My reflective ego

Do you ever feel like your internal self-critic has gotten a little bit out of control?  All of a sudden compliments are undeserved, you haven't done enough, etc.  I was thinking about this in Tuolumne last weekend and the first image that came to mind was the big red hairy monster (whose name is Gossamer, apparently) from Looney Tunes.  I think this is what my reflective ego looks like right now...hovering over me.  I need to do something that Bugs Bunny would do: pretend I'm a manicurist and fix its fingernails, pretend I'm a hot sexy female red hairy monster and seduce Gossamer...you know, things like that.

What would your reflective ego look like?

Colorado and stuff

You don't see flying toilets every day.

Yippee!!!!

Here are some silly pictures from Colorado.  It's been interesting hanging out with my parents' friends.  My Mom REALLY wants to get a place here.  If only it were a little closer to Rifle - that would be awesome!  It would be great if I could find a ram to take me there...

I went fly fishing for the first time yesterday.  I think I could get into that.  Basically you just hang out in a beautiful river and watch trout.  I can watch the trout for hours.  They are huge!

Waders are hot, especially when they are missing a buckle and leak in one foot.

Sunsh and I also went for a hike up on the slopes.  I can't believe I forgot my camera, because the wildflowers were amazing.  So beautiful.  It was hard to believe that someone hadn't planted them.

Flying back tomorrow and hopefully I'll find someone to climb with on Sunday.  I'll definitely be in the meadows next weekend though.  I miss them already.

By the way: does anyone have a good recommendation for a bivvy sack?  I want to get out to the hulk and don't want to carry a tent.

Also by the way, please donate money for MS research, or join my team for the Waves to Wine MS bike ride September 13-14.  Here is the link

Who needs stallions?

Avon calling!

Here I am in Avon, CO, where I used to go with my family 2x a year to ski when I was little.  The place has changed a lot, but still has the silly statues and lots of roundabouts that cause much consternation.  Unfortunately, however, the lovely green pines are not so green anymore, due to the pine beetle infestation.  It is beautiful in the summer though - I've only ever gotten to see this area in ski season.  I'm surprised at how green it is!

The flights were uneventful, aside from getting an amazingly clear view of Yosemite valley and the meadows - so beautiful!

  I picked up my rental car from the Denver airport and was rather surprised to find it was a Prius.  "Cool!" I thought...until I tried to turn the damn thing on.  Ok I found the power button, and I pushed it twice...things are looking up...lights on the dash turn on, sounds are issued forth.  But I can't figure out how to put it into drive!  After pushing many buttons, cursing, turning knobs, trying to call the one person I know who has a Prius, my friend Sunshine and her friend Jeff to ask for advice, and cursing some more, I try to find someone nearby to help me.  Then I couldn't get the key out of the ignition.  "GIVE ME THE FUCKING KEY!!" I yelled at the car.  It wasn't very constructive.  

Anyway, I found a nice young man to show me how to start the car and I was off on my way to Denver to collect Sunshine and get some food.  We made it to Avon, checked in to our hotel which is under some heavy duty construction, and navigated the maze of posh hotels in Beaver Creek to find parking and my parents...and a life-sized volvo SUV made out of legos.  Whatever.  Fortunately there was a reward for all of this trouble, which was a sushi dinner courtesy of my parents.  Sweet!

Tomorrow I want to hike to the top of the mountain.  I'm really into mountains lately (have I mentioned that to anyone lately?  yes?  ok then).  I have a whole list of things I'd like to do and see!

So let's go back a few days to a trip report for Tuolumne for the past weekend.  I drove up Friday morning knowing that Drew wasn't going to make it, so I made plans with Lucho for Friday afternoon...turns out he had to bail too.  So I did what I normally do under these circumstances, which is deluge everyone I know with voicemails and text messages so I could see if anyone wanted a partner/didn't mind me tagging along.  

