So now that I'm not on Facebook, Google's attempt to hook me up to a bunch of extraneous information is somewhat of an annoyance. I already contact my contacts when I want to, and I'm sure they contact me when they want to. Not to mention the HUGE overlap with Googlereader. I don't want to get "friends' shared items" and posts from blogs that I subscribe to in my Googlereader feed AND my email homepage. No thank you.
Anyway, if you too would like to stop buzzing, go to the bottom of the page in your gmail inbox, and click on "turn off buzz". It's in very very tiny print.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Patching Pants
This is a picture of John's hands sewing my pants. I have had a stack of pants that either my bicycle ate or that Way Lake ate, and it's about time I fixed them. I need to get an iron and finish patching a couple more pairs. I like fixing things. It makes me happy. I should say that I took these with my new phone. I'm normally a bad photographer, but these are especially bad.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Exorcising the demons!
So I've been pretty pissed at my ex lately. I haven't even had contact with him in a few weeks, or seen him or anything like that. I've debated internally about whether or not to blog about it, since it is a public forum and whatnot.
I'm not really going to focus on him though, but on my anger in hopes that somehow it will go away more quickly and proceed into the "not caring" phase. I'm impatient that way.
I guess what they say about there being a thin line between love and hate is true. My love for him was pretty strong, and I suppose that it's not surprising that the anger is just as strong.
I have fantasies of him throwing himself off a cliff, or punching him in the face, or yelling at him, or writing really embarrassing things about him on the blog. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that being this pissed is shortening my life and causing me unnecessary blood pressure rises. It's part of wanting the other party to feel some fraction of the pain that I feel. But in the end it really only matters how I feel, and I don't want to feel angry anymore. I want to feel nothing.
I just want to forget about it. I think I need a really long time, which I beat myself up over...I mean, why can't I just be over it? It seems that it would be far far easier if I were the kind of person who does not get attached. It reminds me of this line from this movie "Love, Actually" where a father is talking to his son who's maybe 13 or so. He knows something is wrong with his son and pries it out of him. When his son says "I'm in love", the father is totally relieved, and says "oh that's a relief, I thought it was something worse." and the son replies "Something worse than the total agony of love?"
So it has been agonizing. Not agonizing in the way it was after my first couple of breakups, but agonizing nonetheless. The phrase "soul-crushing" comes to mind. I know all of these painful feelings are part of the process, and you have to sort of move through it and then a few months later you think to yourself "wow, I really feel better than I did a few months ago." Fortunately I can already say that I feel much much better than I did after my trip to Spain. I was pretty destroyed after that.
The only thing that gives me any comfort (and sometimes when I get comforted by this I'm reminded of my mother being comforted by psychics, but hey, whatever works) is that if I can feel that strongly for someone, maybe I'm capable of having something really good in the future. I suppose it's not useful to beat up on myself for having feelings that I can't control. Feelings by definition aren't something that can be controlled...or at least not something that I can control with any consistency.
Maybe at some point they'll figure out the interaction between brain structure and neurochemical pathways and we will be able to control them. But right now I'm working with what I've got.
I'm not really going to focus on him though, but on my anger in hopes that somehow it will go away more quickly and proceed into the "not caring" phase. I'm impatient that way.
I guess what they say about there being a thin line between love and hate is true. My love for him was pretty strong, and I suppose that it's not surprising that the anger is just as strong.
I have fantasies of him throwing himself off a cliff, or punching him in the face, or yelling at him, or writing really embarrassing things about him on the blog. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that being this pissed is shortening my life and causing me unnecessary blood pressure rises. It's part of wanting the other party to feel some fraction of the pain that I feel. But in the end it really only matters how I feel, and I don't want to feel angry anymore. I want to feel nothing.
I just want to forget about it. I think I need a really long time, which I beat myself up over...I mean, why can't I just be over it? It seems that it would be far far easier if I were the kind of person who does not get attached. It reminds me of this line from this movie "Love, Actually" where a father is talking to his son who's maybe 13 or so. He knows something is wrong with his son and pries it out of him. When his son says "I'm in love", the father is totally relieved, and says "oh that's a relief, I thought it was something worse." and the son replies "Something worse than the total agony of love?"
