I'm not much of a tantrum thrower. I tend to vent to friends before I vent to the person who is irritating me. I think I just wanted attention. The situation that caused me to throw a tantrum isn't even a big deal. Paradoxically, what I find most interesting about the situation is my reaction, and not the situation itself.
I feel like I've been acting, pretending, playing a role, whatever. It's hard to describe. I think that sometimes we get into ruts in our relations with people. We end up going through the motions out of habit, rather than out of any particularly worthy motivation (okay, very subjective, but this isn't science). Relationships have roles, and we play them for better or worse. If I could visualize my relationship with my parents, I think it would look like the road on the way to Gold Wall. Deeply rutted, taking extra effort to stay out of the ruts and potholes. It's way way easier to just drive in the well worn grooves.
If you can ever take a step back and think about why you get upset about one thing or another (it's hard to do sometimes), then you can actually learn a lot. What I don't understand is why, if a relationship is damaging to both parties, it's easier to go through the motions than to just forget about it. Why is that? Is it because what we know is always easier than what we don't? Is it because I don't want the other person to get what they want, so I try to make it more difficult, even if I don't care that much?
Another odd thing to ponder: usually I pretend NOT to care, rather than pretending to care. But why am I pretending anyway? Why am I self-editing so much? What am I afraid of?
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