No one was coming up until late Friday or Saturday, so I found a nice little spot near Tenaya lake and took a nap after finishing the book I was reading:  The Last Season (I recommend this by the way).  I woke up around 3:30 and decided that I was a worthless turd if I didn't do something, so I hiked up to Cloud's Rest.  This is an awesome hike!  Apparently no one starts around 4pm, so I was pretty much alone on the trail.  I did run into a nice European fellow who had hiked in from the valley and was bivvying on top.  He had all of his water in a bear canister and consequently nowhere to put his food so it would be safe from the marmots.  Weird.  Why would you put water in a bear canister?  I don't know.  Anyway, he took a picture of me that is embarrassing, so I'll just post pictures of the view and some pretty flowers I saw along the way (a pink monkeyflower and a Tiger Lily), which won't burn your eyes out.

Saturday I met up with Patti and two of her friends to go back to South Whiz Dome.  We hiked up the back and I hung a toprope on Blackout.  Ran a lap on that and then two laps on Shadow Warrior.  Shadow Warrior went pretty well until the middle where it gets really really thin.  Not my specialty.  I'd like to go back though and maybe figure out a sequence.  Patti did super well on all routes, and put my energy level to shame by running two extra laps on Blackout.  She was PSYCHED!!!

In the afternoon, somehow I spent about 6 hours in the store parking lot.  We were waiting for Townsend and Kevin to get off of Heart of Stone so we could all go do something together, but when they came down it was late and we were all knackered so we went to the Tioga Pass Resort for dinner.  While waiting for a table, Townsend told the most amazing levitating-shit-on-a-wall story I have ever heard about Kevin.  Apparently Kevin normally has really impressive BMs while climbing, but this time it was a bit loose, there was an updraft, and Kevin, his parter, and the rope were doused.  Amazing.  They bailed.  Wow.  Who can trump that story?

On Sunday Townsend, Patti and I went to East Cottage Dome and did a few knob climbs in between light rain showers...I was happy to lead a few knob pitches and felt like I was getting the hang of climbing in Tuolumne.  Patti got into some strange funk where she thought that she couldn't climb the knobs, but she crushed anyway.  In the afternoon I met up with Rob and we went over to Private Property where I got properly worked, Rob Miller-style.

I wasn't sure if I would do anything on Monday, but I enjoy hanging out in the area alone or with people, so I stayed the night outside of the park and drove in Monday morning to check out the weather and see if it looked like rain.  It was suggested to me that I should go up Tenaya Peak, but after checking it out, I decided that I did not want to do my first solo in sketchy weather.  So back home to unpack, check out Batman:the Dark Knight with my superhero-movie-watching-friend Bjorn and a few other folks (believe the hype - it's awesome!), pack back up, sleep and catch a plane to CO.

Phew!  Here are a few more photos of the weekend:

Kevin having fun with cashews

early morning light in Lee Vining Canyon above Ellery Lake

Townsend, the bivy sack, and the Volvo

I'm in love.

I think I have fallen in love again.  

My new love is the Sierra.  I've known the Sierra for a while, but I never thought of him as potential relationship material.  I think I was distracted by more flashy things like southern Utah, Australia, Thailand, Europe...so the Sierra went under the radar.

But now I am enamored.  The Sierra never disappoints.  Sure, I always have to drive to him, and he never buys me dinner, but it's always worth the effort!

I have a long list of things I'd like to do with the Sierra, and I certainly don't mind if others join me.  He doesn't get jealous.  This is good because I'm about to catch a plane to the rockies for a few days.

some people

So as anyone knows who has been reading this blog, the last few months have been a bit of a transition period.  The news of having MS, a failed relationship (or a successful breakup if you want to be optimistic?) and being in graduate school.  Any one of these things is enough to cause one to reflect upon where they've been and where they're going.  My equilibrium has shifted and I'm not yet sure where it will rest and what it will look like.

So with that background, let's add some interpersonal drama.  Every now and then we will inevitably have to work with or be around or live with or whatever with someone who's brain simply does not work like normal people.  My advisor calls these people "unreasonable people."  Often you can just work around people like this and try to ignore them and not depend on them for anything, but sometimes you get drawn into a situation that is uncomfortable.  In other words, sometimes these people insert themselves into your life and you don't have much choice in the matter.

