer and cleanup...yeah I got kind of hosed this year)

5. spend more time with my friends, spend less time with people who are not my friends

6. boulder more, bike more, do more yoga, and do more opposing exercises for shoulders, fingers, etc.

7.  Do more social stuff around Davis.  I was thinking the other day that I've actually made some really good friends here, despite being so obsessed with climbing that I miss out on a lot of stuff.  I think that not going to JH every weekend (like last season) has been one of the best things I've done for my sanity.

8.  score a date with the cute guy I met the other day (okay, pipe dream, but I'm trying).

9. Trip to the Creek, trip to Greece.

Obviously there's a lot more to do and to aspire to, but this is a start. Stuff that I can do on a daily or weekly basis is always good.  Seems like 2008 was a watershed year for me.  A lot of my values and priorities changed, probably because a lot of things in my life changed.  Part of me is sad that I don't think that listening to stories about climbing for hours on end is that interesting anymore, but a part of me is excited to see what will fill that space.  I think that much of this comes from not needing an climbing as an identity as much as I did...it always seemed like climbing made me stand apart from everyone else in the population (or at least I felt that way).  Hopefully it's a positive thing that I don't need it as much anymore.  I stand back and look at people who are still deep into it, and it's pretty interesting.  Actually, it's boring, but from a psychological self-reflective standpoint, it's interesting.

A little boredom never hurt anyone

Today has been interesting.  I found myself in the unique position of throwing a tantrum about something that I didn't care about.  I think I may have had an out of body experience. I think I may have channeled my inner Sunsh (sorry,  I still love you).  What was great about this tantrum is that I was able to utilize new technology to enhance the effect.  Google video chat.  

I'm not much of a tantrum thrower.  I tend to vent to friends before I vent to the person who is irritating me.  I think I just wanted attention.  The situation that caused me to throw a tantrum isn't even a big deal.  Paradoxically, what I find most interesting about the situation is my reaction, and not the situation itself.  

I feel like I've been acting, pretending, playing a role, whatever.  It's hard to describe.  I think that sometimes we get into ruts in our relations with people.  We end up going through the motions out of habit, rather than out of any particularly worthy motivation (okay, very subjective, but this isn't science).  Relationships have roles, and we play them for better or worse.  If I could visualize my relationship with my parents, I think it would look like the road on the way to Gold Wall. Deeply rutted, taking extra effort to stay out of the ruts and potholes.  It's way way easier to just drive in the well worn grooves.  

If you can ever take a step back and think about why you get upset about one thing or another (it's hard to do sometimes), then you can actually learn a lot.  What I don't understand is why, if a relationship is damaging to both parties, it's easier to go through the motions than to just forget about it.  Why is that?  Is it because what we know is always easier than what we don't? Is it because I don't want the other person to get what they want, so I try to make it more difficult, even if I don't care that much?  

Another odd thing to ponder: usually I pretend NOT to care, rather than pretending to care.  But why am I pretending anyway?  Why am I self-editing so much? What am I afraid of?

infusion ladies

I had what may be my last infusion of solu-medrol today.  I'm always pretty excited to see the infusion ladies, because they pamper me.  Unfortunately, there was a new infusion lady today.  And I don't think she is very bright.  Not only did she manage to not stick my gi-normous veins first go (what?), she would take the cap off of the needle and then scratch her head with that hand and open up the alcohol pads and stuff before sticking me.  Awesome.  I just love seeing sterile techniques in an infusion center where every ailment from cancer to AIDs gets treated.  If I were going to infuse myself, I think I would take the cap off LAST, considering this is the part of the whole apparatus that's going directly into my bloodstream.  But what do I know?

Normally I nap for a few hours, but for some reason it wasn't in the cards today, so I watched Beowulf.  Not bad.  The monsters were cool, especially Grendel.  Then I started Season 1 of The Wire...everyone always talks about how great it is, so I figure I have to give it a try.  I guess today they had 10 chemo patients in the morning, for only 8 chairs.  Busy day.  Nothing like honoring a civil rights leader like hanging out with the cancer patients.  yee-haw.

Now I feel a little crappy and a little wired and a little depressed.  Drugs.  I walked over the the Nugget and bought some stuff to make a banana cream pie for an inauguration party/pie bake-off tomorrow evening.  

I also found out that my housemate is moving out, which makes me sad.  She found cheaper rent somewhere else.  Finding a housemate in a college town in February sucks; I'm not too psyched about it.  What makes it even worse is that my parents have threatened to sell the house if I don't keep a housemate.  My parents kind of suck a lot of the time.  Maybe I could play the MS card: "selling the house and making me move would stress me out, and cause my immune system to potentially go haywire."  Is that wrong?

I went to Gold Wall yesterday with Ron and Chris, two older dudes.  It's the first time I've ever gotten a ride to Sonora from Davis.  I was on the fence about going, but the thought of not having to drive AT ALL to go climb was too irresistable.  As it turns out, it was super freakin' hot, but I had a lot of fun.  I tried my little proj, and then got on this amazing looooooong super fun .11d thing.  That route is SO FUN!  I like hanging out with people who aren't seething and overflowing with anxiety/obsession/restless energy.  I have a hard enough time dealing with my own.  I think that's one of the reasons I like Gold Wall so much this year...and like Jailhouse so much less.  That being said, I'm planning on going to Jailhouse Thursday with Dr. Rob.  I got on Hall of Justice last week, and though it's way over my head at the moment, at least it's new, and at least it's only .12- to the crux, which is halfway up.  So there's a lot of good climbing that I can do without hanging, which is basically all I want to do right now.  

bummed.