So it has been agonizing. Not agonizing in the way it was after my first couple of breakups, but agonizing nonetheless. The phrase "soul-crushing" comes to mind. I know all of these painful feelings are part of the process, and you have to sort of move through it and then a few months later you think to yourself "wow, I really feel better than I did a few months ago." Fortunately I can already say that I feel much much better than I did after my trip to Spain. I was pretty destroyed after that.
The only thing that gives me any comfort (and sometimes when I get comforted by this I'm reminded of my mother being comforted by psychics, but hey, whatever works) is that if I can feel that strongly for someone, maybe I'm capable of having something really good in the future. I suppose it's not useful to beat up on myself for having feelings that I can't control. Feelings by definition aren't something that can be controlled...or at least not something that I can control with any consistency.
Maybe at some point they'll figure out the interaction between brain structure and neurochemical pathways and we will be able to control them. But right now I'm working with what I've got.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Photos from the past: part 3
Photos from a New Year's Day brunch I had at my house, and the blood orange tart I made last night
John and Mike
Dena posing next to a red velvet cake I made
Emily, Kevin and Vicken
blood orange tart - so pretty!
Photos from the past: part 2
Here is Part 2: some mushroom photos I took around the Davis greenbelt.
Photos from the past: part 1
I'm finally cleaning off my digital camera...so here's the first installment, from November:
A sunrise photo taken from the Furnace Creek Campground (Death Valley NP)
The Thanksgiving potluck!
Kevin wielding weapons, Phil wielding alcohol.
A discussion over mulled wine.
Kristy and James
The carcass
I made some pies. Pumpkin, apple and pecan.
A multi-generational feast!
Sunday, February 7, 2010
This made me laugh...hard
I'm sure that everyone here has received some sort of "X number of ways to make your life better" email from their family (usually these people are over 40). The most annoying thing about these forwards is that it's all about (as I interpret it) accepting the shit that happens to you (i.e. not making a change that maybe you NEED TO MAKE), and having faith in Baby Jesus.
That's why this made me laugh so much: (original link: http://www.kungfugrippe.com/post/374966576/zenzenzenzen)
That's why this made me laugh so much: (original link: http://www.kungfugrippe.com/post/374966576/zenzenzenzen)
- 43 Ways to Simplify your life:
- 1. Remove your doors
- 2. Eat half of each pet
- 3. Sit on a big, thick book
- 4. Something something keyring holder
- 5. Paint clocks cheery pink
- 6. Wear discarded food
- 7. Makebelieve girlfriend chair
- 8. Sleep in liquor cabinet
- 9. Embrace hug love hug meow meow
- 10. Small room to plan crimes
- 11. Hack your house key organizer
- 12. Mail a surprise toaster
- 13. Just stare more
- 14. Fourteen
- 15. Poke holes in paper things
- 16. Macrame shoelace tree
- 17. Scrapbook poop and pee
- 18. Euthanize even faster
- 19. Amputate favorite limb
- 20. Pencil shaving gallery
- 21. Immigrant coat rack
- 22. Shoebox of dangerous porn
- 23. Zen unicorn rainbow zen journal
- 24. Icepick to one good eye
- 25. Simplify fourteen harder
- 26. Aluminum foil swan cozy dryer
- 27. Smell your finger. All of it.
- 28. Resimplify your simplicity
- 29. Habitualize your zen
- 30. Remind your drapes, “I love you, Mrs. Textile”
- 31. Freeze your clutter
- 32. Couch fort dinner party
- 33. Nicene creed robot
- 34. Only sodomize things that forgive
- 35. Coaxial sweater vest
- 36. Transitive verb predicate clause
- 37. More crying but quieter
- 38. Inhaler nativity
- 39. Contact paper taxonomy binder
- 40. America’s Roast Beef: Yes, Sir
- 41. Breathe like no one’s dancing
- 42. Unbridled solo diaper play
- 43. Illuminated panty shrine
It reminds me of the story John told me where a woman was leaving the Coop in Davis and bit into a carrot and said "THIS CARROT IS NOT ORGANIC! ORGANIC CARROTS TASTE BETTER THAN THIS!"
The people at the Coop went into the back and opened up a box of organic carrots and let her taste one. She said "well, the other organic carrots tasted better."
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