In cases like these, where I'm provoked, it's easy to want to dive into the fray and defend myself, or strike back, or discuss the situation with friends.  Seriously, it's all I can do not to get my back up.  But I try to keep in mind that the very best way to be is polite and nice (thank you Southern upbringing) and to remember that, again, some people are unreasonable, and some people are just not going to like me.  I'm ok with that; I'm not perfect.  In addition, chances are these people will get bored with me and find themselves in another situation that takes up their energy soon enough.  And like my Dad says "you can't win a pissing contest with a skunk."

So for all of this, trying not to let things bother me, etc., I still end up feeling very immature for being in a situation like this in the first place.  Crap!  Haven't I outgrown this sort of thing?  I suppose that the only thing that I can do is try to take the high road and not strike back when someone is confrontational, even if it is deliciously tempting.  Obviously I will always have some growing up to do and lessons to learn.  Don't we all?

I do have to say that my life in the last few months has really made me appreciate all of the wonderful people in my life - and there are a lot of you!  While it can be uncomfortable, I am always grateful for these transition times because they truly do make you gain some perspective.   Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve the generosity and love and support of the people around me...so thank you.

On to more exciting things:  heading back up to Tuolumne this weekend, hopefully Thursday night.  I talked to Karl and Audrey last night and I think they will join me, which will be a blast because they are awesome.  Drew and I were discussing the possibility of going to Medlicott in the morning and doing a bit of sport climbing, and then heading over to Electric Africa for a toproping session the afternoon (if there is no thunderstorm of course).  Saturday I'm not sure, but Audrey is getting me psyched to boulder (oh boy), or it might be fun to do something longer and easier (I love those, but my new criteria is that the descent be less exciting than the climbing).  Sunday had some discussion of climbing at Private Property with Rob Miller and Lucho, but I'll probably be knackered by then and it's all 5.12 and over, so who knows.  

SICK!

Whoah.

Wow. what a crazy weekend.  Definitely some highs and lows.

As I was leaving the central valley on Friday afternoon I was thinking to myself: ha ha I'm going to leave this smoke behind!  But it was not to be.  Heading over Monitor Pass and down 395, it just got more and more smoky.  (by the way, is smokey spelled like that or like this: smoky?) 

Anyway, it was a little depressing to say the least.  To top it off I wasn't exactly sure who I was going to climb with, if anybody.  So to cheer myself up I decided to call my ex-boyfriend, Alex.  Predictably, I was left feeling sad, tired, drained and unsatisfied.  Let's just say that free soloing Moonlight Buttress must require a certain amount of detachment that will inevitably pervade all aspects of one's life.  On the bright side, this 2.5 year experience allowed me to use a twist on one of my favorite expressions: our relationships was "like a turd-filled road with a few daisies scattered here and there."  Always psyched to use that one.

Okay, moving on, I drove up to the Meadows hoping that it would be more clear...well, it was a little more clear.   I wanted to hike up Dana or down towards Glen Aulin, but what's the point if you can't see any of the views because of all the heinous smoke?  Fortunately I found out that John was coming and was planning on climbing with me.  Sweet!

Saturday morning I kicked John awake and we went over to Medlicott to do some sport climbing.  Medlicott is a pretty fun place to hang out, and the climbing is good.  We did get lost on the approach a little bit, which is foreshadowing to some later events.  

The afternoon saw John and I climbing West Crack.  A nice climb, mostly it's just knobs and not very much crack, but I'm always happy to do the longer easy classic stuff in Tuolumne.  We did it in two pitches by simul-climbing.  The descent on the other hand, wasn't so much fun.  We ended up down climbing this 5.3 crack or something like that with our approach shoes.  Finally, after surveying another pitch of down climbing, we passed a rap anchor and I said: "I'm rapping."  And rapped a pitch to meet John where he looked up at me and said "I'm stuck."  I replied: "I don't think this is the official sanctioned descent."  He replied "no, it's not."

Hmmph.

Okay, Sunday we did the Direct Northwest Face of Lembert Dome, which was a good, fun 3 pitch climb.  Fortunately the descent went without event.  The afternoon, however, did not.