This weekend has been a bit of a bummer.  Good things have happened too, but the bad things seem to be coloring my mood more.

I visited my grandparents in Hopland yesterday.  My 92 yr old Grandfather is probably "circling the drain", and my 92 yr old Grandmother does everything for him.  He can barely move, he can't eat much, he can't take a shit or pee on his own.  It's depressing, to say the least.  Last night he insisted on sleeping in the living room, so Grandma couldn't hear him when he was yelling "AUDREY" at midnight, and at 6am.  Both times I had to wake my Grandma, the first so that she could help him pee, and the second because he had to poop.  The second time, they called me in because Grandpa couldn't get out of the chair without help to make it to the bathroom, so I needed to help lift him.  Fortunately, he has his own pee bottle, so when he has to pee it's easier.

It's a tough situation for many reasons.  Lots of those reasons go back very far in time, probably to even before I was born.  I have two sets of aunt/uncle and two cousins (one with a wife and stepkids) who live on the property (about 1400 acres or so), and Grandpa has managed to alienate all of them.  This means that people don't like to come and hang out in my grandparents' house, which means that a lot of the burden of care falls of grandma.  Watching my 95 lb grandma pull up my grandpa's pants, attempt to sort out his medications, and spring to action every time he hollers "Aaaaauudreey" is a site to behold.

I wish that I could be less squeamish, and I wish that I could help more.  It's very hard being in the house though.  Grandpa can't hear what I'm saying, he yells at Grandma all of the time, and basically he looks like death.  He sits in the living room with FoxNews blasting all day long.  The volume is so loud that you can't even have a conversation with another person in the room.  Mostly Grandma and I hang out in the kitchen, and she fills me in on her life, and the lives of everyone else on the ranch.  I never stay long - it's hard, and I always feel so bad when I leave.  Not to mention that everyone always gives me grief about not staying long enough.  All of this serves to feed my feelings of inadequacy as a good family member.  I leave feeling sad and selfish.

I knot that this situation is pretty typical.  Western medicine + geriatric care + society's attitude towards old people doesn't seem to work for anyone.  Why do we extend lives when lives are no longer worth living?  The amount of money and time and energy spent on adding a few more breaths to someone's life...I just don't know if it's worth it.  But how can you just not do anything if you can prescribe more pills and do more surgery to remove cancer?  If there is something, anything that can be done to address the myriad failures in a human body, are we obligated to act?  Death is programmed into life.  After we have passed reproductive age, cells and the organs they belong to stop regenerating.  Shit just starts to go wrong; repair mechanisms don't work or are slowed, our reproductive organs senesce.  All sorts of fun is had.

Anyway, it gets me thinking about my attitude towards death and aging: I'm terrified.  The fact that I have MS and can look at people in wheelchairs that have MS is terrifying.  The thought of being slowed physically and not being able to do what I want to do is horrifying.  Of course, that sort of thing probably won't happen to me, but it might.  No one likes to be confronted with their own inevitable mortality and decay.  Bad times for sure.

I'd like to talk to some people who've dealt a little more closely with dead or dying people.  My only experience with someone dying is seeing my sister in the funeral home, and she was already dead.  I'm not particularly sad about losing my grandfather...he's kind of an old bastard, and grandma would probably be a lot better off when he goes, but I'm sad about the situation in general.  I get so overwhelmed that I try to avoid it altogether.  I'm even afraid to touch my grandfather, because he looks so bad.  His skin is paper thin, he's super skinny, he has scars from a recent staph infection, his kidneys are failing so his ankles are super swollen...  Some people can just get in there and do what needs to be done.  Apparently I'm not one of those people.  It's almost like I can ignore the fact that I am "sick" and getting older if I'm not around sick and elderly people.  I don't know.

I'm sure I'll write more positive posts soon, but this is on my mind.

2008 Latest Edition - Did You Know 3.0 - From Meeting in Rome this Year

pretty wild. Makes me wonder why I'm in school.

James is a RAD DANCER

Besides being a very nice person, James Lucas is a major BIG DEAL DANCER.  

Word.

Bugs and rock climbing

I stumbled across this website while trying to identify a spider that a friend posted on her Facebook page.  It's called Bugguide.net and it's pretty much amazing.  The photos are spectacular and the page is very well organized (which is difficult, given that taxonomy by nature is NOT organized, though it purports to be...but whatever).  I like the click guide on the left side of the page-I'd be curious to see how efficient it is to use.

In other news, I've been climbing a bunch at Gold Wall and a little bit at Jailhouse.  I need to find a new project at Jailhouse, otherwise I'm pretty bored and unmotivated there.  The climbing is definitely fun, but the vibe there is VERY serious, and my refractory nature makes me want to not take it seriously, meaning not give a shit.  Anyway, I think I might try Cell Block, even though the bottom is crumbly and gross now.  Oh well.  Hopefully I'll get psyched.