Back in the hospital?

So all kinds of shit is numb now, and I'm debating whether or not to go back to the hospital. I emailed my neuro, which is like pissing in the wind, and asked her to call in a course of steroids for next week...at least this way I have a few more days to decide and if it gets worse then the drugs will already be in the cancer center.  Sick.

I tried to do the cross training class this morning but just got upset because it's hard to run when your feet are numb.  I bailed and bouldered instead, which made me a lot happier.  Bouldering doesn't bother me - stomping around on my numb feet bothers me.

On the bright side, I feel pretty strong and a few people have said that I've lost a few pounds...

The drawback of the steroids is that it's 5 days of feeling like a cancer patient and sitting still for 3 hours while you get a drug that will make you temporarily insane. And it might not work. At the moment I'm not feeling any weakness, so I count that as a positive.

On the minus side, admitting that I have a problem and having a doctor call in drugs sort of blows my coping mechanism to smithereens.  My coping mechanism is to just pretend like I'm "totally fine."  And really, I am totally fine.  It's just numbness...I'm still planning on hiking up Middle Pal with John this weekend - I mean as long as I can walk, why not walk? If it makes no difference at all, why worry? On the other hand, if the drugs are going to reduce the inflammation in my spine/brain and prevent any further damage, then what's the harm?  Other than the copay and losing a week out of my year. Time is precious - going to the infusion center for a week just disrupts everything. The drugs make you feel like shit, it's hard to be active, it's hard to think and it's hard to sleep. Plus facing head on the fact that I'm "sick", and realizing that I may not be "fine" forever.

On the other hand, we're all going downhill, and none of us ever know what shit lies beyond the next minute. I just have a diagnosis.

Oh yeah - emails and calls of encouragement/advice are welcome.