John had to meet up with Matt and Susan so he could catch a ride home.  They were climbing at South Whiz Dome, and even though I was knackered I said "oh what the hell I'll hike out there anyway."  Let me say that South Whiz is kind of a pain to approach.  You hike through the trees for 20 or so minutes on no trail and can't even see the dome until you're right there.  So I said "hey I don't have a lot of energy right now, so can you just hold up?"  Naturally, John saw adventure and went charging for it, and naturally I couldn't or wouldn't keep up.  I ended up yelling "JOOOHN!!"several times...loudly and in a most frustrated tone of voice.  Ultimately I found South Whiz Dome, with about ten climbers there who had all heard me yelling John's name.  Very embarrassing.  

Anyway, a storm was rolling in with very loud thunder and very bright lightening.  We all bailed at the last minute, not knowing what a wild storm it would be.  I only had on a tank top and a thin cotton shirt and pants, and John only had on a t-shirt and shorts.  It had been so hot in the morning!  So it started raining and we started hiking.  And then it started raining harder, and then it started pouring.  Then it started hailing, and then it started hailing harder.  Then the hail was pouring in pea-sized pellets and it was positively apocalyptic.  That shit HURTS!  It would hit my head and hurt and then I would put my hands on my head and it would hit my fingers and hurt.  The only thing to do was to charge back to the car, which I did with my superior sense of direction, Susan and Patrick in tow.

We all made it back pretty quick except for John.  Where's John?  Thirty minutes pass.  "Where's John?"  I said "oh, he's probably under a rock somewhere taking pictures of the hail."  More time passes, and a few people go to look for him.  John is probably pretty cold by now, and we are all a little worried.  By now about an hour and a half has passed and something is definitely wrong.  So these guys I had just met, Brian and Aaron, called SAR.  Just as they drove off Jeremy looked down the road and said "I think I saw John, he just got picked up by a ranger!"  Sure enough, a cold but psyched to drink some good warming whiskey John had made it back.  Turns out he had gotten lost and couldn't see anything through the hail and fog and ended up a mile or two down the road.  Fred the ranger picked him up, and SAR was called off before it even began.  John got his whiskey and all was right in the world.

Today I've gotten about 10 emails regarding this incident.  I told John he should be pretty proud of inspiring such a lively email thread.  

After the hail storm I made the mistake of calling Justin and casually leaving a message saying "oh yeah, it was an exciting afternoon, we called SAR on John...hey what are you doing on Tuesday?"  Then he called Shannon to find out what happened and she freaked out.  Sorry Shannon - I didn't mean to scare you!

Okay I have a lot more to write, but I'm in the middle of a Project Runway marathon so I must go.

I'll leave you with a few memorable quotes from this weekend:

"If I started dating someone else you'd be crying yourself to sleep at night."

-Alex

"I have a really nice rain jacket...in the car!"

-John

"I FUCKING HATE hippies!"

-Lucho

Drive

All of the people who have left a big impression on my life have been "driven".  Driven by something that could not be denied, driven by something that inspired or motivated or made them scared to go against.

I think that my father is driven by a good fight.  I think that I can say with a fair amount of certainty that he is willing to fight for any perceived injustice.  He burns with passion for a battle, and he'll see it through to the end.  This has some benefits and some problems.  He has accomplished great things, but who wants to wear their armor all the time?

For me, I think I might be driven by the fear of nothingness.  Kind of reminds me of the Neverending Story.  This is the definition of the Nothing from the Neverending story according to wikipedia:

The Nothing: A dark mysterious force that is destroying Fantasia. It is made from the misery of those with no hopes and no dreams. The only way it can be destroyed is if the Empress receives a new name from an Earthling Child.

So I need to find an Empress and an Earthling Child.  Shit.  And get past these guys:

My friend Molly says she is driven by guilt.  I'm not sure if she is joking or not, but I can understand that as well.  You want to accomplish and do and be a good person so that you don't feel guilty for not doing those things.  Or guilty because you have disappointed or not lived up to your potential or expectations.

So I would say that none of us are living in the moment.  In fact I often think that I am actively avoiding the moment unless it involves action.  Ha!

I'll leave you with one more image from the movie.  I kind of identify with him right now.

What are you guys driven by?  Not being thrown in a dumpster by a bunch of bullies?  Kittens?  God?  Climbing hard, and if so, harder than what or just hard in general?

Have a good weekend. I'm escaping the hell that is the Central Valley right now and heading to Tuolumne.